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Just reporting so when I look back I can remember how far I have come. Went to see a friend, then decided to stop by SIL as I felt bad to be in same village and not seeing her.

Had a good chat with her and she answered few questions I had. Was she telling me the truth or not but it was what I wanted to hear. None of my IL have met OW, and she said that so far they have no intention to do it. Maybe later on, but I know that there will be a time when it will happen. H hasn't mentioned anything about D with her, but he told her that he has no intention to remarry (that is what he also told me). I now understand why he won't file as he can say to OW he can't marry her because he is still married to me. She also told me that I should give up hope of us getting back together and move on with my life. She asked me if I really wanted H back, and if I was, would I trust him because of all his deceit, lies and wouldn't I always wonder where he is. She also told me that OW is my H choice but she believes that what goes around comes around. She also said that H loves me but not enough to reconcile. She added that he feels guilty for being such a bastion but I shouldn't expect an apology from him as H would never admit he was wrong. She doesn't speak highly of OW ( knowing that she is friend with her brother for about 10 years now!). She has also said to H not to move in OW and find both of them disrespectful to put stuff on FB about their happiness!

As a whole I needed her to tell me this as I don't want to be bitter with H; on the other hand I needed someone from his family to tell me that I should stop hoping! How I feel about it? Sad but I have noticed the changes in me and I'm more aware of the interaction in a marriage, so whoever comes next will fully benefit from my growth. Don't think I'll be able to say this about H!

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Am I a bad mother for saying that I have enjoyed the time the kids were with their dad? I went out a lot and I have done a lot in my new house (including a spring clean in kids' wardrobes!). So much easier when they aren't there!
I had such an interesting chat with IC about why I still have ups and downs, and we finally nailed it down to the fact that I was struggling with rejection. IC can see that I love H but that I'm not in love with him! IC pointed out the differences she has seen in me since I started with her, and was very encouraging. She told me that even if it seems like a long time and I don't see progress straight away, I'm making changes in my life to break the vicious circle of always entering unhealthy relationships. IC added that I had two choices: either to carry on devaluating myself (like H has been telling me all those years) or to choose to be happy. She reinforced that everything in life is a choice, and H cheating on me was HIS.

Alleluia! I'm finally seeing my H's flaws, that I could have been the perfect wife ( as we know that doesn't exist) but he still would have done what he did. He is a broken man and as much as I love him I can't fix him.

I'd like to say sorry to all of you here ( job, Sotto, shotgun, KLM, Inpain, Ancaire, NYGal and others) for not listening to you when you were right in saying that H is broken and I can't fix him. Better later than never to realise this (although a year to realise this, I think I might have been taking the the mick though:-)!). I have chosen to be happy, to live life to its fullest and not let go of that damn rope! H will not come back and to be fair I don't think I want who he is now. I'm showing my daughters that I have self respect and that I deserve better. IC reckons that my journey on self worth and respect had begun when u kicked H out after giving him a change to work on marriage. I feel stronger, more at peace but not naïve that there will be ups and downs along the road.
WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!

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Rouky,
No, you aren't a bad mother because you enjoyed "your" time alone to get things done. We all need those "me" times to recharge our batteries and yes, sometimes it is easier to do things around the home when the children are not there. So, please don't think you are a bad mother.

I'm glad you are finally understanding what we've been posting to you. It takes time for the advice to sink in, but when it does, the light bulb goes off and you begin to start moving forward and finding your footing once again. You will still have days of ups and downs, but don't allow them to get you down. Work through the things that make the down days and know that once you are on the other side of those down days, life is so much better.

You've got this! You now have a better understanding of what you need to do in order to live your life for you and your children and what will make you happy.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Things are getting better by the day. Went to see some friends who live next door to H and they talked about him. I was a bit annoyed but I let them carry on because they genuinely care about me. They know that I'm still hoping for reconciliation, and they told me that even if it's great to still believe in my vows, I need to move on. Basically H said that he won't come back ( even if it's not nice to hear I took it as a sign that I need to let go and drop the rope)! I can't explain why but having two set of people close to H to tell me this feels like the closure that I wanted H to tell me but never did. It's weird but I feel liberated.

My friends told me that they haven't been introduced to OW, but they saw her once and didn't acknowledge her. Apparently she is only at H's once a week. H told my friend that he doesn't feel confident with OW, that he can't see a future with her ( H could be lying), his actions of not introducing her to any of his family of close friends would seem to reinforce what H thinks about OW. Even my friend ( male) is surprised, that as I have been separated from H for 16 months, that OW hasn't moved in or been on holidays with H. He says if OW was really true love, he'd live with her and she's have met our children. My friend said that H has no intention to introduce her to our kids. Also H says to my male friend that he doesn't like when OW brings her kid round his place!

I know I shouldn't be happy but even if it isn't true what H says, it still feels good to hear what he says about OW to friends. They also reckon that OW FB posts are immature and they think she does it on purpose, which to them is pathetic because of her age! Hard to explain but I really can feel the rope going. In a way I feel sorry for OW as she is clearly in love and sees a future with H, when so far his actions are the opposite. Only time will tell.

Went on a date. It was nice but just that. My life goes on and I'm doing g a lot of spiritual reading at the moment. I also went for another reiki session and I feel so much better after it!

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I just read your post Rouky, and am genuinely happy for you! I'm so glad things are getting better day by day. Reiki and the spiritual reading sounds awesome! That's my cup of tea!

As for the date....I'm glad you had a nice time. I know it's not the best DB strategy, but I have found that going on dates allows me to really be true to myself and meet men/ find a potential partner who truly gets me and values me and vice versa. To me dating is like applying all our DB lessons in real life. It's really fun!

Re: your H- meh... Not your circus nor your monkeys. Even if it's just lip service, it doesn't sound like his romantic life is all rainbows and cupids. There's real life stuff in there like family and children that have to be brought into the mix eventually if that r is meant to move forward. The good news is, you don't have to worry about it.


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I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15
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Hi Rouky, I've just been catching up on your thread.

I'm loving how much more confident and happy you are! Oh, and no need to apologise for not listening about H being broken - we all take time for people's advice to sink in around here! Advice I give to others I could definitely say to myself too, but don't accept it for myself. I am just glad that you are coming out of this so much stronger.

Also loved the bit where you said that you were showing your girls that you have self respect and deserve better - I have been thinking around this issue too recently.

Glad you had a nice time on your date, it must be a really hard thing to do.

Interesting to hear what others think of H's OW. Things aren't so rosy after all. Karma perhaps?


M-43 H-42
S-11 D-7
T-19 yrs
M-15 yrs
Bombshell 9/17/15
Sep - 11/9/15
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Rouky Offline OP
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So good to hear from you IP. I think I have reached a point now where I'm not interested in what people think about OW. H's actions speak volume to me. Only time will tell.
It's strange as if H was to settle down with someone else, I don't think I would be that resentful, and I would probably be friendly towards they new woman. Really can't explain why.
I'm reading an interesting book about self worth, and also I have a friend who has been such a support for me. She is a little further down the road, and has so many wise advice!
What I have really appreciated was that some people I truly consider as friends (even SIL) don't agree with what H's did/ is doing, and to me it shows that there are still some people with morals and values.
So not everyone is bad in this world!

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with time you start to see réalise things. I would always be tensed with my family when H was around but this year for a long time, I can say that I had the best family holidays. No watching what I was saying, doing basically being me. Kids has a great time too.

Still didn't manage not to think about H, although him hardly contacting us has made me see more about who he really is. H has attended common friends wedding but was on his own. I found it strange as he has been with OW for a while now.

Other than that I carry on moving forward. I'm doing a lot of spiritual research, and I even surprised myself by slowly stepping back and not taking things too much at heart. I'm getting back to myself and showing genuine care for others ( I used to be like that when I first met with H).

I still read posts here but feel I don't have much to contribute as interactions with H are at their lowest. I'm thinking of all of you here xx

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I'm so glad you checked in Rouky. It's always nice to hear how you're doing.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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I can't believe all the challenges I have faced the last 17 months and I still managed to get my students to get excellent results at their summer examinations. I'm so proud of my students and myself!

Everyday I'm learning something new about myself and my worth. H used to make me feel bad for everything I was doing, not good enough, but after today's exams results I'm happy and confident that I'm a good person, a good teacher and a good mother.

Wow what a revelation! I just had to believe in me.

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