Phase 2

[Pax_luv]

Hi Rouky,
I really like the idea of writing my thoughts down and burning them. I've never done that, but I hear it does help to have that release and even closure. Thanks for sharing that.

I have taken the time over the last 24 hours to reflect on some of the things I'm not missing about h. Yes, he's on my mind (again), but it's almost like a relief to breathe and know that I'm not in the same situation I was several years ago. For one, h got involved in about 16 businesses during our tenure together. All of them ended and 7 resulted in legal action of some sort. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to live in an environment where that is the SOP? Oh my gosh..... It is hard! And scary! I had to place an immense amount of trust in him knowing that he wouldn't put me or our future in a precarious situation. Did I mention it was hard!? Not to mention stressful.

When I think of it, it makes me sad for h.... I think he's going to be fighting (sometimes creating a fight out of nothing, but always with $$$ in mind) for the rest of his life. There's always a fight there.... Always. I think this is on my mind with the impending d. How is he going to manipulate me? What is he going to do so he doesn't "lose?" Honestly, he needs the fight. He was always battling something. It was/is his crutch.

So today-I was surprised that he was chipper and a bit friendly this morning and even reached out via text to check on something with the dog. That never ever happens. Doesn't mean anything... Just is what it is.

Lastly, today I made a commitment to a year long community program. Philanthropy has always been in my blood and I've jumped in to a few causes with both feet since I've been separated. It's really opened doors and I'm now entertaining the thought of going into some civic service in the future- who knows, I may become Councilwoman Feyth someday! I just have to keep allowing my integrity to lead me forward.

That's it for now. Hope everyone has a great week.

[Pax_luv]

Hello, hello! Happy Friday or Saturday (depending on the side of the world you're in!)

Just some musings about the h. (I'm good right now, moreso just journaling this out)...

When I went to get the dog, his best friend was over- a 23 year old young and very good looking guy. They were cordial when h and I were together and since the split they became BFFs. I have to wonder....is this a real friendship, does this kid really enjoy spending time with h or does he see him as his dad?!?! H is literally twice his age. What in the world do they have in common (except for chasing tail?!?). Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who thinks this is a weird relationship. I mean, please tell me I'm not the only one who finds this odd!

This then leads me to think about h's new style. He was always kind of metro/preppy/stylish/chic- very into labels. Then when he got the Harley, he looked like he was trying to join a motorcycle club- leather, doo rags, chains, scruffy all the time. Over the last year, his wardrobe has evolved and now all I see him in is Abercrombie and Fitch. Last I knew, Abercrombie was a teenager store... I actually had to google this....this past year they changed their marketing and now tailor their brand to 14-24 year olds. Still wayyyy too young for h. I sound like I'm judging and yeah I guess I am, but I think if he was "himself" he would be appalled with how out of place he looks.

And last week, he mentioned that he was thinking of moving to LA because the acting industry [censored] in our town. It doesn't surprise me, rather, I just had to think- yep, he's still running. And also, what makes him think the industry is going to be better elsewhere? The competition is going to be much more robust!!! Again, his mantra is... "This isnt working for me so I'm leaving to where it's going to be better!" Running running running.

I don't think this guy is going to wake up anytime soon!

[kml]

Ummm....Feyth? He's an actor. He's into "costumes". And he's best buddies with a young guy in his early 20's?

Are you 100% positive he's not gay????? Stranger things have happened.

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, yes that does sound odd...and funny with the marketing. Like me shopping at Tammy Girl again!!

I understand the whole 'it's not great here, so I need to go there.' I think that's an integral part of MLC (and happens in the M too). Instead of looking inside at potentially dark and scary places, MLCers make these external changes.

XH has changed his marriage, home and job in the last two years. I think it is hard to find a place where you feel settled, particularly as some guilt and shame may be in the mix (for what you've done to your M etc.) But of course that peace within only comes when you reach a point of being willing to deal with some difficult stuff.

Anyway, regardless of what may be going on for him, it sounds as though you are doing well Sweetie xx

[mleigh4]

Yes, I think it's odd. I have seen it though, with some of my own friends, when they share a hobby in common. My friends love rat rods and car shows, which would bring all ages together.

Is there a certain hobby they do together or are they just hanging out?

KML, you crack me up!

[job]

Sounds like he's in very deep replay and the young guy hanging w/him is there to adore and admire him, i.e., they need validation all of the time from others. Your h is lapping up that friendship and the way that young guy is around him. As for his clothing of choice...very typical of the MLCer to want to wear "younger" looking clothing. Again, look outside of themselves for their happiness.

I'm sure the younger guy is just a pal to hang w/and nothing more...but I can see where kml questioned his sexuality. MY PI thought my xh was a cross dresser after seeing some of the web sites he was visiting while in la la land.

He'll change up his clothing choices and friends again as he continues to grow up.

[pinn]

wow Feyth... glad to hear you are handling things well. Your H definitely sounds like he is running and in a strange place. I hope that this never happens to me! Stay bubbly... I like that!

[cheesyt]

hey, I've been hanging out with a guy who's old enough to be my father, he's nice. I really enjoy his company. I'm 27 he's...50ish? Your H could be just a nice guy and so could this guy, I wouldn't read too much into it.

[Pax_luv]

Hello and happy weekend 'eve'.

Thanks so much for the responses and feedback KML, Job, Mleigh, Sotto, Pinn and Clearte.

To reply back to some of the comments above...for a split second I did have to question h's sexuality. It was fleeting, but it happened because I was trying to make sense of all this! My family even asked me if I thought otherwise! But nope, he's straight. Job, interesting thing about your PI thinking your xh was a cross dresser.... Mine wore makeup for a bit during his very very very vain phase. I just didn't get it.

Mleigh- yea this young guy is an actor too. So yes, they do have that in common. H is a very social being and yet has the hardest time keeping friends. Truthfully, he fights with everyone and drops them. It has been a pattern since I've known him. I hate to say it... While he's very friendly and approachable- a good conversationist.... He's not a likable guy. I think people think he's annoying. I could never put my finger on it because I loved him. While in his anger phase, before he bd me, he was actively trying to drop his only 2 friends. Saying he wanted to cut them out of his life. Well, he decided to cut me out instead and got closer to them as a result. How special did/does that make me feel? I think he has more friends now due to his amazingly awesome single social life 🙄

Personally, I think I'm still going through the cycles of grief.. It feels like my emotions are now coming and going at much quicker intervals and I feel like it may be the last go round before its over. (If that makes sense)

The last three nights h has been in my dreams- the first night we reconciled, the next night, I met his gf, then last night we were together but never connected. It was like we wanted to hug and kiss, but it just didn't happen. ahhhh gotta love the power of the subconscious mind!

Today, I am good. Had happy hour with some brand new friends. It was a lot of fun and I'm happy to have new friends that aren't involved in my history or past life. Feels really good to just have fun!!!!

Tomorrow, I will see h to get the dog. Ugh- I hate seeing him every week. I used to love seeing him just for the chance to talk with him and Practice my DBing.... But I'm just not interested anymore. It's more of an inconvenience and nuisance.
Boo.

That's it for now. Be well!

[Pax_luv]

I had another dream about h last night. 4th in a row. What's up with my brain right now?!?? In the dream, I was talking to an old mutual friend (who in real life, I haven't spoken to in forever) she told me there was absolutely no way that h and I are going to reconcile. No chance at all. None. Period ... And thats all I can remember.

Yea, they're just dreams but it goes to show ya how powerful our brains are!

One more thing that I'm pretty proud of- last night at happy hour, I ended up seeing 3 different friends from 3 different groups who were also there. My new friends were like, how do you know so many people?!! One of my friends even said, " Feyth- who are so awesome. You seriously are the coolest and most interesting person." That was the nicest compliment! I think it all stems from learning to have fun and enjoy life and x

This is momentous because I'm an introvert by nature and always took pride in keeping my social group small and very tight knit. I never felt like I "needed" a lot of social interaction because I was always "on" at work. At the end of the day and on the weekends; I just wanted to be home with h. He was my priority and I wanted him to be. Now I understand how codependent I was and have learned that my life is much fuller with more people in it. This was definitely something I worked on as part of my DB goals and it's so cool to feel like I've made progress- authentic progress. Pretty cool.