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Sara, both you and H are working on this. Keep on keeping on.

I would have given multiple body parts for the x to be doing and saying a fraction of what your H has done and said.

The feelings follow the actions. To feel in love, both of you need to fill up each other's love tanks and wait for it to work. There seems to be a min anount to meet before you can feel the love again.


(((Supersara)))


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Love your talk with your WH. You are in a great spot.

It sounds like your WH has some immense emotional growth ahead of him, no matter what, with you or without you. If he chooses OW, his growth won't happen until after it flames out, and he loses you.

Realize you'll have to cycle back through some hurt and anger to get back to where you were in your discussion. I think the worst is past you.

I am impressed and proud of you. Your WH is is really p&*ping the bed on this one. You'll need to continue to express your emotions to someone - the emotional venting needs to continue, maybe in reduced frequency...


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
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PsySara Offline OP
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Jim,
I am trying to keep to the loving detachment but it cna be challenging sometimes.

JksD,
While I am happy that WH is saying some of these things, he also said a lot of similar things before he broke NC again in January and then resumed the affair in April. I am now keeping a wall up until the test of time happens. I feel I will be able to relax a lot more when he moves down here. Until then there is still the substantial risk of OW slithering back into the scene and replaying this nightmare all over again. As far as the "in love" thing, I have always loved him even when I didn't like him. I expected marriage to ebb and flow, for the love to rise and fall. I especially expected the challenges of splitting time between small children and the marriage. WH has always wanted lots of children but resented the time babies take. I wanted to stop at 2 children but he begged for a third and well, we see how that worked out, huh? Frankly I think it shows some immaturity to expect the "in love" feeling all the time. I used to ask for date nights just for the two of us and he acted p*ssed that I was asking for time away from the kids. So I am just sitting back and doing my 180, putting out a warm, loving vibe and humming along. If he falls in love with me, good, but I am not going to twist myself into a pretzel so I can satisfy an ever changing fantasy he has in his brain. Love is deeper than that. I think he will come around.

Trumpet,
The anger and resentment are a huge obstacle for me. I spend a large chunk of my day wrestling with my rage and resentment. A while back my DB coach asked to visualize what forgiveness looks like. I think forgiveness is when I can finally let go of this rage and hurt. I just struggle with concrete ways of doing that. I use imagery, distraction, serial multiplication....anything to rip my brain from ruminations. I've watched Ted talks and read books and still I am stuck on this. I hate this because it's basically a poison to my soul and gains me nothing. I pray so hard to heal from this and just...let go. But it feels like a piece of cotton stuck in my throat and no matter how much I try to swallow it, I gag on it. And I know once I figure out how to forgive him it will be as an anchor is cut free and I can stop sinking. Until then I continue to barely keep my head above water.

WH comes home tomorrow and I plan to order his comfort food from a local restaurant and bring it home after work. He loves food and I jokingly call it his love language. His sister plans to come visit for the second week of August which is...sigh...okay. She and I are VERY different creatures and I think it will be very challenging to host her and her kids while WH and I are trying to piece. He only visits about 1 week out of the month now and this will cramp us during this time.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Are you still chatting with a DB coach?
You are in a great place and sounds to be doing well, and with a little coaching from the outside that has to be a helpful.

You keep being sassy and keep control of those swirling emotions and you will experience great success. You are marching on the road that many envy. Keep wrestling with the anger and resentment. That means you are still fighting. You will prevail as you put forth the effort.

Why do I still see "Sad" in your screen name?


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Way to go, Sara! Your H has lots of catching up to do! I hope he doesn't stop trying to keep running after you because you're too good a prize to lose!


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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It's good that see how well you are doing. Your h sounds like a very confused man. I pray he realises what he has before he truly blows it!


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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Drive by hug for SuperSara
(((SuperSara)))

I hope your week is going well and you are still strutten that sassy sass around.


Me 46 Former W 46
D19 D7
BD Feb 2016
WAW moves out 4/16/16
D final 6/1/2017

It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
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Hi Sara,

Hope your week is going well. Just checking in and praying to hear positive things from you!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Hope you're well, sassy sara


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Sorry I've been so neglectful updating, I have a small window of time to post (crazy busy this week)

WH has been here all week and mostly we've been working on getting finances squared away as well as I bought a new car (Squee!) on Wednesday. WH did the negotiating as he is a shark at this and got the dealership to knock 6K off the price. He is very good at this type of stuff as he researches it before entering the the dealership. He also paid the down payment and this decreased my monthly payment sharply.

Work has been extremely busy and by the time I get home I barely have energy to get the kids sorted for bed and then collapse into bed. This was week was actually very good until about 1 hour ago. We even had a date night (kid free) for the first time in years. We went to a nice restaurant, afterward we walked by the river and watched a bit of an outdoor concert. WE drove home and ML, we then went out for a drive at the beach, came home at 1 am and went to sleep. This morning we went out for breakfast and during this time a previous collegue texted him and mentioned a residency in MI (very far away) and that he could get him in. Suddenly WH gets excited and starts to talk about doing another residency in MI and how this would be great. My face just fell. This would mean him living away for 3 years, only coming to visit about 2 weekends a month and of course, the same stressors that led to the affair in the first place.

Of course I could not hide my emotions and we got into an argument which resulted in him telling me I was not wanting him to be happy, that he is not content with just me and the family, that I am being inflexible and controlling. I kind of just lost it. I told him I felt that he still didn't "get it" that he was saying the right things but when it came to actions and plans he was still repeating the past mistakes. It didn't amount to anything constructive and now he's out on the back patio with the kids and I am inside with the baby while he naps. I am so very, very, very tired of this. I really am just ready to move on with my life...like...just move on without him. If he still is putting his desires and impulses before his family's welfare then I think I need to take action to protect myself and my children.

I am not filing for divorce this evening but I think it's time I start planning my future decisions without him in it. He is still a WH and WAS.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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