Back but for a different reason

[ClingingToHope]

On Monday, D13 asked me for a quick update on job stuff. I tried to keep it brief. She said, "Don't be mad, but I don't want you to get a job. I want you to sub again."

Both of my daughters would rather me sub at their schools than work. I get it and it makes me want to root for the communications business to take off.

Interestingly busy week this week. I began umpiring in the summer for "extra" money five years ago. And right now, it's my main source of income. I'm going to umpire 22 games between June 20 and June 30. I keep picking up more. That gave me a sense of peace last night. That plus the little bit of communications money coming in assures that I'll be fine until school starts -- and then I at least can sub again.

Tuesday, I had my Post Office interview to be a rural carrier associate -- a sub on rural postal routes. There were five of us, four really young people and me. My test scores were highest. So we'll see. This is totally a thing to do while waiting for other things to come to fruition. You start out working every Saturady and one other day a week.

Late Tuesday, I got a call back from another organization where I'm a real longshot. I knew my resume wasn't that strong for the position, but there were projects I've done that I thought made me a stronger candidate. So I emailed the CEO directly.

That got me a phone call to talk more about the position. That phone call got me an interview next week on Tuesday.

So things keep happening.

[ClingingToHope]

Nothing came of the last interview. I thought it went well ... but I could sense they were skeptical. The lady who would have been my supervisor was likely 15 years younger.

In the meantime, I picked up more umpiring. I've done the math. I have enough to get through the summer. I'll apply to sub at a larger, more difficult district that pays more ... afterall, I'll need something solid during the day.

The communications business. I've made a proposal for a very large, long-term project. I actually went through the whole business plan steps. I liked it. I could pull it off. I also can't see why a small marketing firm in my town would pay that much to do it. I'll be shocked if it goes anywhere.

I have a meeting with another guy that likely will hire me for some work. Hopefully, I can upsell him to the point where I'm a legit business again. And I ran into a school principal I'm trying to sell a research project. He and I are basketball buddies. I'll at least get a meeting. I'll need to develop a powerpoint.

Business cards arrived in the mail today. I've gone a year without having them. Dumb. But I wasn't fully committed.

While umpiring today, I noticed a girl in the stands that looked like the daughter of my ex-girlfriend. We spent 2 1/2 years together. She broke up with me last March when it became clear my career situation wasn't going to be a quick fix.

I didn't care that much then. It had gotten really awkward between us. Our 13-year-olds just didn't like each other. I never saw it lasting long-term. I missed the sex though.

Today, seeing the girl, I actually felt a wave of sadness. It was an anchor for 30 months. It was comfortable. It was nice. Every once in a while, I thought, well, maybe, this could be it.

Today was tough. I'm tired. Really tired.

[ClingingToHope]

Ah toxic people. When xw and I separated in 2009 one saving grace was that my uncle said I could bring my girls over to swim in his inground pool any time I wanted. We swam a lot in 2009 and 2010. Then in 2011, he told me the house next door to him was coming available. I made a quick call, struck a deal and moved in.

It was tiiiiinnnnnnyyyyyyy. Maybe 1,000 square feet at the most. No dining room. We ate on a little rolling tea table in the living room.

It wasn't an apartment though. My girls could be as loud as they wanted. And we really enjoyed the pool. Especially the younger daughter.

The house got to be too small so when one of my best friends offered me his house at a discount so he could move to Florida, we took him up on it. That summer - 2014 - we didn't swim nearly as often. The oldest one no longer wanted to be in a swimsuit and the younger one didn't like driving back wet - even though it was just like five blocks away.

In 2015, my uncle said he wasn't going to open it. It was getting to be too much for him and we weren't over enough. I tried to promise we'd use it more ... but it was no use. And then he died later that year. He was a hard drinker when he was younger. He didn't do himself any favors health wise.

D13 hates having to swim in public pools. She got spoiled a bit. She still talks about how great it was to swim in my uncle's pool. This summer, she's getting used to it. We don't swim as much ... now there's a cost ... but we're getting out a bit.

Two days ago, on Facebook, I saw a picture of my cousin's wife next to the pool and she posted how she's ready to relax. My aunt reopened the pool! I messaged my aunt and didn't hear back. So I went over there and I could tell by her look what she was about to say.

My cousin, my uncle's surviving son, was behind reopening the pool. I needed to ask him. I've always stepped lightly around my cousin. He's just an angry guy. Funny thing is he knows it. At his brother's funeral, he talked about how he was mad that his brother had gotten sick at a young age and sucked up all of their parents' attention.

At his dad's funeral he talked about how mad he was at his father because he drank so much he kind of ceased being a dad. Jesus, when his dad laid helpless and dying, my cousin used that as a chance to get all his anger out that had been building up.

Anyway, I sent my cousin a message on Facebook. D13 would jump for joy if she could swim in the pool once or twice a week. My cousin and his wife work 80 hours a week at a rehab clinic they own. There is no one in that pool 99 percent of the time.

And oh boy did I get a message back. Twenty years worth of pent up anger about things I'd long ago forgotten about. Money supposedly I owed. Tools I broke. I've seen this guy at holidays, his daughter's weddings, his brother's and father's funeral. I even called him a few times for advice back when I was first separated. And this stuff never came up.

I answered back in as neutral a tone as possible. I defended myself on some things and apologized on others ... and told him I was grateful for some of the things he helped me with. And I said he wasn't hurting my feelings, he was punishing D13.

Then I said take care and unfriended him. Then I asked his family members, who I all truly like, to unfriend my daughters. I didn't want some random pool photo showing up on their feed and having them ask why we haven't been over there.

Waht truly irks me is that I feel weak. The fact I'm in this financial mess means I can't just sit back and say "screw it, I'll get a pool next summer." I don't know if I'll be filing for bankruptcy next summer.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate this feeling of weakness. And I've had it almost without fail since 2009.

[ClingingToHope]

I just don't do well with slow days.

[ClingingToHope]

I understand now how people could become addicted to drugs or alcohol. I swing so wildly between hope and despair. I really, really, really wanted to just stop at a bar today and drink just to feel nothing.

I am a complete mess today after feeling very good about things yesterday.

[ClingingToHope]

I found out last night that the X finally got remarried. She took the girls on a trip to Michigan at the end of summer. I got our old dog for a week. A few photos popped up on my Facebook feed. I quickly deleted them. One of her old high school friends was on the trip. Now it makes sense.

I am sorting through the emotions.

I remember when she finally moved out of our old house. I was happy that she wasn't sleeping in our bed, in our old house with some other guy. But I was sad because we entered that house with so many hopes and dreams.

I remember when I find out she was pregnant with this guy. That was really, really, really, really hard. It meant that no matter what this other dude and his family was going to be involved in my daughters' lives. That has been the biggest adjustment.

This one? It was inevitable. They've been together off and on since a couple of months after we split up. At times, it was embarrassing that she still had my name. At times, it was weirdly comforting that they hadn't married.

My daughters were worried about how I'd take it. They are really worried about me overall. I tried to explain that it isn't so much her and him, but that I'm just struggling right now.

If the Internet hadn't come along and crushed my old career - the newspaper I worked at is making more cuts - then I'd be making $80,000 by now with raises. I'd be able to travel, save, plan for retirement. That wasn't to be. And for two years now I've been casting about trying to find myself.

I've got four things going right now. I've been through the interview process at the Post Office. If I get in there, I can make $40,000 to $45,000 the first year, but I'll really be busting it. Saturdays, Sundays, no scheduled time off. Very little flexibility. It is a job. It is a safe job. If you get through the first 90 days then it's a matter of showing up and moving on up and 15 years from now I have a federal pension.

Back to financial services. Merrill Lynch, which wanted to hire me two years ago, is back in the mix. I called them and I've been through three interviews. They have a three-year training program where you make $48,000 with commissions. Way more flexibility, but it's a lot, lot, lot, lot, lot of cold calling and you have to hit targets beginning after five months are you are out. It has an 80 percent failure rate.

The aerospace company that originally hired me for an internship on June 22, 2015, is supposedly going to give me a call again. I'd written them off entirely, but the head of the Internship program said I'd be getting a call. In that case, I'd make $50,000 to $60,000 as an intern while finishing my MBA. I have eight classes left. So that would cost me $14,000 and I'd be either working or studying for two years.

The last one? There's a marketing company in town that has brought me in as a writer on five projects. I've met their expectations and the owner has talked about starting a larger small business website and he'd want me to run it. I've given him an editorial plan. I've given him a business plan. I've given him a scaled down three-month tryout. But he hasn't bitten ... and these other things are out there. This one would be the most flexible and least guaranteed.

So you see, each day I continue to wake up wondering what's going to happen to me. When someone asks me 'how are you doing' I don't really know what to say. And the uncertainty is draining. I don't have any energy. I'm constantly counting pennies. And the clock is ticking. I learned last night how desperately unhappy my daughters are with the situation with their mother and how they are counting on me to be the stable one. They hate, hate, hate all this bouncing around.

I remember the X telling me the girls will adjust and she constantly blames me with the fact that they haven't fully accepted her new reality. My 17-year-old told me how much she hated her 16th birthday party because it was so awkward and asked if that's how it's going to be when she gets married.

I told her maybe. On her 16th birthday, my ex-girlfriend didn't show up. She says there was a misscommunication. I felt abandoned as the X and this entire family invaded my daughter's 16th birthday.

This is years from now. It has to get better for me. Doesn't it? Each day, I have moments of peace where I think someday I"ll be back to being comfortable and then I can look back on these days with a smile. When are those days coming.

[bttrfly]

sometimes, when things are at the worst, it seems to take more courage than we possess in that moment to continue. those are the times when I find that all I can do is just focus on the moment and my breathing. you cannot change the past. the future is unwritten. you have options but right now, in this moment, as you read this, you really only have to concentrate on your next breath in and then a slow exhale out. if you can do that a few times in a row, only focusing on your breathing, you will feel a bit calmer and more centered, I promise.

You've listed a couple of excellent reasons to hang in there: your girls are counting on you.

I know it's hard, believe me. One thing I've learned through this nightmare is that we are not alone. There are good people here, supporting each other and sharing their struggles and eventual triumphs.

Yes, It will get better for you. Those moments will become hours and then days, weeks, months. But today, all you have to do is breathe.

xoxoxo

[ClingingToHope]

The work stuff took my mind off the X. Monday morning I got a call to interview with the aerospace firm on Tuesday. That was always my No. 1 goal. Later that morning, the marketing firm told me they wanted me to come in Tuesday for more work. Then THAT AFTERNOON I was offered a job with the financial services firm.

The financial services firm will pay $4,000 a month while in training ... and it'll be at least 4 1/2 to 5 months before you have to start hitting quotas. If I'm absolutely awful at it, I'll still get a lot paid off.

I called the post office and dropped out. I want to keep that one in my back pocket for the future.

Tuesday I did the aerospace interview. They said they'd have a decision by end of day.

Then I went to the marketing firm meeting. They gave me four assignments and then talked about me coming to Monday and Wednesday morning meetings.

I told him at that point that I love the fact I'm getting more and more work, but it still isn't enough to pay my bills so I'm looking at these other two jobs.

The marketing firm owner followed me to my car and started talking about a dual role of writer/media consultant and business development. He said he wasn't sure how to pay for business development though. I said I was interested so lets keep talking.

The aerospace company didn't call - so they are out. I accepted the financial service offer and told the marketing firm let's keep developing the relationship until he's comfortable enough to make a concrete offer. That's the issue. He's never actually made a concrete offer.

So in a couple of weeks I go from worrying about my rent to worrying about my sleep. I'm going to be extremely busy.

That's a good thing. I told a friend though that for the past 18 months I've had all the time in the world to date just no money to actually ask anyone out. Now, I'll have more than enough money to date but no time.