6 Months since she said i dont love you (4)

[Natus]

New thread.

Old thread here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695073&page=1

So to summarise.
After 5 months of trying and believing W went NC and is doing work to save the M turns out i was wrong. Fully separated 14July16.

Separation details: im at the house half the week with son then she is. We have sunday lunch at home together as part of the handover. This the only time we see each other.


So im coming to a month of full separation. It has gotten easier but i still morn the loss of my family. Thurs night i went movies with female colleague (not a date) strictly platonic, she introduced me to wall climbing which i have enjoyed immensely. Anyhow in the movie a father misses his kid and that hit me hard. After the movie i walked back to my car then broke down crying listening to some recording of my son saying goodnight. Thankfully i was alone in the car - female colleague brought her own car, thank goodness, do not want people to see me like that.

Showing the house to a few buyers. Hopefully will get sold soon. I want to start a new chapter in my life with son.

[CT1118]

New thread.

Old thread here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695073&page=1

So to summarise.
After 5 months of trying and believing W went NC and is doing work to save the M turns out i was wrong. Fully separated 14July16.

Separation details: im at the house half the week with son then she is. We have sunday lunch at home together as part of the handover. This the only time we see each other.


So im coming to a month of full separation. It has gotten easier but i still morn the loss of my family. Thurs night i went movies with female colleague (not a date) strictly platonic, she introduced me to wall climbing which i have enjoyed immensely. Anyhow in the movie a father misses his kid and that hit me hard. After the movie i walked back to my car then broke down crying listening to some recording of my son saying goodnight. Thankfully i was alone in the car - female colleague brought her own car, thank goodness, do not want people to see me like that.

Showing the house to a few buyers. Hopefully will get sold soon. I want to start a new chapter in my life with son.

I will have to re-read your old thread, but from reading this...

WW & I sold our house when S began and I feel so much better having my own space - you have that to look forward to. It WILL feel pretty sore at first, but once you start to understand you can do what you want with it, you will start to feel some wellness come in. The page will turn and the chapter will be there with blank pages; you get to write this one. May I suggest, do not keep the M bed. Give it to WW or sell it and buy a new one. I got rid of as much joint owned things as I possibly could. It can be expensive to replace, but what is the price tag on your mental health? I did not want reminders in my hand every time I ate a bowl of cereal.

Wall climbing, as in a rock gym? Awesome. Recently got into that as part of my GAL and can't believe it has not been in my life earlier. Get you in great shape too.

I went on a hike with a woman today. It was not a date, but date-ish. She asked me, I accepted. I have no designs on her, but it was nice to be in the company of a woman, don't you think? Glad you held it together long enough to get out of there.

There is no cure for missing a child. My S4 is right behind your S in age. I miss him all the time. Worst part of all of this isn't it? I am sorry man. You can GAL the hell out of all this other stuff, but not that.

[Natus]

I need to identify the times when i feel really low and stick to a plan. I cracked last night and texted Her asking to confirm some suspicions i had that she never admitted to.

If GAL'ed myself to exhaustion and crash and sleep I do fine but those wee moments when im not doing and am alone is the hardest.

So in the interim whenever i feel like texting her i will do 50 push ups, 50 sit ups and 50 burpees first.

[SmithyC]

Stay strong. Otherwise, you're going to get ripped

[ForGump]

in the movie a father misses his kid and that hit me hard. After the movie i walked back to my car then broke down crying listening to some recording of my son saying goodnight.

I know how that feels. I do the same type of thing. Just hits me, sometimes when there is some obvious reminder, other times just out of the blue. Hits me hard, grinds me into the pavement.

[ForGump]

I have no designs on her, but it was nice to be in the company of a woman, don't you think?

Know that feeling too. Been listening to "Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee.

CT1118 (sorry to hijack the thread briefly but) -- how will you know if you're ready to move on in terms of seeing another woman?

[Natus]

I have no designs on her, but it was nice to be in the company of a woman, don't you think?

Know that feeling too. Been listening to "Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee.

CT1118 (sorry to hijack the thread briefly but) -- how will you know if you're ready to move on in terms of seeing another woman?

yea i want to know too.

[CT1118]

Natus/ForGump:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289
"CT1118 (sorry to hijack the thread briefly but) -- how will you know if you're ready to move on in terms of seeing another woman?"

I think that I have to say of myself that I am not ready to move on and see another person. Neither for me nor for a potential partner. I am working on me, that is where I need to be. The idea of a dating scene at 41 kind of sickens me anyway. I don't blow up bars anymore and I think the tinder/match whatever stuff looks like something I would not want to spend my time with. I have to become solid as an individual and I am. This means facing myself alone with confidence and security.

I said above that me going out for a hike w/ a woman this weekend was "date-ish". It was not romantic, the woman knows my sitch,and knows I am only interested in me and my S4 right now. Date-ish because she asked me and I was alone with a woman doing an activity. I would have been on GAL outdoors anyway at that time so I agreed. So, it was really just two adults hiking for two hours. I did not schedule a follow up or say anything special afterwards like I would have were I interested. But I said yes to hiking simply b/c I wanted to feel the presence of a woman in conversation and I got some good exercise in the process. I think others here may disagree w/ me doing this, but I know how I feel inside and know I went into this moment with a clean mind and made no effort to have it become more than what it was.

So, I am not sure this answers your question, but here goes: I believe that if my WW and I do not get back together, I will have more confidence and self-respect knowing that my decision not to be with her was one I made under the influence of myself, my own achievements, and my own choices for me; as opposed to being made while under the influence of a new romance or interest. I have read here a few times, and heard it myself from WW, "you should move on" or "You should date others". I have always responded with something like "what I choose to do or to not do is my choice." Imagine your WW coming to realize that the excuse does not exist in their mind of you finding someone else, but that you found yourself and made your choices from that viewpoint.

And then there is this - I think we will all know when we know. Another switch will have flipped.

And a PS for Natus - dude, your 50/50/50 thing is a great idea when you fell like txting her. I work out 6 days a week w/ a lot of core & push ups. But you do 50 burpees you are a badass dude. I used to try them, but holy st they hurt the body. I didn't feel so bad when I saw you were 10 years younger than me, but you keep those up dude. What a great plan when you feel tempted to contact.

[ForGump]

Thanks for your answer, CT1118. Makes good sense to me. I think what you're saying is that you'll start dating when that decision can be made w/o your feelings/considerations for your WW has no impact on your decision. You just decide purely for yourself. Something to ponder for myself....

[CT1118]

ForGump, no not exactly what I meant. If you read my threads, I did actually dated two women briefly when S first began and I slept w/ one of them. This turned out to be an error. I thought it would make me feel better, but instead it made me realize how desperately I needed to look at myself and not to others for feeling better. I had to feel better on my own.

So what I meant was that my actions w/ my WW today are my choice - not hers. Right now I choose to attempt DB process w/ WW b/c I believe what her and I could have in the future is worth it. I also understand that this choice I am making is allowing me time to improve myself in ways I never realized I would get to, but always wanted to. Ways that got me off chemical abuse, ways that helped me address a learning disability I never knew I had, ways that are helping me mature as a man and as a father.

When I first got here I asked cadet directly if at 8 months since the A began and 6 months since S, was I too late in coming here to be helped. Cadet responded, "I think it is too late when they put you in a box and pile dirt on you. Until then you have a chance." Those are profound words and I believe them. But they are not to be mistaken - its all our choice to live in every moment and learn.

I have moments where I lose the feelings/considerations for my WW, but I am aware that pieces of me will always be in love with the girl I knew as a teenager, the young woman I dated and lost in her 20's, the woman in her 30's whom I married and had a beautiful son with. Hell man, even the woman in her 40's who flipped sht and left me. If I feel a switch inside me that says I need affection and to be loved, even if that means the arms of another woman, I will make that a conscious choice and I will know when it happens inside me, but rest assured I will make that for me and not b/c I for lack for feeling or consideration about my WW; I'm not sure that I will ever be w/out those two things. My choice will be because I found myself, I am healthy, I know what I want in life, and my decisions came from there, inside me and not because I was distracted, because I was awake. If that is what I choose that is; it is only but one possible future.