I see it as a one time event and not an ongoing thing. I believe it is a wake up call that it is time to make some changes and not take each other for granted.
I have to say, I don't agree.
To my way of thinking, DBing (or much of it) is not really appropriate to this situation. These are young unmarried people without kids. The whole POINT of dating is to take your time to get to know someone to see if they are marriage material.
She has shown him she is NOT marriage material, at least not at this point in her life. And this IS a character issue - not just to have a drunken one night stand, but to cheat on him with his best friend???
And frankly, if your son had her call you as part of her "punishment" - he's nowhere near mature enough to be in a marriage either.
I ignored the red flags about my husband, and when he cheated on me in the first year of marriage, but it down to a one-time mistake and we reconciled. But really it was a HUGE red flag about his character, and the children that I later had with him paid the price when our marriage broke up many years later over his cheating. They were 17-22 at the time we split, and 7 years later they still have mental health issues related to the divorce.
If it were my son, I would advise they split and see other people. If they're "meant to be" they can get back together in 5 years when they've both matured. But it would be a mistake to accept cheating this early in a relationship, and like I said, it says something important about her character that he should not ignore.
I have got to say, I agree with Ellie. DBing is for M's. Dating is for figuring out who is "suitable" for a life long M.
Like Ellie, I wish I would have listened to all the red flags. my ex cheated on me a few times while dating, but he talked himself out of being guilty on "technicalities".
And ellie brings of the excellent point of this not being a "mistake" she cheated with his best friend!
He is so young and still has a life to explore ahead of him. He needs to get out there and not start a life together with a woman who would cheat with his best friend.It's not a good foot to start off on. If they are meant to be together, they will both take some time, grow, and find each other.
Sorry, I was off celebrating my birthday. I needed a little change of focus. I have taken the stance of being here if he needs me, I am not telling him what to do but I did stress not just making any decision at the moment. Step back, calm down and clear your head.
I have given him lots of advice over the years but at the end of the day, this is going to be his choice. He knows what I went through obviously but this is different and I get that.
I am here to be his rock, his stability and to give my .02 when asked for. All I want for all of my kids is their happiness. I can help him work through it, but at the end of the day, it isn't my storm or my fight.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Honestly that is the best you can do. because I remember, not matter what my dad said, if I wasn't ready to leave him when we were dating, I wasn't going to.
I think we are just saying, don't convince him to work it out and grab the DB books and teach him how to DB. And it seems as if you are doing what's best, which is being there for him no matter what.
I did see they are living together. Which isn't married. no kids. 23 with a whole life and family to build. I have no doubts that you will support and guide and him. You are a great mom.
I agree. Living together is not married. Just because you have the entanglement of a lease is not a reason to stay.
Frankly, I wonder, if I hadn't been living with my ex when I was dating, and financially needed him to share the rent, would I have paid more attention to those red flags??
This last counseling visit the girls had, the counselor mentioned to both of them about saying something to their Dad about his weekends. He has made them go, even though they haven't wanted to for years. D17 will be 18 in November and D16 just had her birthday.
I believe here in KS they let you decide at 14 who you want to live with. They are with me the majority of the time. They told him in front of me..Yikes!! that they didn't want to go spend weekends anymore. I said that they still should do things with their Dad on his weekends and call him and email him and set up things to do. Ex was kind about it but has been emailing me how hurt he is.
Really I keep stepping back. I am empathetic and I don't need dragged in feeling bad for him. He does want to go and talk with the counselor. He doesn't want to accept that the girls aren't comfortable at his house (or even that they don't like his wife, his affair partner if you recall)
Seems to me that he is still making this about him instead of wanting the girls to get better from their anxiety and depression.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Ex sent me an email today that he isn't done with the girls spending the weekend, he is working himself up into a frenzy. I did respond and let him know that the girls seemed more relaxed this weekend and that D17 seems ready to jump into the work area soon. Also mentioned that I thought the girls should reach out to their Dad to plan things. We will see how that goes.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
D17 had a majorly bad night with her Dad last night. He kept telling her how rude she was being, try to eat something, and on and on. I told them that when she goes to a dark place it is best to let her be, not to keep peppering her with questions. She doesn't always know what sets it off, but you have to let her work herself out of it.
He keeps turning this in to something about him, when in reality it is about her. Both girls will be adding meds to their therapy in a couple of weeks. Hopefully that will take a bit of the edge off on their end and they can cope with the more immediate issues.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
OH my gosh, it has been forever hasn't it?? NO bad news to report but those not following me on the alt...I am going to be a Nana again in the Spring!! Another girl due the 1st of June. We just lost a close Family friend on Monday and found out about the baby on Tuesday.
Needed this good news. Baby looks healthy so we are crossing our fingers that everything goes well.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
