The lie continues...

[CT1118]

So I have spent the past three days since I did the 2nd BD thinking and reading about MLC. The things my WW said to me during that BD just sounded like something things she said before, many times - like way before the A, and she said them again during the BD and she said them again after, and then again three days ago. When I thought about it, the things she said never really wavered or changed. I realized I had been so focused on the A and/or the AP as well as on my hopes to get her back, that these these were not clicking in my head.
I had to BD the 2nd time. I spent a great deal of my earlier posts trying to get an answer on whether or not to tell her.

Finally I realized the answers were all through the thread from various people "tell her if you need to, but do it for you...be prepared for the consequences". Well, I realized this weekend that the constant lies were a boundary for me, while I did not wish to hear of her plans with her AP, I also did not wish to hear lies about it. And while WW was speaking during the 2nd BD I knew I had not been paying attention (did not tell her that). I am glad I confronted the A a 2nd time though - glad because it released me in many ways to truly pursue detachment. Its begun, but I have more road to travel than I realized - silly me.

So, three days of reading - I am convinced (no, Im not a doctor) that WW is in an MLC. I took notes from books, website, and posts from the MLC forums here. WW has so many of the symptoms that I felt like I was reading the story of her life. As I understand it so far, this is a whole lot different than we were having marriage problems and she simply wanted a new thrill in life, which is what I was focused on. The A is a big part of it, but it is also a normal response during these times for men and women.

Best as I can tell, she is in stage 3 of this whole thing.I want to stay married, but I am committed to myself being healthy one way or the other. I think my biggest challenge is re-writing an alternative future. Not to give up hope, but to understand that hope can exist simultaneously beside the reality of my life - which is to prepare for a future which may not include her.

I understand that I am now in a different type of response zone from my reading. Would love some advice. I doubt I am the only person here who began their focus on just the A and then came to realize that this was not the only problem. From what I have read about my stages of recovery, I think I am on a pretty good track with my thoughts. How to let go without full dark. How to be nice without showing my hand. How to help myself and know that this is not just for gaining WW's attention directly, but knowing WW will notice.

[CT1118]

OK, seriously, someone mentioned if my posts were not being commented on it meant I was doing things well, or good, or right??? Or people are bored w my story - always possible.

I am not sure wtf is going on with my WW. Am I doing it right? Story from past few days...you can all read above many times over about latest BD and how at the end I told WW she was free to make her own choices, I was free to make mine. Annnnnndddddddd....I did back off, significantly. I have accepted a few phone calls, 2 emails, etc, but I have ignored the bulk and when I did respond I was polite, validating, and brief; plus I left all of the talk up to her. And then today...

She called in the morning - I rejected call via text that said I was in a meeting, which was true. I called back thinking it was over S4, but she told me she wanted to say hello and then began on some mess about her work, I listened to her and then she asked me what to do about it. "Well, first I am sorry you feel that way, but as I was listening to you, you said [convo specific answer]. It sounds to me like you already know what to do, that must make you feel good." WW said "thanks for helping me" I told WW, it was not my decision, she identified it herself and that I had to go. Then come email bombs, which I did not respond to (except one, which was about what she had to pay on insurance - valid question - I only answered 'yes'), then another phone call, which I rejected with a text stating I had just gotten done performing emergency medical aid and calling 911 on one of my employees, which was true, and I was not able to talk. Then, mid-afternoon I get an email with a picture of a tree that states"I hope your day is going well" Please know that I am an Arborist,so in the past when I would screw up in the R, I would send her a tree picture instead of a heart or flowers or something. It was my thing to her and she sent one to me. Nice gesture, touching even, ignored it. Just 3 minutes ago I get a text. Thinking it was my buddy I had been texting earlier, I open it - text from her of my S4 (with her tonight) saying "he just looks more like you everyday". I did not reply - its late and I am actually getting ready for bed reading.

So, DB world, please offer me something - what am I seeing here, the dim lights working?, the LRT taking hold? guilt/recognition/loss?, am I now the distancer? or is WW just getting frustrated w/my hard to get?

It's still pretty early in this level of the strategy for me to even think this is turning around that quickly. At what point do you offer a small percentage more (It seems too early to me, so to you, the outside observer...) Please offer some thoughts.

[cheesyt]

I'm new. I'm lost. But i read your post, and went back and read some initial posts.

hopefully someone with more advice than myself comments!

good job on not taking the bait. -that's all I got

[RSG]

Brother, you're following my posts. I barely answer anything, the old lady is trying to find new ways to contact me and don't instigate anything. And I still get groaned at for talking too much lol.

I have a feeling you're going to get blasted my friend.

My advice: If you don't feel like answering a call, you don't have to tell her why. Just ignore it. If she says have a good day, stick to a word or two in response if anything. Your answer about insurance was good.

Going dim means you're showing her what it'd be like to be divorced, and to live your life like a single dad. For all intents and purposes right now that's what you are. I try to keep all communication to $$$ and scheduling. I let out something unnecessary every now and then, but I know she's VERY frustrated with everything. I don't want to be her friend, and I want her to know that. SAYING it will make her sad or angry in the moment, but if I answer her calls and shoot the bull all day she'll know I'm there.

It's hard, and you're moving forward but I'd encourage you to set a daily goal. Something like no phone calls and 2 texts responses of 4 words or less. If you hit that goal consistently then you can move to something more difficult. Now, if something comes up like your kid is sick or you have to work out who has him next week or she asks how much $$ she has to contribute to XYZ that's different.

[trumpet]

CT1118,

This could be turning a corner - or her just checking that plan B still loves her.

Your walk is the same - away from her. A bomb just went off a block from your work? I'm sorry... I hope it works out for you. You just lost a kidney? Send a card. I'm going to the absurd here, but you get my drift...

Why not try to turn towards her now? She has to feel the loss.

My ex-ww is in a MLC, if I had to put a name on it. Didn't change the divorce. Some don't want the D - they just want something... anything... but losing the marriage would be a bridge too far. Mine blew the bridge up right away.

You have done the DB'ing thing, it sounds like, to good effect. You carried the ball to get a first down... to the 10. You got 90 yards to go. Don't go for the deep crossing route yet. Keep up the 3 yards and a cloud of dust routine until you get stronger.

[lt0402]

CT, having watched RSGs situation I'd say he has it down and his advice above is spot on. You seem to be getting a lot of attention from the W and she seems to be desperately trying to reel you back into her zone of control. Keep doing what you're doing and it seems like it'll force her to realize what she's losing. Moving back into her zone of control seems like it would set you back at this point.

Some of the vets her like RSG should have more specific advice, but I'd say you're doing a great job. Keep it up brother!

[ForGump]

CT1118,

What are your goals at this point? What changes do you hope to see in your situation, in yourself, in your MLC/WW? What are some mileposts on the way to those final goals?

Seems like you had a terrific day 1 of going dim. Keep it up. I think it's important to stay gentle, warm but firm -- the point is not to push her away but to let her know you're focusing on yourself, and movin' on... (or ... something like that -- I'm new to this).

[mvgfwd2]

What you're doing is right on target. Stay the course. You are on her mind and not other places. That is where you want it to be. At this point she wants to get you back on plan B since you appear to be unavailable. Don't take the bait. Be busy, whether real or not, just don't have time for her. Keep responses to only important things as you have done. But even constant talk of important things is not good for you. Discuss it, make a decision, done, move on.

Don't forget 180's and GAL. Also, have you read sandi's 27 rules for WW's? That is your guide.

[CT1118]

My thanks to everyone with my latest question. I am not suggesting anyone is wrong here, but there are different opinions. I do want each of you to know how much I value your thoughts, support, and ideas.

That said, given what happened to me last (story coming), I think Trumpet was closest to the issue I face. I no longer believe this is just about the A for me, I believe she is in full blown MLC.

It was close to 11pm last night (I wake at 5am , so late for me and I was sleeping) when phone rings - WW. She knows my schedule, so emergency? S4?. I answer and the first thing I say "is S4 ok?" WW states he's fine and immediately begins apologizing. WW has been crying, I can hear it. WW immediately begins into statements like "There's been so many changes", "I dont know what I am doing" "I am hurting so badly and I caused all this" "There was so much damage done to me in my past (this was a reference to her childhood)", "I only seem to hurt people" - you get the point. Fortunately, I had spent my day reading about stages of MLC in women, stages of the LBS dealing with MLC, and how LBS should respond to a WW w/ an MLC. WW did not mention D (has not since early May), but did mention needing more time & space and asked me not to wait.

Without having read Trumpet's post at that time, I felt her feeling the loss. I stayed on point - no name use, no anger, no "I love you" (even when WW said it to me). I was affirming and I listened. I feel good in my gut about the way I handled it which tells me I handled it right (believe me, when I screw up and backslid, I am aware of it immediately these days). That does not mean I was happy to hear the person I care about is suffering. However, I was suffering too and I carried that, and I made a plan for it which did not involve her love, I had a ton of help - you all on the list.

I am not going to obsess over her stages. I woke up today with the same confidence and sense of direction I have had since my switch was flipped last weekend.

To answer ForGump "What are your goals at this point? What changes do you hope to see in your situation, in yourself, in your MLC/WW? What are some mileposts on the way to those final goals?"

My goals - stay on target with GAL, self awareness, and R w/ S4. Give WW space to work herself out on her own. Not to be completely available, but to listen just enough so that I have a presence (stay dim). What do I hope to see in WW, self, and sitch? - In me, I hope to see in me the strength to keep my boundaries, dignity, and respect in tact and the perseverance to stick to my goals. In sitch, ultimately, I would like to hit a better R and avoid being her friend in a buddy way, but a path towards reconciliation. I will do as Trumpet says - gentle & warm, but firm. But for now, I feel like its all where it should be - her working on her, me working on me, neither of us failing S4 in our own ways. Not to push her away, but let her know I am self-focused, again as trumpet says. In WW, she stops her A, she acknowledges her pain/issues, she realizes the road ahead is long and hard and that she can do it (I will not be forcing or pursuing any of this on her behalf, but I will validate and listen at times). Mileposts - action is the only language I speak right now - I am going to reread MWD sections on signs the WW offers and respectfully will have to get back to you on that one. WW must set her own goals, but what I wrote above about her would begin to show me some action.

mvgfwd2 "What you're doing is right on target. Stay the course. You are on her mind and not other places. That is where you want it to be." You know that's right.

Thanks everyone.

[mvgfwd2]

That is good news. I know you are aware but I will say it anyway. Be strong and not pursue her. It takes time for the fog to clear and you need to be consistent. If she wants to talk reconciliation, that may be OK but don't commit to anything.