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Hi

I have been going through a difficult time with my stbx changing her attitude towards me on almost a weekly basis. We separated 7 months ago and up until recently, I moved out of the home and into a room in a house. Now that I have a new high paying job, have moved into a luxury apartment and have kept my course in doing a 180, she says that she misses me and feels that I have really changed as a person for the better. She thinks I am a great father to our kids but then says that she doesn't want to get back together but looks at me with loving eyes.
I had almost given up on her and have been setting myself up to hopefully meet someone new when we divorce but her changing moods confuse me. She seems to want to have the arrangement that the kids come to stay with me at weekends but then enjoys going out with us all as a family and helps me choose furniture and takes deliveries for me. She even comes over to watch a film with me and cook me a meal...all very strange from someone that wanted me out of her life. She asks me where I am going and with whom and is generally interested in me.
I just don't get it. She filed for divorce 7 months ago and seemed to be adamant that we both had to move on. I, to an extent have but her life is the same and has no intention of dating anyone and just wants be a good mom.
Should I see this a positive step to reconciliation? How should I approach all this?


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Originally Posted By: excile101
Should I see this a positive step to reconciliation?
How should I approach all this?

Although on the surface - yes it sounds positive,
it also could be her desire to keep you around as plan B.

I have merged this in with your other threads.

Did she have an OM?
I have to go back to re-read.

Its also possible that their is some deeper things going on with her.

She may be feeling your detachment and as you slip away it scares her into trying to reel you back in.


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Hi Cadet

There is no OM involved as far as I am aware. Her life is very simple. She doesn't go out and just looks after the kids and goes to work. She is however, a planner. I also think that she enjoys things the way they are. We live separately but meet up to have family time and I am around if she needs help or just someone to chat to. If I move on, all this would stop so I wonder if she has to suffer some losses to really appreciate what she had.

The only way she could reel me back in would be to stop the divorce and agree to work on the marriage. So far, nothing has changed for her. She still lives in the house and I still pay the mortgage and give her money for the children. I am still around and there is no threat from anyone else. She has the best of both worlds. She has mentioned that she no longer wants a sexual relationship with a man again which I find hard to believe but she seems content with being on her own.

Any strategies here would be of great help.


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Exile, can you not post more often? I think it would really help in getting you more responses.

Quote:
There is no OM involved as far as I am aware. Her life is very simple. She doesn't go out and just looks after the kids and goes to work. She is however, a planner. I also think that she enjoys things the way they are. We live separately but meet up to have family time and I am around if she needs help or just someone to chat to. If I move on, all this would stop so I wonder if she has to suffer some losses to really appreciate what she had.


You think?

Quote:
The only way she could reel me back in would be to stop the divorce and agree to work on the marriage.


Reel you in? She's had you since the get-go.

Quote:
. So far, nothing has changed for her. She still lives in the house and I still pay the mortgage and give her money for the children. I am still around and there is no threat from anyone else. She has the best of both worlds. She has mentioned that she no longer wants a sexual relationship with a man again which I find hard to believe but she seems content with being on her own.


I could use your situation as a model illustration of what I have tried to get LBH'S to see.
You gave the remedy yourself, but fail to see it, so I will show it again. "So far, nothing has changed for her". .

She has lost nothing except sexual intimacy with you..........and she doesn't consider that a loss, b/c she doesn't want it. So, open your eyes and see how she has the perfect setup. Perfect for her, that is. Why would she want to change anything when it's just the way she likes it now?


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I second Sandi's writings...

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Sure Sandi2, I'll try and post more. I have just been trying to block it all out to be honest. I have thrown myself into my work.

I feel so frustrated by the whole situation I don't know what I should next. I am setting myself in my rented home and think about other things. I see the kids regularly on agreed days but have minimal face to face contact with my W except on days I see the girls. My W is happy to hug me, chat and spend time at my new place but then leaves until she sends me photos of the girls or asks how I am. Jeez..she even takes deliveries for me when I am at work as I leave her the key. It has become more of a brother/sister relationship where she tells me that she cares about me thinks of me fondly!

She asks me if I have had any visitors and takes more of an interest in my life and where I may be. It's all very civilised and pleasant apart from the problem that it is all tearing me apart as I just don't know what she really wants.

I feel so conflicted. One minute I am wondering if I should just go and find someone else and then I feel guilty because my W may want to reconcile and I don't want to let the girls down and change the arrangements which are keeping some kind of "normality" for the kids. My hands are tied.

It feels like there needs to be a serious shake up to change the dynamics here. The problem is I'm worried that I'll jeopardise any hopes for the future or upset the children. I also have no idea as to what to next.


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She wants to keep you on the back burner, a plan B so to speak. You know what she means when she asks if you had any visitors over, don't you?

It is as she does not want you, but does not anyone else to have you either.

You were right in stating that it is tearing you inside. Do not worry that what is she is trying to reconcile. She is not, not yet anywayz... And do not go out hunting for other women of the opposite sex, because you are not ready yet, not by a long shot. Just focus on yourself and learn to be happy by yourself and learn to love yourself again. Contrary to what you've been told your whole life, YOU are the most important person in your own life and you take the least care of yourself. Go out, go hiking, do sports, be the best dad in the world. Focus 100% on the kids when they are with you.

Let your W go do her stuff and basically start listening to your gut feeling. I personally would not allow the hugs, as I am sure you are aware the hugs are as in a friend and not a lover. I do not want to be friends with the X, do you? How can you be friends with someone who treats you like that? I can't but that's just me. Sure you could be thinking that friendship is the way back to your W's heart, but I disagree...

Put your fears of the future on hold ,the fear is paralyzing you from moving forward. You do not have to move on from your W, but you do have to move forward.

Stay strong buddy...

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Quote:
In 2010 we separated for a year and she had two affairs. The first happened after a month of me moving out. She continued to flirt online and like men to give her attention.


Remember this ^^^^^^? I don't think it's all about your porn addiction. That gal has some addictions, herself. Was she into chat rooms, online dating sites, etc.? I would be willing to bet a month's salary you don't know half of what she does under the category of flirting and getting men's attention.

Your porn probably paid a big part in the breakdown of the MR, but I don't think it is the only reason.....or maybe even the true reason....for her wanting a S/D.


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sandi2
My w has always had a secretive side to her. She always kept her social media sites private from me but I did have access to her facebook account until she changed the password when we separated. Men have always flirted with her via messages but nothing ever happened. It was like an easy way to get attention without any confrontation or pressure to act out.
If I ever found something and confronted her, she would become very angry as if she was found out.

I don't think she is seeing anyone else. There is no plan A. She knows that with two young children it would be almost impossible to sustain a relationship and would alienate me, which she relies on too much.

She is very introverted as a person. Very reserved and would rather text that pick up the phone. She is a planner, very organised and rarely spontaneous. She is a control freak. Still tells me how to parent the kids and likes to know what I'm doing. Although, she likes her own company until she needs me or has no plans of her own so likes to tag along with me and the girls.

My W has said that the porn was not really the main reason for the D and it was more to do with me not meeting her needs and the problems I had with my D8. She says she likes the person I have become but doesn't want to get back with me.


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So, what is your goal?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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