My W and I are a same sex couple W is 31 and I’m 25. We have been together for 5 years and married since June 2013. To preface, we recently moved away from her home town for her job in December 2014. We both graduated May 2015 with our Master’s degrees so I was commuting back and forth to school an hour and a half, her classes were online. Originally when we started grad school we decided that I would stop working, she made much more than I did and my program in school was much more time intensive than hers was, we made the decision together. We moved December 2014, we moved again (bat infestation in our first house) February 2015, unemployed until late September 2015. When we moved I began to look for a job in our new town, there were better opportunities for me there because it was a much larger city than where we had previously lived, I was about to graduate with my degree and it seemed like it wouldn’t be that hard. Fast forward 9 months and I was, what I now recognize, severely depressed. I had gained a lot of weight, I couldn’t find a job, we were struggling to survive financially, it was hard just to pay for food. At the time I was in deep denial about being depressed and the more my W brought it up with me the more resistant I was. She suggested I see a counselor but my past experience with counseling had been less than stellar (my parents tried to send me to conversion therapy when I was a teenager) plus I was in DENIAL, I didn’t think I needed help. I figured if I just lost some weight and could just find a job I would feel better. So I started exercising more and eventually did find a job. And I did feel better. At that time I still didn’t recognize how depressed I had been and how low my self-esteem had been. For a while, things got better. So all of that happened between January 2015 and September 2015. Meanwhile, we also have some serious health scares. My W has always had thyroid problems but her levels got WAY wacky and she was miserable, she was always tired and it was hard to focus. In FEB 2015 she was misdiagnosed as Type 2 diabetic and put on medication to help control her blood sugar. For a while it worked. In JUN 2015 she is diagnosed with PCOs, which means it will be very hard for her to conceive a child and that’s something she has always wanted. I know this is hard for her and I talk to her about it the best I can and explain that we still have options. Yes, it might be harder for her to have a child but not impossible. She doesn’t want to talk about it and I understand why, she’s still processing so I tell her to talk to me about it when she’s ready. August 2015 she got very sick with diabetic ketoacidosis and was nearly hospitalized. September 2015 her doctor runs a blood test and confirms that she is actually Adult onset Type 1 (meaning she has antibodies that are reducing the function of her pancreas, they just developed after childhood) and she was started on insulin and was having to check her blood sugar constantly. This was around the time I found a job. In JAN 2016 we purchased our home. In FEB 2016 she was started on a 2nd type of insulin to control her blood glucose after eating. This entire time her doctors have been struggling to control her thyroid so she is still experiencing those symptoms as well. At this point she tells me she isn’t sure she wants to carry a child any longer, she is afraid that she will pass on her genetics for a child to have all of these health problems. I tell her I understand, but that doesn’t have to be a deal breaker, we can handle a child with diabetes or whatever else. And if it is a deal breaker for her we still have other options: adoption, fostering, I can carry a child. I even suggested we look into having my eggs harvested for her to carry (I didn’t know if it was possible or not but you don’t know until you ask right?). So we started looking into fostering and adopting, and she decided she wasn’t ready to deal with it. I told her that was fine, we have time, and we don’t need to rush, let me know when you’re ready. At this point I also start searching for a new job again….I was made a lot of promises when I started in September and in February my boss basically told me to “f*** off” and I was done. I did start to complain about work a lot and turned slightly negative and just was angry. About 6 weeks ago she told me she thought we should go to couple counseling because we have been having trouble communicating, I readily agreed and began the process of finding providers in our network that were accepting new patients. I talked to a few on the phone and selected one and scheduled an appointment for June 30th. Around this time she started drinking more heavily. In the meantime we had a vacation for our 3rd wedding anniversary on June 21st. We went out of a town for a few days and everything was fine. Recently we have started enjoying biking together and she wanted a new bike (originally we had just bought her a cheap one to see if it was something she really enjoyed, I already had a nice bike). For our anniversary we went bike shopping and she found the bike she loved and “had to have it” because she “loves” biking together. We also went to the zoo and some museums as these are things we both enjoy greatly. She was affectionate like she normally is and even posted something on Facebook about how special I am to her (again normal behavior). JUN 23rd – BOMB DROP she comes home from work and tells me she wants a divorce. We had argued earlier because I had FINALLY confessed that I had been depressed last summer. It took me a long time to realize it and process it for what it was and be ready to tell her. She is adamant she wants this divorce and nothing will change her mind. July 5th – I start a new job. I admit in the beginning I did all of the wrong things: I cried and begged and pleaded. And all that did was drive her farther away. She moved into the guest bedroom and began spending her weekends out of town with friends. I tried to be cool and not let on how much this was killing me. She would still do some stuff with me. We still biked together and I tried to keep conversation light and fun and not talk about our relationship at all. JULY 5th- she has a complete breakdown triggered by accidentally calling me “baby” in the car. She ends up talking on the phone to someone outside for 3 hours. I’m not normally a suspicious person I have never had trouble trusting her but something about this didn’t sit right. So I did what anyone who is not thinking rationally would do, I checked the phone bill and found out the number she was talking to was some girl she had just met over the weekend. And this girl is 19. The next day July 6th I calmly asked her who she had been talking to and she said her sister and her friend Erica, she wouldn’t look me in the eye. I very calmly said “I think you’re lying to me” and walked away. She was adamant that she was telling the truth. Which just made me more and more angry so I stopped talking to her. She finally asked me what was wrong and I told her again, “you’re lying to me” and she came clean. To this day she doesn’t think lying to me about that was a big deal. She keeps saying she came clean because she felt guilty for lying to me but I think she came clean because I called her out. That day (my second day of my new job) I get home and she’s home (which she should still be at work for an hour) and I ask her why she’s home early. She had packed up her stuff and was moving out and was literally going to do it without even a word to me. She was hoping to be gone by the time I got home from work. But since my job was new and she didn’t know my schedule she got it wrong. I tried to remain as calm as I could. We talked a little bit and she left. She didn’t know where she was going and didn’t have anywhere to stay but she was leaving. The next day July 7th I come home from work and I’m understandably upset but I try to go about my life. At 5:15 Cassie pulls into the driveway and lets herself into the house and walks into the guest room and sits down. And again I did the wrong thing and I asked her “why are you here?” obvious a fight ensues. I was mad because she LEFT me and then the next day came back home, not because she wanted to work on stuff but because she didn’t have anywhere to go. WHICH SHE KNEW WHEN SHE MOVED OUT. At this point I had been going to the counselling appointments alone. So I left the house and went to my appointment and when I came back she was gone. I felt badly about having argued with her to I tried to call her to apologize, she didn’t answer. So I left a message apologizing for arguing but not for the way that I feel. I don’t know where she went she didn’t talk to me. We didn’t see or talk to each other for a week. JULY 13th – I had asked her to come pick up one for our dogs because I was going out of town and couldn’t handle all 3 myself. She was supposed to come at 5:15 and I wasn’t going to be home. She showed up at 4:30 because she had an appointment. With all the health stuff that’s been going on with her I thought she meant doctors appointment so I asked her how it went…. She had gone to meet with a lawyer and paid a retainer and was having the divorce papers drawn up and the next week was going to sign them. I remained calm I didn’t cry, beg or plead. I said “okay, I still don’t agree with your decision but okay.” We talked a little about trying separation instead of rushing into divorce and she was listening and interested in it and then I could just see it on her face. She completely shut down and turned defensive and said no. July 18th – she texted me to ask me if she could come over the next night to talk. I said no because I have plans. So she suggested the following day, July 20th, which I agreed to. July 20th she texted me and said she couldn’t come because “something came up” and gave me this line about how now that shes commuting and changed her work schedule she doesn’t get home until late so “it’s hard to squeeze things in at night” which just made me mad because I’m not something to be “squeezed in” but I let it go. She offered to come the next night and I said okay. The next day I just had a feeling she wasn’t going to show up so I texted her and asked if she was still going to come. She responded and said no and she had just wanted to come talk to me about how she still wanted divorce and wanted me to understand that and gave me a line about how she thought we both needed as much space as possible while we heal and we could talk on the phone if I wanted.…. Which I feel like is some bullcrap but okay. All I said was okay. I’ll talk to you later. July 22nd – my sister-in-law texted me to ask me if I had threatened to hurt my W. I said no. and SIL said that my W had told her that I had threatened to hurt her. At first I was beyond angry. My W knows that about a year prior to meeting her I was in a very bad physically and emotionally abusive relationship and I spent every day of my life for months being threatened and trying to get away from that situation. I WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO MY W! We have not talked in a week. I did try to call her because I was trying to be nice and let her know which bills she is responsible for paying because I’m not going to be paying them and taking care of her when she had been treating me badly but she never returned my call. I miss her like crazy but this is not the person I married anymore. I don’t know what’s going on with her. I feel like it’s a midlife crisis probably triggered by all the health and financial difficulties that we’ve been having. She has said some terrible and untrue things to me and about me: • That I’m controlling and have controlled her every day of our entire relationship • That she’s never been happy • The “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech • At one point she said our relationship was toxic. • That I threatened her • That I don’t like her family and never want to see them
And many, many more. I never explicitly told her she couldn’t talk to me. So I wouldn’t say I’ve gone No Contact but I’m not going to initiate contact with her. I found out after the fact that the reason she wouldn’t come talk to me last week is because her lawyer suggested we don’t speak (a friend told me). Which is fine. But just tell me that’s why don’t lie to me. I started reading DR last night and am in the middle of the first step. I’ve also been coming here to read other’s stories. I know I can’t believe what she’s saying, I know she isn’t thinking clearly and right now she feels the only way out is to leave me. And with my therapist I can even understand why she feels that I’ve been controlling, when her health and so many other things in her life are so out of control it’s easy to blame me. I’m trying to not take what she says too personally and we can talk and have good conversations and then all the sudden she will shut down and get angry and start saying mean things to me. I’ve been reading on here about 180s and without even previously knowing what they were I realize that I’ve started doing some. There are things that she always used to complain about and I’ve gotten better about those things like: • How the house was messy (we have 3 dogs and one of them sheds a ton, I didn’t want to spend all my time home from work vacuuming) – I’ve gotten better about it. I now realize if I just do a quick Swiffer or vacuum the fur doesn’t seem so bad and it really only takes me a couple of minutes • The dishes – I am notorious for not loading or unloading the dishwasher. It’s probably my least favorite thing. I’ve started being better about it. As soon as I’m done eating I put my dishes away and as soon as the dishes are clean I put them away. If I have to wash anything by hand I do it immediately, the longer it sits there the less likely I am to do it. • Initiating contact – this one is recent. Since she left I feel like 90% of the time I’m reaching out to her. I’ve stopped doing that. She kept saying she wanted space and then I was saying I wanted space but every time she would call or text or ask to come by the house I would engage with her and talk to her and say “yeah sure I can talk” – I’m not going no contact but I’m not going to initiate and I’m not going to give her all the details of my life anymore. • Engaging in conflict – I’ve tried really hard recently that when we do talk we don’t fight. I try to remain calm and level headed and to talk about whatever it is without fighting. She can’t fight with me if I’m not willing to fight back. That doesn’t mean I won’t fight for our marriage but I’m not going to yell and scream at her. It won’t help. Sometimes After she leaves I’ll cry but right now crying in front of her just pushes her away. • Socializing – I am extremely introverted. I don’t tend to enjoy going out a ton and I’m not great at making new friends. I’ve started out by trying to go out on my own more often and doing things alone and with a select few close friends. I’m now getting to the point where I am starting to try to branch out and make new friends. There’s a great lesbian community in this city and they have many events each month so I’m trying to start going to more and more of those. • Negativity – the last year and a half have been hard and I’ve developed a habit of always “thinking the worst” in pretty much every situation. I’ve stopped doing that. I’ve made a serious effort to stop complaining about things that don’t matter and stop stressing out about things I can’t control and every day I try to take a few minutes and think about all of the positive things and things I have to be grateful for. And it’s helped get me out of that negative space I was in for so long. I am starting to look at things differently. EX: my weight loss. I used to think about it more as “I still have so much weight to lose” and now it’s more of a “Look at how much weight I have already lost!” If that makes sense. • Confidence – I don’t know that this one was a conscious 180 or if it’s just happened has I’ve started to understand my depression last year or if it just goes with me getting away from being so negative. I never realized how much confidence I lacked until I started to get it back. Ironically around the time she decided to leave was around the time I stopped feeling so insecure about our relationship. Even now. I know she’s gone and she says she doesn’t want to come back but I still feel pretty secure in our relationship. I still feel like our problems are things that we can overcome and even if she decides not to try at least I will feel good about myself knowing that I did try. There’s more I’m sure that I could be doing but for now that’s a start. I’ve continued to go to see the counselor that we were supposed to be seeing together, I don’t think W expected that, since last year I was so resistant to therapy I think she was even surprised I agreed in the first place and now that I’m continuing to go even though it’s without her. I’m sure she thought I would stop going once I realized she wouldn’t go with me. Anyways, my therapist has helped me realize that as much as I want to, I cannot fix this problem for her. This is something she has to figure out on her own and it might take time and it might hurt me like hell but she has to work her own way through it. Right now W is so focused on feeling like I’m her problem and if she could just get rid of me her entire life would be so much happier….and that [censored]. I’ve been trying to focus on myself and not worry about her or her health or if she’s thinking about me or if she misses me. I mean obviously I hope she does, but I also know it hasn’t been that long. She didn’t even move out a month ago and we only really stopped talking a week ago… I know it’s going to take time and patience and that she’s going through something that I can’t understand because I really don’t think she understands it herself. She met with her lawyer 8 days ago and I still have not been served divorce papers. I am trying to not feel too hopeful about that. Maybe they just haven’t gotten around to getting them to me? But part of me hopes maybe she decided to delay at least for a little while….but I doubt it.
Sorry for the novel… I just felt like I had to get it all out there.
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
That's why I'm here! It's so counterintuitive for me to let her just walk away instead of trying to get her to stay.
And I have tons of doubts that I have to talk myself out of on a daily basis.
Luckily have a couple really good friends, one who is in a similar situation to me so we are trying to help each other stay positive and another who even though she doesn't agree with me she's 100% supportive and doesn't try to talk me out of it.
I just don't even know if I'm doing the right things...
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry that you are here maybeep but it sounds like you are embracing the changes that you feel you need to make for your own wellbeing and that's the most important thing at the moment. X
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thanks Cadet. I haven't mentioned to W that I have started reading DR book. I don't have to worry too much about the computer we each have our own laptops.
Plus it would be pretty difficult for her to see either of these things seeing as she has moved out. However, I will keep them out of site since she does occasionally stop by while I'm at work to pick up her mail.
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
Sometimes it is hard to know if you are doing things right. Focusing all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Maybeep is a full time job.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Update: I have made it an entire week without initiating contact with W!
I feel proud of myself and also super sad at the same time. I miss her like crazy but this is what I need right now.
W:32 M:26 T:5 yrs M: 3 yr BD: JUN 2016 W Moved out: early JUL 2016 W Filed for D: mid JUL 2016 EA: 06/16? PA: 07/16 Moved in w/ ow: 07/16 D final: 10/16
