Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

Thanks Job. I have felt sick to my stomach all day. And for some strange reason, my calves cramped up really bad and are killing me. Possibly dehydrated? I am drinking lots of water...

Irish, you are a great example of being able to let go and not let it stop you from living life. You inspire me and I hope I have learned from it. I do know S and I will be fine, who know, maybe even better than fine

Lou, for you to be proud of me is a huge compliment. I don't feel so proud of how I am feeling. It hurts, really hurts, it's hard to stop crying and I feel weak in a way, to give up. I will give this time to process, no decisions other than letting H know exactly how I feel. I'm tired of sheltering him from the reality and want him to be able to look back and know that I reached out to him. I guess I need that too.

I took S school shopping, he has all of his class supplies. We agreed on a hair trim. He did great, it's still long but cleaned up and out of his eyes. He likes it swept to the side, but he doesn't know how to style it so it falls in his face. I told him I will help with teaching him how to style it so eventually he can keep his long bangs.

H replied today, saying yes to all of the above questions. He admits to being a huge part of it, but is scared of moving back to have it not work out again, scared of resentments, scared of putting S and us through failed hope. He says he worries everyday about how this affecting S and I, but still does not know what to do. He wishes it could be as simple as starting fresh, he would love to start new, but he has so many worries. He then joked about me saying "much love" and said I really am turning into a Rastafarian. Then he said, joking aside, he didn't understand what I meant when I said I would keep things the same for S as much as I could.

I told him, it means I will continue to do things together as needed for S as much as I can. I said, my hope has died of us working out, I am moving on. I thanked him for giving me an amazing son and I look forward to watching him grow into an amazing man. I told him, thank you for all the memories, good and bad, it's been quite a ride!

He said, I guess we need to get together some time to talk. He says he knew it can't and couldn't continue like this. To let him know what I want to do.....

[HaWho]

Oh Mleigh - what a tough few days you have had. I can relate to everything you are feeling and experiencing. And there is no doubt that you can be very proud of yourself through all this. You have always given me wonderful encouragement and great advice. Thank you for all that you've done for me!

I think to thrive we all have to get to the point of truly letting go. It is easier said than done, I know. But it's also exhausting to hold on to a person in MLC. They are all crazy in their own ways.

Everytime the pain, loneliness or worry hits me, I stop and remind myself that I have been in this x years and that I do make it through each and every day. And you are already doing this, too.

Wish I could come over there and be a sounding board for you. Or, you could come here and we could bust into the dorm room for a good laugh.

Kidding aside, my thoughts are with you. Don't forget how strong you already are.

[job]

mleigh,
Your sodium level could have dropped a bit to cause the calves to cramp and your stomach to fill sick. Get some Gatorade and drink it. Your electrolytes may be off balance just a bit.

Your h isn't ready to reconcile and return home. He's still got a lot of work to do and if he were to return home now...it would be very stressful, not only for you, but your son as well, because your h would still be confused and unhappy, as well as your expectations would begin to rise and you will become frustrated w/him there and not being a supportive partner in the raising of your son and as a partner to you.

I know you would dearly love for him to return home...but he's got to work out his issues and his concerns are very valid for himself, you and your son. Please do not rush the process...it's got to go slowly and if you rush it, it may not go the way that you would like it to go.

[mleigh4]

Hi HW. Oh I wish you were closer! You have always been a comfort to me. For me, it seems as if I have gone through phases in letting go. I must have been doing a little at a time.

Job, please believe me when I say, I have no desire for H to move home right now. I am 100% sure that would be a huge mistake and I know we are not ready for that. I am disappointed that he has not moved emotionally in 3 years. When he gave me the exact same speech the other day, that I have been hearing since BD, my mind just clicked. I gave up. He is stuck and may always be.

I took S to H last night. On the way, H had told me to let him know what I want to do and when I want to get together to talk. I replied, YOU let me know when you want to talk, it's in your hands, you can carry this burden now. He replied that he HAS been carrying this burden every single day. He said he figured I would want to get together to explain exactly what I mean by "moving on".

I wanted to reply, how about I keep you in the dark for the next 3 years while you try to figure it out? No, I didn't....

It was a friendly drop off and again when H brought S home because he has an early morning meeting, so he only had him for a few hours.

I did send him a quick message this morning. I just pointed out that he expresses how much he hates to see S be so fearful of things, that he was the same when he was young and wishes he hadn't been. I reminded him that fear is causing him to lose his wife, his family and causing him to miss so much every day. I asked him, do you have any faith? Not faith in God, but faith in yourself and others? Because that is what you can turn your fear into. I also sent him some pics of S first day at school since he couldn't make it.

I am not reaching out to H in hopes he comes around. I don't even think it does any good in his head right now. I am making sure, as I wrap things up in this chapter of my life, that I make sure I get everything out. I will not be one of those people who looks back and says, I wish I had tried harder. I think I have stayed very quiet with him, but I feel the need to get things out.

My changes are more internal than external. I still plan on being friendly with H and spending time together with S, it just won't be with any hope that it matters for our R. I am not angry with H, just very sad for all of us.

Wishing you a happy Monday
M

[HaWho]

Mleigh - I have been thinking so much about you. So good to hear an update.

Letting go is hard. I am not saying I am there. But I think one of the things that must make letting go particularly hard in your sitch is that, for the most part your h is nice and not too far crazy. As hard as it has been to face all the horrific projection that's been hurled my way, plus the paranoia, it's kind of a push, too. It's all been so very weird; there's nothing to work with over here.

Anyway, as for your h saying the same things 3 years later, that's exhausting. But it's all on him. Here's the thing, he needs to realize that all relationships are work. Nothing is ever perfect. You have to work each and every day for the white picket fence. Anything that is worthwhile in life requires work to get there. You know this and you've told him this. He is stuck at his own personal pity party. He wants to whine and complain, not fix or work on anything and yet, point fingers and at the same time, not be the one to make a decision. It's really immature.

Whatever you do, we all stand by you. One of the things that worries me is that I hear a lot of guilt from you. I sense that in your mind you are shouldering way more than your fair share of fault here. I guess that's because you are the one working towards a decision? Plus he's still stuck finger pointing. You can already have a clear conscience. You have apologized, made changes, grown and given time and space. I think you need to forgive yourself. It's his crisis.

I guess the question for you is how do you want to live your life and what's in your way?

Be much kinder to yourself. You deserve it.

[mleigh4]

Hi HW,

Having such a nice H makes it VERY hard. Not to mention he loves hanging out together, wants to do vacations and holidays, does something thoughtful here and there....aside from confusing me, it makes me feel cruel and yes, guilty that it's just not enough. It's my biggest struggle! Is it so bad? It could be so much worse, right? It makes me feel a bit crazy at times, but I want so much more. Not just for me, but for S.

the things that keep going through my head are the hard cold facts:

He doesn't want me
He does things with us, but only when it fits his schedule
He has spent over 45k so far to live in a dump
He continues to blame me
And most of all, he treats me like I owe him

Honestly HW, I think H does not want ANY kind of relationship. I think he is very happy in his life right now. He works, has his son only a few days a week, and the rest of the time he has his space and time to do whatever he wants. By leaving, his responsibilities cut in half. He has no fear of losing me because he doesn't want me. And we get along so well, his STBX is actually his friend. Plus, I take care of everything else. Why would he ever want to leave that??? It's actually pretty brilliant, I can't blame him.

And why initiate D? Who wants to deal with that drama and work? Why would he need to?

So that leaves me. What do I do with that? I could be mean and angry, but that's not my style and not how I feel. I could go file and disrupt his world, but why would I? I get enough money from him to stay in my home and still live comfortably. I am able to spend time together as a family, which I enjoy. I have my health benefits in place, a handyman when I need, someone willing to pitch in for house updates, a couple of free nights a week to connect with friends....so why would I mess with that? I don't plan to unless I need to...

So why do I feel so restless? Why can't I just enjoy this? That I don't know....It could be knowing we are only avoiding D because of the convenience of the current sitch. I am sure we could both agree on that! I don't think H has ever even considered working things out with me and I just now have gotten on the same page.

So there you have it, that is my life. Not sure what will happen when one of us gets involved with someone else, it's an unsettling thought...we are definitely not the normal MLC scenario. I do not think H is sad or unhappy, I think his guilt he talks about comes from being happy and not being able to cut the cord because it is just working too well for him. And here I am, not much better.

What would you do if you were in my shoes??

[mleigh4]

Lol. I am reading my post and cracking up because it is so sadly true!

Let's not forget, H has his man cave, man barn and a bunch of dirt to play in, that he probably dreamt about his whole life!

Meanwhile I have a beautiful, clean home that is decorated my style and I am able to find everything where I left it. And I can watch house hunters and chick shows all day!

If we were able to throw some wining and dining in the mix, along with occasional sex, we may just have the perfect marriage for us!

[LouR]

If we were able to throw some wining and dining in the mix, along with occasional sex, we may just have the perfect marriage for us!

Ha ha ha I was just starting to think exactly that from your post before - great you can see the irony and funny side.

Personally I don't feel you have given up on your h, I feel you have given yourself permission to live your life to the fullest with or without him. Your future is yet to be written so its anyone's guess what will happen, so expect the unexpected !!

You are doing great M, there is no rush to make any decisions, sounds like your h is not in a rush to change things either, so take your time.

Love n hugs to you xoxo

[mleigh4]

Hi Lou,

No, the whining, dining and sex was a joke But seriously, I do feel I have given up on him. And I think it's a good thing and has been coming. I have been posting for quite a while that I just am not seeing this work out. When I look at the big picture, I have always felt a wall between us, just something missing.....not sure how to explain it. Could be him, could be me.

Meanwhile, we are happy now and co parent well for the most part. S is doing great, so D does not seem necessary right now. Letting go of hoping my marriage works out allows me to open another door. I will let my new feelings digest and settle. Right now, my marriage is a piece of paper only. A convenience.

I slept great last night! And I feel very at peace.

Btw, S had a great first day as a 4th grader! He says his teacher is "way cool". H and S face timed for a half hour last night just mostly making funny faces. 2 kids they are.

Happy Wednesday, have a good day

[job]

I'm glad to read that you were able to sleep last night and feel at peace. Let go, let God!

I am tickled to read that your son's teacher is "way cool". That's half the battle of getting kids to like school.

Please take care of yourself.