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Djanvk Offline OP
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So we have been married for almost 12 years and together for 14 years, I'm 42 and my W is 41, we have 4 kids (17/17/10/8), the 2 older ones are from previous relationships from both my W and myself, they are both girls and we each have custody of them. The younger 2 are both boys from our relationship.

One day about 6 week ago my wife came home from work and I was expecting we would go out and do something that night, I had the house all cleaned and ready to go have some fun. W came down the stairs and I started talking about going out and doing something and she had this look on her face that worried me then tears started so I put my arm around her and ask what was wrong and she told me that she didn't feel close to me and felt distant. I was stunned, blindsided, never saw this coming as we I though were getting along fine. W proceeds to tell me that the way I argue has pushed her away and really bothers her.

Background of our fights is we average a big fight 2x per year and with those fights they can get pretty heated, I've been known to yell, throw things and hit walls every once in awhile. Never hurt her, never threatened her, never towards her. Our last fight was about a month before she told me this. This last fight she did call the police on me when we were yelling, there was no throwing anything or hitting any walls just yelling between us. Since the fight up until she broke the news to me we have not argued and even have gone out together and had a great time, even our SL was good during this time which it always has been. There was never any warning signs that I noticed before this day she told me she felt distant. There has also been issues with my Step-Daughter and me, we haven't seen eye to eye in the last couple of years, not sure if it's teen issues or it's me, but she feels as if I get on her all the time. I have learned to step back and look at issues in a different way to not cause conflict with her.

After I was told this about a week later W left home and moved to her parents which is only a couple blocks away from our house. We started counselling and had one couples counselling then since that we have each had a separate counselor. I am enjoying my counselling because it's helping me with my stress from other issues that has potentially caused my anger issues during our arguments and I feel better. My wife has not been very communicative with me but she will talk if we are around each other, it has got better as I was being the pushy one about our relationship and getting back together since I have started reading DR and backed off with a lot of things.

I love my wife and really want this to work, she has not really mentioned the Big D, just has said she doesn't really know what she wants, but hasn't said this in awhile. I'm leaning a lot from my counselling on how to deal with anger, arguments and communications but it's really hard to put these skills to work with my wife not home. I've learned a lot about myself in the last month and seen how I can act from the outside and I'm very upset with what I've seen, change is definitely happening for me. My W birthday is coming up in 3 days and I want to celebrate it for her but I don't want to be to pushy either.

Well that's my story for now, trying to stay positive and work my way to a better husband and person for my family.


M42 W41
D17 Step-D17 S10 S8
Married 11, Together 14
Separated 1 Month, W living at her parents
Bomb: 1/16/2015 "I don't feel close to you, I feel distant."
Joined: Nov 2009
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Nov 2009
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Originally Posted By: Djanvk
So we have been married for almost 12 years and together for 14 years, I'm 42 and my W is 41, we have 4 kids (17/17/10/8), the 2 older ones are from previous relationships from both my W and myself, they are both girls and we each have custody of them. The younger 2 are both boys from our relationship.

...she told me that she didn't feel close to me and felt distant. I was stunned, blindsided, never saw this coming as we I though were getting along fine.

...Background of our fights is we average a big fight 2x per year ...I've been known to yell, throw things and hit walls every once in awhile. Never hurt her, never threatened her, never towards her....This last fight she did call the police on me when we were yelling, there was no throwing anything or hitting any walls just yelling between us.

...There was never any warning signs that I noticed before this day she told me she felt distant.

... I have learned to step back and look at issues in a different way to not cause conflict with her.

After I was told this about a week later W left home and moved to her parents which is only a couple blocks away from our house. We started counselling and had one couples counselling then since that we have each had a separate counselor. I am enjoying my counselling because it's helping me with my stress from other issues that has potentially caused my anger issues during our arguments and I feel better. My wife has not been very communicative with me but she will talk if we are around each other, it has got better as I was being the pushy one about our relationship and getting back together since I have started reading DR and backed off with a lot of things.

I love my wife and really want this to work, .... I'm leaning a lot from my counselling on how to deal with anger, arguments and communications but it's really hard to put these skills to work with my wife not home. I've learned a lot about myself in the last month and seen how I can act from the outside and I'm very upset with what I've seen, change is definitely happening for me. My W birthday is coming up in 3 days and I want to celebrate it for her but I don't want to be to pushy either.

Well that's my story for now, trying to stay positive and work my way to a better husband and person for my family.



First, congratualations I think you understand many of the issues. Calling the police should have been a clue that she viewed that fight differently.

Good work on the counseling. In addition to counseling for the two of you, may I suggest a few sessions with all your children and step children. Seriously, such a fight and the police showing up and their mother leaving the house has to have had a huge impact on them. It really needs to be discussed, their fears need to be addressed and your wife and kids need to understand that you are sorry for what you did, but that you are changing who you are and want a better relationship with all of them.

You are doing well not to be too pushy. As to her birthday, maybe give her something for herself. For example a spa gift certificate for nails or a massage. Something that doesn't involve you, but is your pamperhing her from a safe distance.

The real holiday coming up is mothers day where you can thank her for being the mother of your chidren and the mother of your stepchildren. That is the one I would even discuss with your counselor.

Good luck.


>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
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Djanvk Offline OP
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Thanks for the reply, this is exactly what I'm planning on doing for her birthday is give her a card with gift certificate for a massage(she loves massages). I do agree with a counselling session with the whole family and something that I would like to see if she will agree to.


M42 W41
D17 Step-D17 S10 S8
Married 11, Together 14
Separated 1 Month, W living at her parents
Bomb: 1/16/2015 "I don't feel close to you, I feel distant."
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 443
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what ever happened here? It's been over a year!


Me(W): 29 EXW: 30
T: 6 M: 2
SD: 10
BD: 04/2016
PS: 04/2016
W officially "seeing" someone 09/2016
W filed 03/2017
Officially Divorced 11/2017
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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You can check the date last posted, how many posts he has total, and see that he did not stick with the board. Some people will come post one time and we never hear from them again. Many people leave the board without us ever knowing what happened.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
You can check the date last posted, how many posts he has total, and see that he did not stick with the board. Some people will come post one time and we never hear from them again. Many people leave the board without us ever knowing what happened.


As Sandi said

Djanvk (Member #36797)
User
Registered On: 02/18/15 08:58 PM
Last Online: 02/21/15 12:05 PM

Posted and came back once and then left the forum.


Me-70, D37,S36

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