Sorry I have been MIA for a the last few weeks. The more things change the more they stay the same. Sometimes I feel like the energy it takes to post is better spent elsewhere. I guess that can be described as progress???
Bttrfly and kml and sotto thank you for keeping up with my sitch and being wise and wonderful. Job as always you are mentor, teacher and friend. I am truly grateful to all of you and so many others for your courage, insight and support.
I will post more later but I wanted to say thank you.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Sotto Btrfly was right that you were eloquent when you wrote... always sad when something else gets added to the ever-growing pile of things to forgive.
I truly meant it when I forgave my husband for leaving but everything after was an ever-growing pile of decisions made a person who ceased to resemble a decent human being.
Btrfly - That cathartic crying and refusal to let it destroy you is such a minute by minute choice in the early days. Not having the answer wasn't the source of my pain - it was his indifference to his daughters. I too believe that is how the most damage has been done in our situation.
Dear friend I think after almost two years I'm ready to cauterize the wound.
-- Our youngest daughter was asked out on a date and her anxiety about the idea of a date caused a full blown panic attack. She took a brave step and finally agreed to talk with a counselor. When I let her father know she has an appointment he asked one word "Why?" - I lost it. As I asked how often he talked with her in almost two years he said, "I've called a couple of times but she gives me nothing" - WOW! After much prayer and a good night's sleep, I sent an email apologizing for losing my composure and giving him a better explanation -
"At this point any relationship with you or any man is going to take more courage than you can imagine for everyone. Try to really understand that you are our daughters' first love and while they may forget the words you said or the gifts you sent; they will never forget the way you made them feel.
If you ever want to ask a question, get an update or need my help I am here. I am not your mother but I am the mother of your children."
The reply I received 10 minutes later was confirming his direct deposit to my new account.
This was it - all my compassion just left my body and no longer will I let this person cause damage to me. I don't need to explain or defend them to anyone else, including our children. I won't add to the negativity but I think I have dropped the rope.
Last night I drove home after an outing with friends. Being alone in the car has been a trigger for grief and negative self talk. Last night I realized after my drive home that not one fleeting thought involved the past. It was a joyous revelation.
Grief will still reside in my soul but I think its song is merely the faintest echo of a whisper amid the joyous noise of the day at hand. That is the music I choose for my dance through life.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I think I wrote that last post while I was hopped up on caffeine and feeling a twinge of pity.
New day and feeling more settled.
This month is full of milestones hence my emotional overload.
I am so much more settled and present these days but sometimes the past sneaks up. I am trying very hard to stay in the moment and focus forward.
These days any of the negative emotions I feel are centered on how it affects our girls. I guess with graduation coming up I am more sensitive.
Thanks for letting me vent here. I am truly trying to detach and not think too much about how he has treated the girls. We don't discuss or dwell at all but I guess the rituals of these life events can be a trigger.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hey Gwen, sorry to have been away from your posts lately, like you I've been trying to stop going around in circles and figure out which direction to walk in which is not backwards!
This is such a long process isn't it, its sometimes easy to chastise oneself for not being done already, but Gwen, seriously, you were in a very long and loving relationship and you were completely blindsided by what your h has done. You have dealt with your situation amazingly well; you could have sat in a pool of misery and despair, but no, you got up and put one foot in front of the other and kept going. I am so so proud of you Gwen and so pleased to hear that you are making peace with yourself, its an odd feeling huh.
I don't know what to say about your h and the rings/church greeter sitch. There is no point guessing as that is all it is with a MLC'er. Right now, this makes sense to him and feels right to him - 6 months from now it may possibly be a different story and he will look back and think "what was I thinking??" then do something else just as bizarre and repeat the process. My h has said this to me - he did something/said something and at the time it made perfect sense to him, it did not matter if others questioned it, to him he was right ..... until he wasn't. He can't explain why he acted this way, he looks back and sees the decisions he made hurt people and this has caused him great sadness and guilt. I suspect this will eventually catch up with your h and he will feel the same way too.
Your h sounds so lost and caught up in his new world, it is so sad he had all but destroyed his relationship with your daughters, they do not deserve this, however you are doing a fantastic job raising them Gwen and your relationships will only continue to grow stronger through the years. This is what they will remember when they are older, mum, the strong women who is always there for them no matter what.
Your trip sounds so exciting!! And what a great way to fund it lol. You continue to amaze and inspire me Gwen, I am so thankful we have found ourselves on this journey together (although not that we found ourselves on this journey in the first place !!), I wish you nothing but happiness and peace in your heart, I hope you find the joy in your life that you so deserve.
Lou - Thanks for your kind words. I am also glad we are able to support each other through this trial. Your friendship is a silver lining.
H sent D a graduation card with a small amount of money. Unlike cards in the past he wrote her a personal message. It was awkwardly composed but I could tell he was actually making an effort. Unfortunately D felt like it was an empty sentiment and so did her sister. I commented that it was good he remembered her graduation and nice he added to the card. Both girls have no interest in their father. Perhaps that will change and they know I am fine with whatever they choose now or in the future.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Hit the two year mark since husband left and I find myself looking forward 90% of the time. The old saying - "time heals all wounds" has some merit but I think the idea of healing up for debate. The scars remain and they never completely heal but hopefully their existence will be less defining in my life.
Life goes on - youngest graduated and it was a day full of contradictions. I have no desire to rehash but these last few months have brought me a lot of clarity for my role in unhealthy patterns and how my FOO contributed both in positive and negative ways. I have been owning and changing things so moving forward I will not repeat unhealthy behaviors and will learn to practice better relationship skills while remaining independent. I am trying to be politically correct but in the end I am going to remain open minded to new experiences but MLC has made me hesitant to trust again. It is the reality right now and that may never change but maybe it will...
Anyway right after graduation we got to take our extended trip abroad. It was wonderful in every way and absolutely the best RX. A complete success for the girls and for me both personally and as a family.
Returned to enjoy a nice summer before both girls head to university. Oldest leaves next week and youngest leaves in three weeks. Lots of changes but determined to continue to move forward in a positive light.
I guess I have dropped the rope. I keep up on the board from time to time. I read about your heartache and triumphs. I find myself feeling physically ill when I read a new post from someone just trying to understand MLC and trying everything to connect with their spouse. I am comforted by the posts of wise people who comfort and guide and support each other. I cheer at my kitchen table when I read a post from someone that got through the day without crying or found a new job. Each day the LBS survived and ultimately thrived is such a sweet gift.
Thank you so much for being so brave and for sharing. I think in the last two years the biggest lesson for me has been that MLC is real. Divorcebusting for the LBS is about saving yourself. MLC means standard relationship rules no longer apply and the spouse you married does not exist. Don't be fooled into thinking otherwise after BD. MWD is giving you the best advice no matter what the outcome.
I long for a day when this board is not needed but I think in the world we live in with the stress and focus on "do what makes you happy" it will be more vital than ever we support each other.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I am happy to hear your trip was fabulous. Nothing like a fantastic trip to recharge and gain perspective.
You make a great point about that adage "time heals all wound." I agree that there is some truth to that. However, like you, I think some things leave permanent scars. It certainly doesn't mean that we can't move forward and have a wonderful life. I think it just means we have changed in a way, sometimes a very profound way, and hopefully have learned in the process.
You sound like you are on a wonderful path. Enjoy your girls before they head back to college. Hugs to you!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I am so happy to hear your trip went well and you all had a good time. Its great to have time out from your home world to heal your soul.
Regarding your h sending your d a card and money for graduation - they do the most random things and you wont really ever know the reason why he choose that particular event to acknowledge; he probably does not know himself. Having a milestone come along may have been a reminder to him of his family, he may have wanted to reach out for a while and felt awkward after all the time that has passed. Whatever the reason, he created the damage and its up to him to mend it. You have done so well staying in neutral territory and allowing your daughters to decide for themselves without influence from you.
A new chapter for you Gwen, both your girls at Uni, so whats next for you? Any thoughts on what path you want to head down?
Not sure of my path. I think right now I just want to rest and think a bit. The last few years have been such an emotional roller coaster - my inclination is to be quiet and still in my heart for a bit. I have felt so beat up emotionally and right now I just feel the need to be still and listen.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
