ok, she has reached a whole new level of hate, resentment and disorientation to reality when it comes to me. I regret things that I said and did over those two or three days, but I've risen up from the ashes, dusted myself off and am standing as the man I want to be. I really feel bad for her, feeling the loss of my family is really hitting her hard, but I'm not getting drawn in anymore. I'm just validating, I'm done with thinking I have to convince her of reality, she's still trying to make me believe there is nothing going on..
I mentioned taking my son to her Moms for vacation and she's worried that we will just be sitting around bad mouthing her in front of son, I just told her that I understand why she would be concerned about that, and that the last thing I would want is for son to resent his mom. I told her that I just want to spend time with son enjoying the mountains, his grandparents company, and giving him a summer vacation with his dad for him to remember fondly, since he only has this summer and next before going away to school. That the last thing I would want to do on this vacation is dredge up our R and the pending D.
I also told her that I've let go, that I'm not verifying, checking up, or trying to control her in anyway. I feel great now that I've let go, and that her thinking I'm still doing those things is a form of me trying to control her, I told her that we are still M and I would hope that she would respect that, but that's her own decision to make and up to her.
The only thing that bothers me now is her anger towards me whenever we communicate, it makes it really hard to discuss logistics and son when she's always spewing, but I will just worry about my words and actions.. I'm feeling much better, I'm happy for the most part and really enjoying my life that I got back.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
My XWW spewed all the time. They can't believe that we don't want them anymore - look at how awesome they are, how can anyone not want them.
DB is about being the best you and that best you does not need a spewing WW. Hopefully one day she'll stop spewing and may want back in. Until then, DO YOU.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
The easiest way to put out that fire is simply not to throw any more logs on.
XW was super nasty at many times, crazy town. But for 20 months now or so I have given her nothing to react to. Sure, she can be upset about how things are working out, or who I am as a person, or how I do something with the kids, or whatever she wants. But the point is I don't react to it, I just respond to what demands a response with a couple of sentences, she's playing the game by herself. It's hard to keep an argument going when no one is arguing back, at least for more than a year or so
Also I've shared this before, I got a DB coach, a lawyer, and an IC. I consulted them before making any major changes, be they legal, financial, whatever. I never reacted emotionally, everything I did was thought out, balanced, and endorsed by my team of professionals. It made it very easy for me, whenever XW spewed about something I could just laugh to myself because it almost wasn't me doing it, it was a board of directors with decades of experience advising me. Not that I'd tell her that, see last paragraph. No, I'd just let her spew and do my thing.
Anyway, I said it best in the beginning. Distance, detachment, and absolutely no emotional reactions or games and eventually the fire dies out. You won't get to be the good guy in her eyes or in her circle of friends, you won't save your marriage, you won't get any apologies...but you won't have to deal with a crazy ex and your kids will have a better life.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
The easiest way to put out that fire is simply not to throw any more logs on.
Also I've shared this before, I got a DB coach, a lawyer, and an IC. I consulted them before making any major changes, be they legal, financial, whatever. I never reacted emotionally, everything I did was thought out, balanced, and endorsed by my team of professionals. It made it very easy for me, whenever XW spewed about something I could just laugh to myself because it almost wasn't me doing it, it was a board of directors with decades of experience advising me. Not that I'd tell her that, see last paragraph. No, I'd just let her spew and do my thing.
This is golden advise for all LBS reading it. Print it. Study it Ingrain it in your mind, heart and actions.
This is how you do it. Plain Simple Golden instructions for handling the anger.
Zues, my man, I love what you share. A very wise man you are.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
You are in my prayers man. Take a few moments for yourself Be kind and gentle with yourself in these sad moments as it can be easy to fall into a state of rumination. Check out the emotional 1st aid Ted Talk by Guy Winch as it is one that helps me remember the work needed to heal.
You have been running on high octane adrenaline driven emotions for a bit. The withdrawal can be a little painful. But you can strengthen yourself in this state.
Be well today and may you create some moments of peace and calm for yourself.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hey coconut, i'm also not having a great day, but the glass should always be full...
Lost my family - you might find more happiness? Found Health Issues - you might live a healthier lifestyle? Will not get to live with my Son - you can still share your love with him, even if it's for a shorter time Will live in a empty house - You might find peace in your own space, like doodler. I also will have a big 3 bedroom place to myself, thinking of getting a pool/snooker table for the spare room May lose my dogs - you will learn to love new dogs? You're not John Wick Retirement won't be as comfortable - You can't look that far ahead!!!!
OK, so focus on right now, find the silver lining in your cloud right now, it's not Armageddon!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
so shared the above posting via text to W, not sure why exactly, but I guess to get a response or maybe to guilt her, but ehh.. Her response:
I'm sorry. Whether you believe it or not or care, this has been very difficult for me as well. I've been very angry & it has stopped me from processing some of what's happening. Last night when you told me that you are moving out of state, it hit me pretty hard.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Hey coconut, i'm also not having a great day, but the glass should always be full...
Lost my family - you might find more happiness? Found Health Issues - you might live a healthier lifestyle? Will not get to live with my Son - you can still share your love with him, even if it's for a shorter time Will live in a empty house - You might find peace in your own space, like doodler. I also will have a big 3 bedroom place to myself, thinking of getting a pool/snooker table for the spare room May lose my dogs - you will learn to love new dogs? You're not John Wick Retirement won't be as comfortable - You can't look that far ahead!!!!
OK, so focus on right now, find the silver lining in your cloud right now, it's not Armageddon!
I realize it isn't / wont be that bad, I was just documenting my mood swing and my feelings of loss...
These came from feeling down in the dumps, I understand your responses but they are not how I feel most of the time, even now, just a few hours later I am feeling much better.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
