Keep Wearing Wedding Band?

[ForGump]

As for kids I let my W field that one as it was not a mutual decision and I want my D to know that I value the relationship and am not giving up. What lesson does that teach them?

Conventional wisdom is that parents present the same story to their kids. Saying, "ask your Mom," doesn't sound like presenting the same story to me.

[ForGump]

ForGump -- how are you doing?

Most mornings are hard, as my mind is still stuck in my home life, afternoons tend to be better, as my mind shifts away. I like my evenings because I spend it with my kids. I look forward to falling asleep, as an escape from my troubles. But I'm usually awakened in the early morning hours, and my mind is filled with the pain of losing my W, and I can't sleep any more after that. So I'm usually tired.

Your wife, if she's like mine, stored up grievances, perhaps for years, and it gradually caused her to lose sight of what moved her toward you initially. Do you have any visibility as to what those things are/were? Those are I think where you want your 180s to start if possible.

We had a lot of conflict from early on. So, not surprisingly, intimacy suffered from early on too. In the last few years I thought we had figured out how to live with each other, so actually before the BD, I felt quite content about our R, although I recognized that our sex life was poor. It wasn't the intensity -- when we got it on, I thought it was hot -- but it was infrequent, because she just wasn't responding to my initiating.

I think much of her grievances have to do w/ me being emotionally unintelligent, not being in tune with her feelings, and instead over-doing the practical things. So it's hard for me to do a 180 simultaneously while detaching.

I'm also wondering if you are GALing.

I thought I was doing it OK but this is a good reminder. I like doing things outdoors, and early on in our marriage she resented that I would go away for 1/2 day to do those things. Later she became much more supportive of those outings. But since BD, I really have not been motivated to do those things, instead choosing to do things w/ my kids.

I hope you'll post more about your sitch in addition to continuing to be such a help to others here.

My S8 finally asked me this morning why I'm sleeping on the couch. My IC said I should just tell him the truth (in a simple way). But I couldn't. I just said I'm more comfortable there, and he didn't question it.

I have to admit that much of my motivation in reading and occasionally commenting is that it simply helps me pass the time at work. I have trouble concentrating nowadays.

This forum feels cruel in a way, because all this DB talk gives you hope, like something could happen, yet everyone admits most DB fails... A lucky few save their marriages.

[hawker]

For Gump,

I feel the same way about waking up in the early morning hours....that is when I feel my worst...I keep thinking I am having a bad dream. Keep reading and posting as this site so that others can give you input....get out there and GAL to take your mind off the sitch...can you take your kids with you doing the outdoor things?

Hang in there

[Raul]

My family have all wanted me to take my ring off as to they think I am no longer "married." I tried it for one day and did not like the feeling. My W, took her ring off the day she walked out of the house. I look it as a personal decision. For me, I took a vow and will honor it to the end (D). Personally, it gives me a sense of comfort too. I may be in denial too.

[lt0402]

This forum feels cruel in a way, because all this DB talk gives you hope, like something could happen, yet everyone admits most DB fails... A lucky few save their marriages.

ForGump, what I'm learning is that DBs primary focus isn't saving your marriage. It's about getting you back to a place that you respect yourself and can be the person you want to be. It's about rebuilding bonds that had been lacking, such as with your kids and your friends/family. It's about growing your integrity, confidence, and R skills so you can succeed in life going forward, with or without your spouse.

The secondary goal of DB seems to be saving your marriage, at least with regards to a WS. The thought is that by accomplishing the primary goals above, you have done everything you can to try to save your MR. If you're successful in those primary goals, your spouse would be stupid to leave such a good person. If the MR still ends in D you then have the skills and confidence to be successful in your Rs going forward.

You learn that by focusing on what you can control you stay sane. Focusing on changing or controlling your spouses actions/thoughts will drive you crazy and will probably drive them further away. So focus on those primary goals and the secondary goal will sort itself out. Easier said than done, I know, but that's what I'm starting to realize DBing is.

I've only been around here for a month or so, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Some of the more seasoned guys/gals may be able to help more.

Whatever happens, remember that you are always in control of you. Keep working hard and keep your head up. We are all here to support you brother!

[MrBond]

"This forum feels cruel in a way, because all this DB talk gives you hope, like something could happen, yet everyone admits most DB fails... A lucky few save their marriages."

What happens (good or bad) depends on you. If you say that "everyone" admits most DB fails, then why try?

You're letting your depression motivate you.

[cheesyt]

I keep my band on, for myself. I've been reading a lot and I am commited to saving our marriage. Because my W is "I need time" and hasn't really made a decision on wether we will divorce or reconcile, I keep it on as a reminder that I am commited. I do not want temptation to come about. I need to stay focused. It helps me when I'm down, I'm reminded what I'm working for.
My W does not wear hers any longer. It's on her night stand. I took if for a cleaning a couple months back and she about lost her marbles, she thought I took it for good.
Make the decision based on you, not what you think your W will want, think or not think. Or anyone for that matter. If you feel good wearing it, do it.

[trumpet]

This forum feels cruel in a way, because all this DB talk gives you hope, like something could happen, yet everyone admits most DB fails... A lucky few save their marriages.

ForGump, what I'm learning is that DBs primary focus isn't saving your marriage. It's about getting you back to a place that you respect yourself and can be the person you want to be. It's about rebuilding bonds that had been lacking, such as with your kids and your friends/family. It's about growing your integrity, confidence, and R skills so you can succeed in life going forward, with or without your spouse.

The secondary goal of DB seems to be saving your marriage, at least with regards to a WS. The thought is that by accomplishing the primary goals above, you have done everything you can to try to save your MR. If you're successful in those primary goals, your spouse would be stupid to leave such a good person. If the MR still ends in D you then have the skills and confidence to be successful in your Rs going forward.

You learn that by focusing on what you can control you stay sane. Focusing on changing or controlling your spouses actions/thoughts will drive you crazy and will probably drive them further away. So focus on those primary goals and the secondary goal will sort itself out. Easier said than done, I know, but that's what I'm starting to realize DBing is.

I've only been around here for a month or so, so take what I say with a grain of salt. Some of the more seasoned guys/gals may be able to help more.

Whatever happens, remember that you are always in control of you. Keep working hard and keep your head up. We are all here to support you brother!

Man, for a month, you nailed it. Very well worded.

It takes a while to work through the shock and awe phase of the BD.
Then it takes a while to work through the anger and grief.
When you look back, it's about what you can control - you will have emotions, they aren't bad or good, they're comfortable or uncomfortable. The uncomfortable ones will leave you... don't knee jerk yourself into regret for actions that should never have been taken.

I'd love to hear my EX-WW say she was a fool. But by that time, if there ever is a time, I'll have LONG moved on. Some have smart waywards, and snap out of it in days/weeks/months. They seem to be the minority, but that's why I stay around - to hear the success stories!

[JRuss]

Hang in there, ForGump. This stuff is really, really hard. I have the same difficulty going back to sleep after waking up (usually around 4am) and then am just exhausted by early evening. Ditto on the trouble concentrating at work. Meditation helps me but isn't a cure. Exercising also really does help.

The hope is a very difficult aspect of all of this. Everyone comes here -- or at least almost everyone -- because they want to save their marriages. It does seem like DBing and this community itself is much more about surviving this terrible blow, though, and then, eventually, thriving as a better, happier person without regard to the spouse that's blown up our lives. A lucky few get the added benefit of their wayward waking up, but I'm like you in that I don't see DBing doing much to influence things either way. The wayward either comes back or they don't. It is highly unlikely that they come back unless you make some positive changes, because, in their minds, it was mostly, if not entirely, your fault things broke down. So DBing maximizes chances; but they still don't seem like good odds from where I sit. And that is a repeated punch in the nuts that keeps me from detaching. I want it all to WORK, you know?

I think you should go back to the marriage bed. Let her sleep on the couch or even move out if she can't handle it. Don't be aggressive or confrontational about it, just slide back into YOUR bed. Just a thought. Best of luck.

[Coconut]

she was downloading A friendly apps

What are they? Which apps?

The ones she downloaded specifically were:

- Snapchat
- WhatsApp
- NoTrace.im

but there are many more such as:
- Groupme
- Touch
- Facebook messenger
- Kik
- text me
- Skype

There are many uses for these, particularly they are great for group chats, but if your trying to hide communication, they are great for that too. They aren't a smoking gun, but the fact that she was downloading them while I was trying to gain trust was a slap in the face, and made me very suspicious.

basically any communication app that texts through the app is not traceable on the phone bill.