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She is "addicted". Having a long talk with each other does not erase the addiction. The two of you need a plan to keep you on track.

You can start with commitment. If she's not willing to commit 100%, it won't work. If she is, you can engage in being transparent with each other. For example, you are free to look at each other's phones and email, and/or whatever it takes to account for your activity. (We can give more information later, if you are interested.

I think you should consider an agreement (thoroughly communicated with one another) as to what is needed from each spouse in order to have a better relationship; have an agreement as to what each of you are willing to do to give the MR the work that is required to gain trust, respect, and loyalty. Write it down, if it helps.

I think it is important that both of you have a plan as to what to do, and what not to do, whenever you are tempted to return to the sources of your addictions. Where can you go locally to get support......and guidance in the steps to take in healing and maintaining?

You have to be proactive in pulling the MR out of the grip of the addictions. Neither of you can have it both ways. You can't have a good MR and keep the old behaviors.

During the long talk you had together, was there any remorse and apologies?

I want you to realize that her flirting and getting the attention of other men can be just as addictive as your porn. It may start out with flirty texts or emails........but it progresses. So, don't take it lightly......and don't let her get by with telling you it's no big deal. It's a very big deal when she's M. Don't accept her statement that any of these guys are just a friend. Now let me ask you.........have you texted or emailed other women in a flirtatious manner? Do you have friendships with women that exclude your W? Any messages you really wouldn't want your W to discover? Any contacts with previous girlfriends? If you get way too touchy and flirty while dancing and drunk, then what else do you do when drunk? If you are guilty of any of these behaviors, then it all must stop tonight, if you want to stay married. Both of you are playing with fire!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi.
She doesn't seem to be 100% committed to working on our relationship now. Her words and actions said she was a couple of days ago when she moved back in, but now she seems to be scared and backpedalling.
Our long talk was great. Remorse and apologies on both sides. Expressions of love and missing each other. Talk of some expectations to help with the process of working towards a healthier R this time. Really good stuff.
I made it very clear and she agreed that she will not text or call other men. I have not had contact with other women in any form. I am no longer getting drunk or looking at porn. The only messages I would not want W to see is forum posts here and my personal notes/journal I use for my progress. I am 100% committed to work on our M.

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Good to hear you were not involved in contacting other women. Here is what I've learned about long talks about the relationship. In many cases, it is more one-sided than equally balanced from each spouse. But the largest thing is how it is an emotional valve. It allows you to release some of that negative feelings........and in return, you feel better, even hopeful about the next coming days. However, emotions are one part and actually having a solid plan and doing the daily work.......is not fun. It takes self discipline and outside support.

My first thoughts about your W pulling back is that she has not stopped her activity of contacting other men. She needs to shut down all the chat rooms and dating sites, and she needs to block access to every man on her phone and computer. You can't just take her word.......you need to see that she truly has taken action to remove them.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Self discipline and outside support, yes. I'm all for it, but I will have to wait and make sure W is ready to be 100% committed to me and working on our R. I suppose I will have to detach a bit more if she is not. It's pretty disappointing since I thought this was our starting point. I'll go ahead and use my mental "oh well" now.

My gut feeling is that she is not in contact with other men at this point. But I will not rule it out until I am sure. Thanks for the thought.
We have been talking a little here and there, and it seems more of the same from her. I went out with my buddy for a drink last night. I let her know the day before and she seemed to have no problem with it, nothing was said. Now she tells me that I'm putting other people first and that she will never be put first. I validated her feelings, but I told her we should have talked about it when I told her. Also if we have different expectations in this sensitive time, then we should discuss that as well. This is a big red flag for me, it reminds me of the insecure and controlling behaviour of our old R that I don't want to be part of anymore. I'm not going with my instinct to run away from the issue. I am going to try to talk with her about it in a loving way to see if we can come to an understanding.

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That's all fine and good that you want to be a wonderful, loving H. I am saying that it is her emotional addiction to these other men that is causing her to pull away from you. You could be the grandest H on earth........and if she is involved emotionally with any other man, it will have huge affects on her feelings about you.

Many H's would stake their life on the W not having another person involved........and say they felt it in their heart, or their W wasn't the type, was a good Christian, and many more reasons..........only to discover she was cheating. For all I know, you do not consider her activity with these male contacts as cheating. I can speak from experience and tell you to take it extremely serious. Do not sweep things under the rug, or turn a blind eye.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Ok messaged received. Thank you so much for that! I'm going to let that really soak in now, then take a more appropriate approach.

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I agree with sandi, just be careful of any men she may be in contact with. These OP have a way of telling our troubled spouses the things they want to hear.

I was one of the "he'd never do that" people when I first came here. My h had an ea which turned into a pa. a year later down the line, he is tuning in and out of the r. I've discovered he has "a good female friend" who he swears it's nothing more, but when he suddenly checked out alarm bells rang.

Even an emotional affair is an addiction to them. That op might not be anything compared to you, but when they are in the fog, nothing matters, this person is telling them all they want to hear, and making them feel good about themselves. Maybe it's the buzz of someone finding them attractive or interesting, I really don't know. What I do know is they are poison!

It's great to hear the positive changes you've made for yourself. If say keep doing what works. Your w is very confused and clearly in the fog, truth is she doesn't know what she wants. But no woman wants to loose a good thing. Keep focusing on you, be the best man that you can be and leave her to figure herself out.

Good luck, it rooting for you


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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We had a quick talk during lunch which didn't go very well. She feels like I am trying to control her by telling her she shouldn't be in contact with her male friends. She says she doesn't see anything wrong with it since it's innocent. I stayed firm and told her that changes need to be made to make progress in our R and this was one of them. Still she said "I don't know what to tell you, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I'm not going to change who I am as a good friend" Ha! Ain't that some crap. I told her that means she is not committed to making the R better. She replied that I am making her sound bad. I validated a bit and said I see that being viewed as "good" is important to you. I don't think you are bad I'm just stating facts about how you handle our relationship.
We are going to talk more later. We will see how that goes.

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Thanks Cherry! Its really great to have support here. I appreciate all of the kinds words and the also 2x4s when needed.

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Good job on addressing the situation. I'd say don't throw accusations, it may be innocent. But in my eyes, anything you have to hide from your spouse isn't innocent.

Keep you're eyes open. You're doing great. And we're all here for support in what is easily one of the hardest tests of our lives


Me 26 H 25
M 4
T 5
Baby born 4/14
BD: 1/15
EA: 2/15
PA: 4/15
reconciling: 4/15
ILYBINILWY- 11/15
ILY-1/16
ILYBNILWY 4/16
ILY 6/16
ILYBINILWY 6/16
Baby due 3/17
BD 8/16
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