Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

Hi Lou, I will read and re-read your post, thank you for explaining it out. And yes, I agree, I am moving on and forward and it's up to H to figure his feelings out.

Thank you so much ((hugs))

[Pax_luv]

Hi mleigh,

I can't figure out how to quote from my phone, but your statement about how people tend to comment how they were affected vs. any acknowledgement that you were going through anything really struck me.

I went through the same thing myself, I was going bald from the stress that I was internalizing.... I actually felt like I was dying in the darkest days of my sitch. All because I was trying to keep on the brave face and not sharing what was really going on. it blew my mind how upset my SIL was that I didn't reach out to her on her bday. Little did she know that I was in such sadness that I didn't know what day it was. More than anything, I wished she (or anyone) could figure out, hey that is so unlike Feyth.... I wonder what's going on? Instead, I got, "how selfish of Feyth. She can't keep her marriage together, her h is unhappy, etc". Uch- people stink sometimes!!!

I don't mean to hijack, I just wanted to let you know that you have my sympathy. Again, now you have this amazing skill to recognize that when someone you care for is hurting.... You can selflessly put your needs aside to help him/her. I don't believe that's an innate skill because we all want to protect ourselves when we feel hurt, but when it becomes developed it can be life changing. I see that compassion in your posts. Keep it up, mleigh!

[mleigh4]

Hey Feyth, please don't ever worry about hijacking on my thread. I love for people to share their stories and thoughts. I'm sorry your SIL was so insensitive to what you were going through. The best we can do is learn from it. I have seen the changes in myself to be kinder to those who are having even just a rough day....

The vets know what they are talking about when they say that if we can learn from this experience, we can come out as such better people.

[BrightFuture]

I’m re-reading Lou’s post too. Lou, thanks for sharing this. I can probably apply this to my situation with H as well. Especially about them not expecting the feelings to come back. My H left to have a new life. He said so, “there was a phase of my life before you, then there was a phase with you, and now it is going to be a phase after you”. These words stung badly at that time. It’s like I was some kind of peace of furniture that needed to be replaced. Fast forward to today… I don’t think he found that other life. And he is not completely free from his previous life. Time will show if he is brave enough to make any moves one way or another.

[mleigh4]

Hi guys. Just checking in to say hi. I am feeling much more back on my game.

I was ready to start looking for a new truck for S and I, H was on board to help, I was ready to pull money from my CD and savings. When my friends found out, they questioned why I am so concerned about 140k miles, that many vehicles go to much much longer. One friend suggested looking up info, so I did, and realized it's not about the mileage, it's about how well you take care of it. Geez, isn't that the same about age and our bodies!? Lol. So, not getting new truck, I have an appt for a tune up and oil change! My girl has been reliable and running solid, no need to turn her in, just need to take care of her, and she will take care of me.....does anyone see the irony in that?

I DID also make an appt to get a quote next weekend for new countertops in my kitchen. Goodbye tile! I have been wanting this for years.

As far as GAL, I made plans for an upcoming concert and a weekend of wine tasting. I also have some weddings coming up along with some work functions.

As far as H, still rolling on as BFF. Lol. He came today to pick up S. As usual, he hung out for a while, a pattern I am seeing. I told him about a sprinkler that wasn't working, and how I tried to fix it, and the top popped off and sprayed me. I am sure it was hilarious for the neighbors. So we went out to look at it and ended up spending an hour fixing and adjusting sprinklers.

As we were relaxing in the house afterwards, I put on Ghost Adventures, a show I like to watch, during daytime only! H started in, making fun of it. Then he got on his phone, looked up the show, and proceeded to tell me how it was fixed and former cast were giving away the secrets, reading to me all this negative stuff about it, blah blah blah. I finally said, so what? I enjoy it, it's fun, it's for entertainment. He said, ok, as long as you know it's not real and all staged. I said, I like this kind of stuff, I think it's fun to get spooked and have actually had strange experiences of my own, so who really knows? I said, this is me H, can you just be a friend and let me enjoy this without ruining it? OMG, it felt so good to say that, after a history of him teasing me about things, and not worrying about the repercussions!! He backtracked a bit, said he would do this for any friend, than finally dropped it.

We also discussed the story of a local attraction, the Winchester Mystery House, which was also on the show I like. Her husband created the Winchester rifle, and after losing her newborn baby and husband to disease, she believed she was being haunted and punished by the spirits of the people who died by the rifle. Being extremely wealthy, she had people constantly building on her house, to confuse the spirits so they couldn't find her. It's interesting, but I find it a sad story. H voiced that I shouldn't feel sorry for her because many people go through rough times but don't have the resources to get help or waste their money like she did. What!? I told him, I have compassion for others whether they are rich or poor, not sure what that matters. Anyway, the conversation had me feeling so......different from H and his way of thinking. He just seems to want to debate about everything! So not fun!

Other than that, we are getting along well. I got him some essential oils for his headaches, he got me a tracker for my remote so I don't lose it again. He asked me to pick him up tomorrow after dropping off his truck for maintenance and asked to go swimming all together after. We even made plans for Thanksgiving, to make Prime Rib. It's strange, so strange, but feels right.

The best thing, and Job I think of you often when I feel this, is that I am not making every movement and conversation based on what will fix this, or what will stop this. I am me just being me, and not worrying about what he thinks of that, or what the outcome will be. There is no more fixing this, I don't see repair in my future, I see freedom! To just be me! If he wants to be around that, great! Good for all of us. But it's not my motive. I just want to be happy and enjoy my son and my life.

Dropping the rope has been a life changer. It's taken me 3 years to get here. What continued to make it so difficult for me was the mixed messages, the H wanting to stay in my life, but I finally have been able to change my perspective to see that H is a very lost and confused man, not someone wanting to be with me. It's not healthy and not good for me to hold onto hope. Being friends, for S sake, is what works right now and I accept that is all we are. It has made it so much easier to interact with him.

I hope you are all doing well. I see so many new people joining us. My message to you is listen to the advice you are given here, be good to yourself, and let yourself travel through this in stages.

Love and hugs.
M

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh, I've been wondering how you are. It's good to hear from you!

I did laugh out loud that your h was concerned about whether or not you believed the show. That sounds like a great opportunity to start messing with him. Next time he shows up, you should definitely have a male friend (he doesn't know. come over and perform an exorcism as your h is arriving. You can tell him you hear a dog taking to you. Lol!

As I've said before, I imagine it is harder to detach from your h because he is for the most part a pretty nice guy.

Good for you in standing your ground and communicating to him what you need as a friend.

Your plans all sound super fun!

P.S. If you need any parts for your car, let me know as it's turning into the Auto Zone over here.

[job]

Your friends are right about the vehicle mileage. My sister has driven her cars up into the 200,000 range and when they start giving her trouble, she then trades them in. I'm glad you opted to wait on that...and just think...you can now use some of that money to get new countertops! Do you any idea what kind you want and the color?

As for your h, you aren't the only one that enjoys Ghost Adventures...I love watching it too! It's fun entertainment and you get to see some places that you've never been before. I'm glad you spoke up about this show. I'm sure it shocked him just a wee bit that you spoke up...but that's good.

It takes a long time to finally drop the rope, but you are doing really great. Being a friend to him is the best way to go right now because you are comfortable w/that and can actually say what's on your mind, i.e., just as you would a friend. After all, didn't we all start out as friends w/our spouses and go from there?

You are doing great! Keep up the good work.

[mleigh4]

Hello friends! I am enjoying a very rainy weekend and wanted to check in. I went on a 2 mile walk in the rain this morning, came home soaked, and enjoyed it immensely!

Life is good. Work stays busy and fun. It's interesting how you can find this terrible experience helpful to others. My co-worker continues to struggle with his wife and 1 year old son, he shares his struggles and comes to me often for advice, knowing my own struggles. I continue to remind him, marriage is not all rainbows and unicorns, nor is life. It's full of seasons and up to you to weather the storm. If you can, hunker down, deal with the storm and focus on the sunny weather to come.

As for my own season in life? I am a woman, who has been separated from her husband for 3 years now, but finally living life my way. We continue to grow closer in our friendship. He comes over often for dinner, especially on his free weekends. I love cooking, he enjoys the meals. It's very obvious he enjoys spending time at home. It's also clear it's not just about S, there is no doubt he enjoys spending time with me. We talk and talk and lots of laughing.

It's so weird....yet....so right. Neither of us can cut each other out, yet not wanting R, so here we are.

Funny story....last Sunday night H was over and we had all eaten and settled down. I was sprawled out on couch watching tv, H was sprawled out on other side of couch playing with his computer. S was at the dining table on his computer. We were all quiet and in our own worlds, when S got up and peeked around the corner, to see what H and I were doing and why so quiet. He looked.....confused yet happy. He smiled big and went back to his game. I realised, here we are just like old times, total flashback to our life 3 years ago! Relaxed, content and peaceful. It's amazing to think we could be this way after everything.

As for me personally, my feelings towards H remain loving, but only as a really good friend. I have feelings in waves. I sometimes think, why doesn't he just come home? Then I sometimes think, thank goodness I don't live with that man! I continue to process my own feelings within. In the meantime, I am just being me, doing my own thing, true to myself, do things that feel right, and no to things that don't feel right. It's all I can do right now.

I am also still open to someone new in my life. If I was to meet someone who I connected with, I would explore it. I know that would throw my life with H completely out of whack, same if he met someone, but I am just being honest with myself. This works because neither of us have a special someone. But I will deal with that if and/or when that happens.

As for H, he continues to be a mini tornado. He is disruptive and distracting when here, and it's a relief when he quiets down, like a child! But I deal with patience and unconditional love. He just wants to play with me all the time, but if I am in the middle of something, he has to wait. I have been noticing things at his man compound running down and not being replaced, like his pop up cover for his truck. It ripped from the wind in less than a year, and it blows me away that his beloved truck sits out in the elements instead of a garage. He constantly complains about the weeds and house, but I stay quiet. Honestly guys.....my instincts tell me he is getting over having his place, and not so fond of all the alone time....but living with his choices. It shows in all his contact and coming over. Hopefully he is working through some things there.

I got 3 quotes for countertops, so we are down to choosing which place to use. H is fully on board and equally excited about it. We are all going to a wedding in a couple of weeks, and H let me know we were both invited to a birthday party coming up.....again....it's like we are living our married life, but in different homes. The only part of that I struggle with is S having to go back and forth. He continues to complain that he just wants to be home....it's tough and so unfair that the children have to pay a price.

I heard recently that judges are starting to order the children to stay in the home full time, and the parents have to do the back and forth from a 2nd home. Brilliant!! It would be a great motivation to work through things instead of running! I am all for it!

Well, thats a catch up in my world. Sorry so long and thanks for reading through it. I try to keep up with some of you, but find the days going by faster and faster. I wish you all love, patience and peace

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - nice to hear an update and what a nice one it is.

Thanks for sharing. I've been thinking about you.

[mleigh4]

Hi HW! I think about you all the time. As always, I wish you were closer so we could hang out and share stories!

(((Hugs)))