New here and separated

[Coly23]

Hi ForGump, I'm so sorry your situation is still bad. Has your W actually filed for D or only threatening to?

Dinner tonight was really lovely. H was like his old self again, very chatty and gave me more eye contact than he has in nearly three months. My D was very happy with how it went and thinks that maybe it is his pride that stops him from making the first move. It was very hard not to talk to him about the R but I am proud to say I resisted and for all the anxiety I suffered before he arrived I think I did a very good job of appearing very serene and confident!

[Raul]

Coly23,
I am pleased to hear dinner went well.

I would say that you are fortunate to at least spend time with your H. Many of us here, including myself, our spouses are not coming around or calling us.

Do keep working on yourself, emotionally and physically, so the once a week he can see progress. But of course, do it for you first.

ForGump is right too, I wish my W would ask my daughters about me. I stopped asking if their mom asked about me. My 9 yr. would always give me a sad face and say no, she was talking to a man on the phone most of the time.

[ForGump]

Hi ForGump, I'm so sorry your situation is still bad. Has your W actually filed for D or only threatening to?

She's slowly working on filing. One might be tempted to point to her slow pace as a reflection of her ambivalence, but ... all signs are that although she's scared about doing it, her determination has not wavered a single bit.

At this point, after having passed through some very bad times thinking about what the D would mean for me, I'm ready to force myself to move forward -- that is, if I'm thinking ONLY for myself. But we have kids, and that just breaks my heart all by itself.

[Coly23]

Thanks Raul and ForGump. I know I should count myself lucky that we are able to still see each other but even up until last night we were never sure what mood he would be in so we spent most of the day before he arrived worrying. Sometimes when he came over he looked so sad, sometimes like a petulant child and sometimes like a rabbit in headlights. The awkwardness was so palpable that when he left we felt conflicted with feelings of relief and sadness.

I think last night was the first time I didn't really care what mood he was going to be in. I had no expectations and i made sure that I kept my talking to a minimum and let him and my daughter do all the talking but he still managed to draw me into the conversation anyway. The only awkward thing that happened is that when he was going to go I offered to pack up the remainder of his takeaway (chicken curry) to take back with him but he looked a bit hurt and suggested I freeze it instead. I was genuinely a little confused and said that there was no point as he wasn't here to eat it! To which he replied that when he comes over next week and if he fancies curry we can defrost rather than buy another one. This is what we used to do as a family as none of us would ever finish our takeaway so we always froze them for a lazy evening when we couldn't be bothered to cook. I'm just worried that he is cake eating or is he genuinely trying to reconnect slowly?

ForGump, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you to be living under the same roof as your W knowing that she is working towards filing for D. Surely if she wanted D so badly she would be steaming towards it? You say she is determined but slowly working towards D but that does not sound like a determined W to me, it sounds more like someone who still isn't quite sure of her decision but isn't going to tell you that! In the meantime you are left in limbo waiting which is very unfair. Are there any 180s you could do go try and shake things up a bit?

[Coly23]

Raul, it worries me how a spouse can just seemingly forget about us once they walk out if the door. I have wondered many a time about whether my H is thinking about me as much as I think about him. It's so hard not to fill in the gaps and assume they are not thinking about us but sometimes that's all we have to go on if there isn't anything tangible to tell us otherwise.

I remember when I first started seeing my H and I had some exams at the time, I used to ask him to think of me during my exam and he would always say that off course he would but he didn't know if he could think of me anymore than he already does because most of his thoughts were about me. I try to hold onto that sometimes when I am feeling low, that maybe he does think of me even though he doesn't show it....

[Coly23]

Not sure if I did the right thing but just sent a text to H to thank him for bringing over the takeaway and wine and said we had a good evening. He responded quite a while later to say he had a good evening too and hoped I have a good weekend. Do you think this would be considered pursuing?

[Coly23]

Has anyone had to ask a friend to back off from offering too much support to their WAS?

[Melo]

Hey Coly, under the present circumstances the text is pursuing, it's better to wait your H texts you and then respond.
Why do you want to ask a friend to be there less for your H?

[Coly23]

Thanks Melo, as soon as I sent the text I regretted it especially as the response was so rubbish!

H has refused to speak with the majority of his friends as he is most probably embarrassed about what he has done and also he admitted that he didn't want to talk to anyone as all they want to talk about is why he left. His best friend and wife managed to corner him and told him that he has behaved disgracefully so now he is also avoiding them. However he has one friend who when he first left allowed him to stay in his rental flat for a month and when he had to move out offered to let him stay in his house for another couple of weeks. He invites him to family lunches/dinner/BBQs takes him out to play golf etc. But does not discuss anything about why he left us so my H is happy to spend time with him and his family. I just want to tell him to back off as he is making if too easy for my H to move on. How can he miss his own family if he is getting cosy with someone else's!

[ForGump]

ForGump, ... Surely if she wanted D so badly she would be steaming towards it? ... you are left in limbo waiting which is very unfair. Are there any 180s you could do go try and shake things up a bit?

I believe she's only slowed down by a fear of the practical (economic) consequences -- if that wasn't there, she would've found closure on this months ago. I believe she's taking her time to "get her ducks in a row" so that when the D is final, she'll have a place to land.

I am left in a limbo and it's unfair but she does not care as much about fairness right now as she does about how she feels -- I don't know if she's a WAS or WW or MLC but I believe their primary focus isn't themselves and their feelings, not the welfare of their long-term partner.

But then I have to admit the extra time I have ... I like it because it postpones the trauma that I believe we'll cause on our kids, and because I hold on to a slender reed of hope that some DB might have some effect on her.

I've been trying to GAL, do some 180's and go dim, but it's hard to do it in an intense way when living under the same roof and trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy w/ kids (they have not been told anything yet, although they are starting to sense something is going on.) Most of our exchanges have to do w/ parenting issues, although there have been a few non-parental conversations.

I'm open to suggestions for doing GAL/180/go-dim while living in the same house....