IMHO, I don't think they act badly (sour looks, etc.) b/c they are caught off guard by validation from the H. The WW is very angry at the LBH. Remember the resentment and disrespect? She blames him for everything, and whether it is correct or not, does not matter to her. She's mad and he's her target.
I believe a woman can be hurt, sad, or depressed.....and she would not resent validation from her H. Even a few WW's may be surprised (or caught off guard) by validation....but it doesn't evoke bad behavior/attitude. But when she has that horrible, hateful mindset that Jim's W has had toward him.....I think they can even resent the H trying to validate her. You would think everybody wants validation, right? Wrong! If she is filled with hatred for her LBH, is jealous of his time with the kids, and a zillion other things she can find.....she doesn't want to hear him saying anything that you might consider validating. She takes it the wrong way, and some think the H is mocking her, or insinuating something else, etc.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Is there a thread with links to useful TedTalks, etc? If not - should we start one? Maybe we could have a repository of ideas, etc for those who are looking for inspiration, ideas, etc.
I know I would not know where to begin when looking for something motivational to get me out of my funk.
If you have reccos for TedTalks, books to read, other online resources, etc. I know we'd have to be careful not to promote competitors on this site - but sometimes you can learn a few things from those who are in the same space.
We're not supposed to post links to other sites here.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
IMHO, I don't think they act badly (sour looks, etc.) b/c they are caught off guard by validation from the H. The WW is very angry at the LBH. Remember the resentment and disrespect? She blames him for everything, and whether it is correct or not, does not matter to her. She's mad and he's her target.
I believe a woman can be hurt, sad, or depressed.....and she would not resent validation from her H. Even a few WW's may be surprised (or caught off guard) by validation....but it doesn't evoke bad behavior/attitude. But when she has that horrible, hateful mindset that Jim's W has had toward him.....I think they can even resent the H trying to validate her. You would think everybody wants validation, right? Wrong! If she is filled with hatred for her LBH, is jealous of his time with the kids, and a zillion other things she can find.....she doesn't want to hear him saying anything that you might consider validating. She takes it the wrong way, and some think the H is mocking her, or insinuating something else, etc.
This makes a lot of sense sandi2. It really does. That may be why I have stopped trying to do what I think she wants and focus on doing what is right based on sound principles. In this mindset it is a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. Jim, this is why I encourage you to stay focused on making decisions that are good for you and your sons and pay her no mind.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I can't begin to know how many posts I read where the LBH will sort of throw into the mix that he validated her and then......etc. & etc. However, few H's actually tell what they said to the WW. Therefore, it is kind of difficult to really see how it could have sounded to her.
I believe situations vary, and the timing makes a lot of difference, too. I think at some point, when she gets off her rampage.......the timing will be better. If she is filled with bitterness and hate toward her H.......and he starts saying things he believes are statements of validation.........she can see it as him kissing up, mocking, or whatever....(if her H had never been one who would validate her in the past, and now, he's pouring it on). If they are in the process of divorcing and he starts with the words of validation, she could become very suspicious and wonder what he's planning. I think the best way to validate in a case like this, would to look at them when they speak......and nod your head that you hear them. Of course, be careful that you don't nod your head at the wrong time and she thinks you are agreeing with something she wants. . (Oh, you poor souls!)
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I love the way you post the truth people need to hear. When I first showed up here 6 months ago I didn't take the hard advice as I should have.
Now things have changed and my W told me about the OM I follow your posts more than any other, even though they are the hardest tactics to follow which is why so many of us LBS struggle to stick with them.
I can now see so clearly that I have been a doormat and my W got everything she wanted from me and had no reason to want me back. Now she will have to feel the loss that I have felt for 6 months.
Thanks for your posts Sandi, keeping me from being the weak doormat that I was.
ME- 31 W-25 T-5 M-3 D2 ILYBNILWY and moved out - FEB16 W seeing someone else - JUL16
Start with Breen Brown, Jane Mcgonigal and her twin sister Kelly, try Amy Cuddy.
Go the whole hog and select psychology and then random picks.
Most smart tvs have the Ted Talks app.
Jane on games theory is great.
None of this is really about marriage and Rs but about becoming the best you can be.
Learn about ACE scores and childhood trauma, about post traumatic growth and then move on to how the brain works, nutrition and connection.
With over 2500 hrs of talks there is so much to learn. You need never watch TV again. Feed your mind and uplift your soul.
Grow because once you know you can never ever unknow.
I watch 10hrs of Ted a week every week and I read for an hour a day.
In case anyone asks I have read DR once a month since October 2014. On the basis we retain about 8% of what we read, I read and read again. So I watch and watch again.
I am growing up and very soon they will give me my big girl panto.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks for the suggestions. I know many of us will benefit from your list. Saturday, I have a 2.5 hour car ride on my own. I'll look for podcasts etc that could be appropriate.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
IMHO, I don't think they act badly (sour looks, etc.) b/c they are caught off guard by validation from the H. The WW is very angry at the LBH. Remember the resentment and disrespect? She blames him for everything, and whether it is correct or not, does not matter to her. She's mad and he's her target.
I believe a woman can be hurt, sad, or depressed.....and she would not resent validation from her H. Even a few WW's may be surprised (or caught off guard) by validation....but it doesn't evoke bad behavior/attitude. But when she has that horrible, hateful mindset that Jim's W has had toward him.....I think they can even resent the H trying to validate her. You would think everybody wants validation, right? Wrong! If she is filled with hatred for her LBH, is jealous of his time with the kids, and a zillion other things she can find.....she doesn't want to hear him saying anything that you might consider validating. She takes it the wrong way, and some think the H is mocking her, or insinuating something else, etc.
Sandi,
How do I turn this around into something more positive?
Both of us are still in the waiting period now. Custody has not been finalized so we both are in limbo. When I call to talk to the boys she does not even pick up the phone to say hello.
Does this anger ever go away? The only way I know to get her to change is to cater to her every need and we all know that is not going to happen.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
How do I turn this around into something more positive
You stay focused on you. You study DB/DR like no other. Have you been working with a DB coach? You discontinue going down cheeseless tunnels trying to do things with an expectation that she will react in a manner that you want her to do.
You can't control that she won't pick up the phone to say hello. But you can control how you react to it. I would encourage you to get your nose back Ito the DB books, cadets homework and other things to help you become a better you. Many have encouraged you at length to keep your focus off of her and keep it squarely on you and your boys.
Originally Posted By: JimKao
Does this anger ever go away? The only way I know to get her to change is to cater to her every need and we all know that is not going to happen.
Are you saying that catering to her is how you get her to change? Can you see how this sounds?
JK, I am praying for you my friend. And I sound like a broken record, but stay in your lane. Stay focused on you. Try harder to not worry about her. It's her circus. Leave it be.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
How do I turn this around into something more positive?
Both of us are still in the waiting period now. Custody has not been finalized so we both are in limbo. When I call to talk to the boys she does not even pick up the phone to say hello.
Does this anger ever go away? The only way I know to get her to change is to cater to her every need and we all know that is not going to happen.
I agree with SH, you turn this into something positive by focusing on yourself.
When you call and she doesn't answer, you document it and try again later. Personally, I don't think there should be daily phone calls. I think they make it harder for the children to adapt to the transitions. However, if a child wants to call the other parent and expresses this, I would certainly allow it.
I can't say if the anger will ever go away. This isn't something we/you can change. That's why SH is advising you to focus on what you can change/control... yourself.
. (Oh, you poor souls!)