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Hi, Jim. I'm just stopping by to let you know that I'm still out here in the ether, wishing you the best.

I'ma bit behind on everything, to be honest, but I know that the advice to keep your energies on you and off of her is the only way to go. Banish the thought "get her to change" from you heart and mind. It's never going to happen. Either she will change herself because she chooses to do so... or she won't. It is out of your control and you are wasting your time and energy stewing on such things.

The only person you can control is yourself. Take the high road at every juncture. Take the best care you can of those beautiful boys when they are in your care, take the best care you can of yourself.


((((((((((JimKao))))))))))


H: 44, Me: 45
Married: 20 y Together: 25 y
no kids
Walk away: 12/15
Asked for temp separation 12/25/15
PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had)
H filed for D 5/16
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Quote:
How do I turn this around into something more positive?


Are we still talking about behaviors during the kid exchanges?

Quote:
Both of us are still in the waiting period now. Custody has not been finalized so we both are in limbo. When I call to talk to the boys she does not even pick up the phone to say hello.


Jim, I don't think you will be able to turn things around before custody is made official. My advice is to get through with the kids exchange quickly, and focus on just being civil to her. No more, no less.

I think she will continue to bully and punish you every way she can.........as long as she can. That is what she has become.

Quote:
Does this anger ever go away? The only way I know to get her to change is to cater to her every need and we all know that is not going to happen.


Wait a minute. You tried the catering route, remember?

I think the anger varies with the individual WW. If it stems from years of resentment, it could last for a long time, if she doesn't choose to forgive. If it is anger from selfishly wanting her own way all the time........it may take her dealing with harsh reality before the anger toward you begins to tone down......IDK. She may continue to blame you for everything that goes wrong in her fantasy life. I hope not, but I could see her using you to punish whenever something in her life didn't go exactly the way she wants.

Bottom line is that she isn't going to be nice to you.........not before she sees how the custody goes. No matter what you try right now, she will refuse to respond positively.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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SH, Phoebe,

I have had a good week. I had dinner with family twice. Went out with a friend for dinner and went to another friends house tonight for dinner. Been a little sluggish this week, probably from trying to quit smoking.

I have been watching ted talks. Went to acupuncture again.

Dropped off financials at my L's office. Still no word on custody. Ls said that we have enough paper trail to show claim to the house being built in Canada. Also have info on money STBX is hiding.

STBX continues to do a lot of little things that dig her a deeper hole and will not look good during mediation.

Ls are also frustrated as they send docs to STBX's L and there has been no response. They think STBX is hiding some info to use against me but not sure what.

My Ls said that once custody is done, they are going to do everything they can to finish this quickly. They also think the trial date will be moved from end of August to September which means we will have to go back to the 2/2/5 parenting plan and boys will have to start school here.

I appreciate the guidance in keeping me focused. I do find I think less about her during the day as time goes on.

I apologize for being a broken record also, need to head your advice SH and read the DB book again.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
How do I turn this around into something more positive?


Are we still talking about behaviors during the kid exchanges?


When I wrote the question I was talking about STBX and I. I spoke with DB coach and he said I was doing better at validating so continue to do that even if it is minimal and make the exchanges quick. He did state that if it does fit into my schedule then I should let her know I could meet her halfway to do the exchange. So I might do that this next time around.


Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Both of us are still in the waiting period now. Custody has not been finalized so we both are in limbo. When I call to talk to the boys she does not even pick up the phone to say hello.


Jim, I don't think you will be able to turn things around before custody is made official. My advice is to get through with the kids exchange quickly, and focus on just being civil to her. No more, no less.

I think she will continue to bully and punish you every way she can.........as long as she can. That is what she has become.


Agree.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Does this anger ever go away? The only way I know to get her to change is to cater to her every need and we all know that is not going to happen.


Wait a minute. You tried the catering route, remember?


Yes, and she slapped the D papers on me and did not want to negotiate anything.

Originally Posted By: sandi2
I think the anger varies with the individual WW. If it stems from years of resentment, it could last for a long time, if she doesn't choose to forgive. If it is anger from selfishly wanting her own way all the time........it may take her dealing with harsh reality before the anger toward you begins to tone down......IDK. She may continue to blame you for everything that goes wrong in her fantasy life. I hope not, but I could see her using you to punish whenever something in her life didn't go exactly the way she wants.

Bottom line is that she isn't going to be nice to you.........not before she sees how the custody goes. No matter what you try right now, she will refuse to respond positively.


I think with my STBX it is a combination of all of the things you pointed out.

I found a book on divorcing a narcissist. The summary basically said that you will always suffer even after the D. The narcissist will continue to file motions and take the S to court to make their lives miserable. I pray that this does not happen in my case but we will see. In the mean time, I may buy this book to prepare myself.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
As for Ted Talks

Start with Breen Brown, Jane Mcgonigal and her twin sister Kelly, try Amy Cuddy.

Go the whole hog and select psychology and then random picks.

Most smart tvs have the Ted Talks app.

Jane on games theory is great.

None of this is really about marriage and Rs but about becoming the best you can be.

Learn about ACE scores and childhood trauma, about post traumatic growth and then move on to how the brain works, nutrition and connection.

With over 2500 hrs of talks there is so much to learn. You need never watch TV again. Feed your mind and uplift your soul.

Grow because once you know you can never ever unknow.

I watch 10hrs of Ted a week every week and I read for an hour a day.

In case anyone asks I have read DR once a month since October 2014. On the basis we retain about 8% of what we read, I read and read again. So I watch and watch again.

I am growing up and very soon they will give me my big girl panto.

V

Phenomenal advice.
I read and watch much, but have some catching up to do to hit these goals.
Wise woman you are Sweet Lady V.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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So this week I thought I would be nice and meet STBX halfway to pick up the boys. When she texted me yesterday about coordinating the time and place, I texted back that I was able to move my schedule around to meet her.

5 minutes later the phone rings and I speak with the boys. Then STBX gets on the phone and is all cordial with me and sounds happy.

Then comes the drive to the exchange. STBX starts to text me about babysitter and how unfit she is to watch the boys. I respond to one text only. The remaining issues I knew we would discuss when we met. As soon as I open the passenger door to the minivan, she started to spew accusations about babysitter and that I knew about these things (right in front of the boys).

I stated calmly that I would handle it and that I have come home unannounced with no issues and have spoken with the boys in the past to ensure they are safe.

(Doors are now closed to the minivan)

I then expressed the following in the parking lot facing away from the boys: STBX, I feel frustrated when I do nice things for you and then get accused of doing something wrong every time we meet. I will no longer do any favors such as meeting halfway.

She then got more angry spewed more and called her L.

My Ls sent the list of questions for admission at the end of the day. STBX will probably get these questions tomorrow which will throw her into more of a tizzy.

Mondays are so much fun!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Jim

A few things ok.

Document and record xWH. The courts aren't able to see what isnot documented and it's easy to label abuse it goes both ways.

It's not helpful to label your WW with a diagnosis, label her behaviour instead. Whilst you may be convinced she has a disorder, realise that labelling may hold you back and she hasn't been diagnosed.

It might be easier to think of her as having issues which create high conflict style behaviour instead. Google high conflict and the law and see what emerges. I am planning an extension to the abuse thread on high conflict behaviour.

After your D then by all means go the whole hog on labelling and analysis. You will need a good copy of the DSM and type B to know the difference between the types and there is good quality healing available.

In order to recover it's a case of looking insidea and building yourself. To make yourself less vulnerable in my opinion you will need large doses of self love.

For the moment it's enough to get by, truly it is and healing comes quickest at the end of the grieving process.

Jim you are a remarkable man and anger is your friend, it is a great motivator for you, let it be so, don't hold back. It's going to be ok in that. You are a man amoung men, an extraordinary person with enormous capacity for love and joy.

Know this, great joy will come, great great joy, and it comes from your family, your boys.

I am proud to post to you Jim.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Jim

A few things ok.

Document and record xWH. The courts aren't able to see what isnot documented and it's easy to label abuse it goes both ways.

It's not helpful to label your WW with a diagnosis, label her behaviour instead. Whilst you may be convinced she has a disorder, realise that labelling may hold you back and she hasn't been diagnosed.

It might be easier to think of her as having issues which create high conflict style behaviour instead. Google high conflict and the law and see what emerges. I am planning an extension to the abuse thread on high conflict behaviour.

After your D then by all means go the whole hog on labelling and analysis. You will need a good copy of the DSM and type B to know the difference between the types and there is good quality healing available.

In order to recover it's a case of looking insidea and building yourself. To make yourself less vulnerable in my opinion you will need large doses of self love.

For the moment it's enough to get by, truly it is and healing comes quickest at the end of the grieving process.

Jim you are a remarkable man and anger is your friend, it is a great motivator for you, let it be so, don't hold back. It's going to be ok in that. You are a man amoung men, an extraordinary person with enormous capacity for love and joy.

Know this, great joy will come, great great joy, and it comes from your family, your boys.

I am proud to post to you Jim.

V

Yes, what V said.
Your a good dude.
Protect yourself and those lil sons of yours.
She is the Tasmanian Devil now spinning wildly out of control and you do not need to be caught in the path.
Be well today and have some good times with your kids.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Jim

A few things ok.

Document and record xWH. The courts aren't able to see what isnot documented and it's easy to label abuse it goes both ways.


I am going to have to go to recording all face to face conversations in order to ensure she calms down or defers the conversations I have with STBX to another time and not in front of the boys.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla
It's not helpful to label your WW with a diagnosis, label her behaviour instead. Whilst you may be convinced she has a disorder, realise that labelling may hold you back and she hasn't been diagnosed.

It might be easier to think of her as having issues which create high conflict style behaviour instead. Google high conflict and the law and see what emerges. I am planning an extension to the abuse thread on high conflict behaviour.

After your D then by all means go the whole hog on labelling and analysis. You will need a good copy of the DSM and type B to know the difference between the types and there is good quality healing available.


I agree with this. I could label all day long in the end it does not matter. I have done research on high conflict divorce and although a lot of the articles lead back to narcissism no one will really know if she truly is. The only thing I really know is that STBX does not want to be with me and wants to be a SAHM and have me move to Toronto to co-parent.

I purchased an audio book on high conflict divorce and am currently listening to it. I am not only reading these types of books to learn how to address issues with STBX, I am also reflecting to see if I have certain traits or characteristics that I need to improve on in order to have a better R with STBX in the future.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla
In order to recover it's a case of looking insidea and building yourself. To make yourself less vulnerable in my opinion you will need large doses of self love.

For the moment it's enough to get by, truly it is and healing comes quickest at the end of the grieving process.


Thank you again for this. I had a really good day yesterday, did not have a cigarette all day, then lit up at 10pm. Why, because I enjoyed it and it helped me relax from all the BS that happened that evening.

It is just a shame that STBX cannot forgive. I have done almost everything she has asked except completely quit smoking which I can overcome this week and moving to Toronto. She is willing to spend thousands of dollars and create tension between people though and does not realize she is taking this money away from the boys in the long run.

Her BIL stated that there is tension between MIL and SIL every time my boys visit with their mom because MIL only focuses on helping STBX with her kids and does nothing for SIL. Both MIL and STBX pay no attention to FIL and his comments about not wanting the boys in his house and how it is not his responsibility to raise them.

BIL also stated that STBX has told her family to go NC with me. STBX and her family do not know that BIL and I have had a few conversations. We talk about his S4 and how my boys interact together when they spend time with their cousin. BIL and I are not close but we both respect each other and understand the dynamic of the family we married into.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Jim you are a remarkable man and anger is your friend, it is a great motivator for you, let it be so, don't hold back. It's going to be ok in that. You are a man amoung men, an extraordinary person with enormous capacity for love and joy.

Know this, great joy will come, great great joy, and it comes from your family, your boys.

I am proud to post to you Jim.

V


V,

I am honored to have your support and the many others who have posted on my threads (SH, SuperSara, Rose888, Sandi2, Painter, Phoebe, Rich4j, and so many more)! Thank you all for grounding me again and helping me find myself.

I am no longer angry at her or anyone else. I am angry at her behavior though and those who support and appease that type of behavior like MIL.

I may be slow at making decisions, but I also know I need to focus on how to heal and deal with STBX long term as this resentment will fester in her for a very long time and I need to be able to control the dynamic of the situation for me and my boys.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Oct 2014
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Now let's just talk about resentment.

Know this you do not have to forgive WW, not in any way at all. In fact my philosophy is that is not your job. It is her higher power and Karma.

In my thinking generally those who ask for forgiveness get it.

I will say resentment is a behaviour which will hold YOU back, lovely Jim let that go. The need for revenge, to see another suffer for the things they have done will impact you.

Choose to let resentment go, you will feel so much better with you.

Resentment leads to behaviours you may find yourself unhappy with.

Let go.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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