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lt0402 #2693247 07/28/16 01:29 PM
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Ok, appointment on the books for middle of August. The week after we get back from the beach. Hadn't realized it'd be this difficult to line one up. Very depressing to think about, but all part of the process...


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2693248 07/28/16 01:37 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
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lt0402 - shop around for a L too. Don't just pick the first one you find unless they are highly recommended. I contacted 5 in my rural area alone.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP #2693303 07/28/16 07:06 PM
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Thanks AP. Planning on visiting at least 2. Pretty costly for consultations at 200 per visit though. Got one scheduled for Monday am. The other is on the 19th but I may try to get a recommendation from friends/family after we tell our D about the S since that's when I'll tell a few select people. If I get a recommendation I'll cancel the 19th.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2693305 07/28/16 07:24 PM
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Great GAL activity tonight. 3 hrs of wings and beer with a friend I hadn't seen in 6 months. A lot of good conversation around stuff that wasn't related to current situation. I haven't shared with friend my situation yet. He will be one of the select people I tell though.

Friend actually brought up that his brother and W were separating and chatted about how he was mad at his brother he wasn't trying to make it work for the kids. A lot of depressing stuff happening out there. Amazing how the human experience is so similar for people.

All in all a great time. We decided we'd grab another friend and get together again Saturday night. Need to check Ws plans but should be good to go. Is there some point where you can go out too much when GALing? Just don't want to seem like a disappearing dad. Maybe I'll wait on Saturday until D goes to bed.

Researching divorce today in depth as I start reaching out to Ls. Thinking I may understand why W was enraged when she found out I'd taken pictures of messages bt her and OM. In Virginia adultery is grounds for immediate divorce and allows for no spousal support. Ws comments around "do what you will to hurt me but please think of D" after finding out I'd saved the messages makes sense now. I didn't have a clue what she meant bc I never meant to use them legally. I'd just wanted them in case she denied it. I'm a better man than that. Now that I realize that's what she was afraid of, it hurts she doesn't think I'm that man anymore. Guessing all her actions show that she doesn't view me as that man anymore though. I know she's wrong.

Tried calling D on the way home from dinner and W sent back a message saying "D doesn't feel like talking right now". Thinking W is being passive aggressive when she sends that. Have gotten that response back the past 2 times I've been out past Ds bedtime. Said hello to W when I walked in door, no response. So I went up, kissed D goodnight and then put my stuff out for tomorrow. Didn't say goodnight to W, bc if she won't acknowledge me, I won't engage her. Still think this whole thing is insane.

Gym in the am. Pokemon with D in the pm. Should be another spectacular day!


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2693427 07/29/16 10:33 AM
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Anniversary today, kind of a bummer. Digging into how divorce works and setting up L consultations is also weighing on me. Not sure why it all feels so heavy currently. Been a little while since the situation had really gotten me down.

Tempted to tell W that it hurts when she doesn't respond when I talk to her, but I think that's the wrong thing to do. Maybe it's better to pull her aside and say that I don't appreciate it when she disrespects me by not responding.

Have some quality time w/ D this evening hunting pokemon. Really looking forward to that! Think I'm going to GAL on Saturday evening once D is down in bed too w/ some friends. Hoping those two things will get my mind out of the funk it's in right now.

Strange how you can feel fine for days but then some small thing can pull you back into a down mood. Need to work on that some more.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2693431 07/29/16 10:51 AM
Joined: Jul 2016
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ouch. my anniversary was while I was enjoying my solo vacation in europe. try not to think of it as anniversary day...it helped me. think of it as another friday, and go do something with your D


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
cheesyt #2693514 07/29/16 07:07 PM
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Thanks clearte. Survived the day, so all good. D and I spent 2 hours catching fireflies and Pokemon in the park which was an awesome distraction. D has such a good sense of humor that it's tough to stay in a funk around her!

Feeling a little hacked off that W never thanked me for clearing up two substantial issues that took weeks to fix (our AC breaking + the tax issue from early July). Realizing that yesterday I took off 6 hours to meet the AC people at house. W took D to camp, then came home, went for a run, took a long shower and then left to do who knows what. Feel somewhat used in that situation. It's almost like W has no grasp that without my job we don't have a place to live, food to eat, etc. and after fixing both of those things there's no thank you for them, just the same coldness there was before.

Outside of that rant, told W tonight that I'd like to do all Ds food this weekend. W obviously had an issue with that and said she didn't understand why I needed to do that. Told her its bc that's how I learn and I need to know. Seems so unnecessary.

Anyways, gym in the am, D time midday, then GAL tomorrow evening.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2693832 07/31/16 08:04 PM
Joined: Jul 2016
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Feels weird not to post in a couple days.

Saturday am, missed alarm clock. Think time at the gym and the situation had me exhausted. W tells D first thing that I will make her breakfast. That was good. Make breakfast without a hitch then D and I play while W exercises and then goes for a run.

W gets back and showers and take of for gym. After that I go get fitted for new running shoes since the sole of one of my 7yr old shoes fell off leaving the gym. Back at the house around 5ish. D asks where I've been, somewhat upset I wasn't home earlier. Had thought that D and W told me that D had a friend coming over at 4 for a sleepover. Not the case and friend showed up at 530. Need to do a better job of knowing ads schedule.

Weird thing happens when Ds friend gets dropped off. Other mom mentions how both their kids are at sleepovers and her and husband are going out to dinner. W says, "You are so lucky, I'm jealous". Just seemed strange since she won't give me the time of day. Could be that she just wants to get out of the house without me or D. Who knows...

7pm rolls around and I leave for my GAL activity for the evening. W seems irked about this. D asks where I'm going and I tell her out to dinner with friends. D seems to not like it when I leave. Trying to figure out how to counteract and fix that.

Had a great time with friends. One I hadn't seen in a year. Got dinner then hung out and talked until the restaurant closed at 11. Very good to catch up with great friends.

Got home at 1130. D and friend were still up and in her room. W was in her spot on the couch with her Saturday evening wine. Ask W if the girls are up. She says yes and puts something down forcefully on the couch. Don't pay attention and head up to check on girls. Girls go to sleep, I do some reading and follow suit.

Yard work this am. We do family time at Target, getting some supplies for next weeks beach trip. W gets angry at D and me for "blocking the whole aisle" every time we go down one. D starts to follow W around like they are in a single file line and W tells D and me to back off bc she needs space. I had an issue with that and addressed later in day wo D around. W was on her phone every chance she got too.

We do lunch at home. I hop up to cut Ds banana and W tells gets upset. I remind her that I learn through repetition and I need to be able to do all this, like I asked on Friday. W says that I can't just jump in and take over and that her and D don't "trust me". That about set me off into "you're the last one who should lecture about trust" but I held back and listened to her, validated in my own bad way, and we said we'd discuss later wo D around. She also said that this wasn't helping me, my D, or my W. The reason she said it was not helping W was that I'm creating a lot of anxiety for her.

I go to gym, W takes D to friends house, and then we both come home. I finish up yard work and next thing I know W is quickly backing out of driveway then quickly speeding away. Had hoped to discuss the food stuff while D was at friends house but I guess not. Instead I chose to address the Target situation via text. Told her she'd been pretty tough on D at target and it might make sense to talk to her about it. No answer.

Took D Pokemon hunting in park after dinner. Asked D if she'd been upset at target and D said yes. Asked if her and W had talked about it and she said yes and they were good. Felt good bc I'd read D correctly and the W actually listened when I told her something was wrong. 2 things that hadn't happened in a while.

Came home and plunked down to watch sharknado 4 with D and W. Big thunderstorm and we all ended up on one side of the couch. Felt like a family for about an hour. I know it's not real but still felt good.

Meet with L first thing tomorrow. Going to get some hard advice on our options and the structure of what a D would look like. Should help me start to piece together a plan for W and I and help me get in control of this thing.

Feel like something else bad is going to drop post beach trip next week. Maybe W goes out of town again one of those weekends. Who knows. [censored] being in the same house when W obviously doesn't care about you. Trying to steel myself in case that happens. Still don't feel like W and I can even approach being friends again. She still has her walls up as much as ever.

Staying strong for D and me. Building that bond to last. Working on myself but still some way to go. Really need to work on listening and validating. Really bad at those.


Me39
M11 : T13
D9
BD 5/31/16
In House S until 6/21/17
Divorced 10/5/18
lt0402 #2693836 07/31/16 08:42 PM
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 443
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sounds like a decent weekend.
It's comforting (maybe the wrong word) I'm not the only one going through the W on the phone 24/7. I feel your pain there.

good luck at the L's tomorrow!
let us know how that goes!


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
lt0402 #2693837 07/31/16 08:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 436
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Stay strong. I suck at validating too but good at listening.

It [censored] when in house together and she doesnt care. I went through that for 5 months before separating physically. I didnt GAL enough during that time and it almost drove me crazy. Hang in there.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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