It all sounds like good advice, but still hard to deal with. The messages are some I stumble across while searching for other things, but you are right. She became an alien.
No, the kids do not work. My son stole a large sum of cash from me last summer and has done nothing to pay it back. He says he is trying to look for a job, but it has been 10 months and he could have had it all paid back by now and saving for himself. He was the most innocent child and the last person anyone would have ever suspected to do something like that. He said he did it because I started yelling a lot and he was upset. Even ex- w doesn't believe that. I believe it is related to the separation and divorce. He will be 18 in Dec. Says he can't find a job, but I don't think he is looking as hard as he thinks he is.
The tough love thing is hard and I just have someone else the same advice. I don't know if they will ever respect me or how hard I work because mom doesnt wprk and her family supports her actions and ecpectsvi should just pay her support forever while she does nothing.
My last attorney did not do that good a job, but this new attorney says "I'm an a**hole and I've dealt with people like her for 28 years." We shall see.
The kids don't understand that I only standing up for myself and am in this position because SHE used me. I hope some day they get it, but if they do, it'll be a long time.
Yeah, it will be a long time. And if you do decide to do the tough love approach, they will hate you and call you all sort of names. But they do have to get their $hit together and start moving. So, even if they hate you for it, I think it is the only way. What if you got hit by a bus, how would they start living and fending for themselves? If they do not go to school, they start earning money. They have no idea that money does not grow on trees. They have no silly notions that silly things like rent and groceries have to be paid. Telephone bill just does not takes care of itself, neither does electric bill, gas, heating and/or insurance.
So I would start by announcing to the older children that since they do not work or go to school, they will have to start paying rent (let's say 100$ a month), also their phone bills and their shopping are their problems. They have a car? Lovely, insurance, gas and repairs are on them to take care of. They will be furious, but in the end they will thank you. The poor baby can't get work? Tough $hit, is he expecting to be Google CEO? I am sure Wallmarts needs bag boys, I am sure there is a McDonalds in your neck of the woods, flipping burgers for a couple of months will give him a whole new take on the world.
So what if they refuse to pay rent? Not a problem, they can move out on their own and start living. You are doing your kids no favors by shielding them from the world. The kids need to respect you first and love you later. There can be no love without respect first. Right now you are just a walking wallet and a punching bag. If they see your W not having any respect for you, they think they can do the same.
I would not do any dramatic talks with them, just a simple announciation would do. No explanations, no dramas, no crying, no begging, no pleading. I would say that you love them to death, but this is what needs to happen and start making it happen. I've had at least a part time job since I was 14 and it has taught me some important lessons.
And if you are honest to yourself, you are suffering like a dog with all the disrespect being dished out on daily basis. As if your W's actions are not bad enough. So you got to grow a new set of balls just for you. If you do not think you are worthy of respect and love, no one else will think either. Please do not think I am making fun of you or taunting you. I too am growing a new pair, big brass ones.
What if you got hit by a bus, how would they start living and fending for themselves?
ExW's parents would probably take them in and coddle them like they do their own daughter. I have a SGLI policy through the military reserve. After the separation, I took my ex off it and removed all the kids from it too. I listed my sister as next of kin. She will do the right thing should something ever happen. My oldest is 25 and married. She was the same way, but moved out at 18 and moved out of state. She stumbled a little, but she got her head out of her a$$ and is now a supervisor with a major company. She grew up fast because she learned how to make it on her own. I wouldn't mind her having it, but she is a little gullible and exw keeps telling everyone these sob stories that she has no money and is poor.
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So I would start by announcing to the older children that since they do not work or go to school, they will have to start paying rent (let's say 100$ a month), also their phone bills and their shopping are their problems. They have a car? Lovely, insurance, gas and repairs are on them to take care of. They will be furious, but in the end they will thank you. The poor baby can't get work? Tough $hit, is he expecting to be Google CEO? I am sure Wallmarts needs bag boys, I am sure there is a McDonalds in your neck of the woods, flipping burgers for a couple of months will give him a whole new take on the world.
The two youngest are 16 and 17. They say they have been trying to get jobs, but make excuses. I think they THINK they want jobs, but will not take my advice on following up on applications because they know it all. I have told them I started at McDonald's at 14 and had many jobs in high school. During my senior year, I had 3 jobs at one time. I told them there are many ways to earn money. I even shoveled out horse stalls and other odd jobs. Their excuses are "we live in a job desert","it was easier to get a job when you were younger", and "they are only hiring people with experience" (yes, son actually said KFC wouldn't hire him because they wanted someone older and with more experience).
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So what if they refuse to pay rent? Not a problem, they can move out on their own and start living. You are doing your kids no favors by shielding them from the world. The kids need to respect you first and love you later. There can be no love without respect first. Right now you are just a walking wallet and a punching bag. If they see your W not having any respect for you, they think they can do the same.
I think you're 100% right on there. Son says when he turns 18 his girlfriend's mom is going to allow him to live there for $100/month. Not sure that will work out (I hope it doesn't), but I have no idea how he is going to get the money for rent. They do not respect me because mom doesn't respect me. I am still blown away that my daughter is angry at me for suing their mom when she is the one who sued me and started this whole thing. I just don't get it.
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If you do not think you are worthy of respect and love, no one else will think either.
I have heard that from others and I am trying to find a way to do it. I hesitated to take her to court because I thought "she is going to be angry. I don't want that". Then I realized (FINALLY) that her getting angry means she is not a reasonable person and that I have to do what I have to do. I have got to stop being afraid to make her mad. It has been going on for 18 years. I keep thinking that if she gets mad, she will be less likely to reconcile some day, but then I don't really want to be around someone I am afraid to make mad. Therapy has helped me understand that even though my heart is still broken.
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Please do not think I am making fun of you or taunting you. I too am growing a new pair, big brass ones.
No worries. I am not offended. Many others have said the same thing.
It would be so much easier if she were to decide it would be better to reconcile, but that is not likely to happen. She would rather stay angry, point out all my faults and continue playing the victim.
Do not wait around for her, in any shape or form. She might come around, and then again she might not. I am not saying you should start dating or anything, but you do have to get on with your life.
Try to remove any memories from the line of sight (photographs, keepsakes,...) because they set you back a little each time you look at them.
And then continue with rebuilding your life without your W. As you have discovered it is futile to reason with your kids, so you must speak with actions. They will get it with time (hopefully)...
Go out, hang out with people, go hiking, bond with nature.
Well, I am getting up in a few hours to go to mediation. Like I said, I am terrified because she is a pathological liar and is very manipulative. I have a journal of the things that have gone on the last two years and have not involved the kids in anything. I have walked a very fine line and have been very careful not to get caught up in things. I have slipped a couple times by raising my voice at the kids when they throw tantrums. she WILL use that against me and will fabricate something. She knows how to play the victim well. I also do not trust these mediators.
I just looked online and found out she hired a well-known/high priced attorney. Speaking logically, I have to ask myself WHY?? Why not just do the right thing?? I am afraid that I will end up having to pay her support for a very long time and I will end up having nothing for the rest of my life while she lives off my efforts. In the early 80's Jerry Reed had a hit song titled "She Got the Gold Mine (I Got the Shaft)". I thought it was funny, but always knew it was true. Unfortunately, things still don't appear to be that much better.
I went to the ordered mediation and she was a no- show. They told me to just go to the trial next month, as they couldn't talk to me without her there. You would think this would not make her look good, but I have this feeling she was told by her attorney that she didn't have to show and there will be no consequences. Not sure though, as she wouldn't do this if she hadn't been advised. At least that's what I think. Who knows??
I did something like this myself but instead of tearing it up, I gave it to her. Not sure if it had an impact or not but W stopped talking about leaving, went through a rough patch and then actually did leave saying that she needed time and space to think. At the time I had thought (wrongly) that the A was over and that I was dealing with a WAW not a WW. I've redacted most of it to save space. Here's a partially redacted version of the main paragraphs.
I honestly don't know if it had an impact or not and if WW is actually thinking or is living the life with OM. My heart and what she said to me and S22/D24 is that she's thinking but I've been wrong SO many times before when I practice mind-reading.
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I feel that the time has now come for us to move beyond the past and start rebuilding our life together. <snip> you may chose differently than what I have hoped and waited for.
<snip>
If on the other hand you feel that our marriage and family cannot be saved or that you still cannot decide in a reasonable time then I will reluctantly need to pursue my own legal advice on ending our marriage and breaking up our family for the sake of my own well-being and to secure the future for myself and our children.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am sure it is too late for this kind of thing. She is really angry. I think part of the reason she is more angry now is because I pointed out to the courts what she has done and has refused to become self-supporting. I am not sure what is going to happen, but I am worried because she ALWAYS gets her way. The thing is, I do not want to do this. I do not want to fight, but I have to stand up for myself for once and it is getting ugly. If I thought it would do any good, I would write her a letter and ask her to reconsider, but I do not think it will do anything besides give her the opportunity to write me a nasty letter.
They say people realize that the grass is not always as green on the other side, but I don't think that will be the case with her. She is always angry and always the victim. She actually had it better than she thought. I worked while she stayed in her pajamas and homeschooled and then did whatever she wanted throughout the day. Even had season passes to the local theme park on OC. I just don't get it, but I guess people who are as spoiled as she never seem to understand these things. Another reason she will likely not reconsider is, she has not actually been on her own. She is living (by choice) in subsidized housing while i pay 150% of her entire cost of living. She has never in her life had to do anything on her own.
