DDJ, glad to hear that your doing well, sorry to hear that in order for things to work out you had to D. I guess the best case scenario would be for a M to work out, for forgiveness to take place and for the MR to thrive going forward.
Not always possible due to so many factors, but I do believe that is the best case scenario. I also believe that thriving after D is certainly possible, life tends to also be like a rollercoaster, and with as far down as a chapter like this takes us, the upswing is gigantic, possibilities are endless if we take advantage of it.
My sitch took a dramatic turn a couple of weeks ago when I found out she was downloading A friendly apps, and then I confirmed just last Friday that the A continues.. it's been a crazy few days, but I'm leveling out, my support system jumped in and surrounded me, I've never received so much love from so many people.. I feel sorry for my WW, she's left family and 30yr friends and seems to only surround herself with new friends who fit "who she is" now...
Anyway, good to hear from you buddy, I'm glad you came through the otherside ok, I'm sure there is still some days of sadness for what is gone, and that's ok because no matter what, there were good years that can be missed..
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Hey Coco, here's the thing, my journey is very strange, I feel no pain. No hurt. I really don't. It's like this whole episode never happened.
My soul has healed me, taken it all away. The last time i actually cried was Friday last week, but not for my M, but asking God forgiveness for disrespecting the sanctity of M and being forced to D.
I still have no proof that she cheated when shyt hit the fan in May. I really don't. Last nite, I could not sleep, I was so happy, like i was going on an overseas trip. This morning i was overjoyed.
There's a book called The Power of Now, what the author describes in the first few pages is what happened and is happening to me. I opened myself to the pain of this and then it disappeared, slowly, but it is now gone.
The aim, thx to darkness, sandi and dream, was to always detach. I believe D was the final piece of the puzzle. I am now at about 98% detachment. Can't really control my "member". Other thing is that in South Africa, you cannot legally separate and she was going nowhere, so I was forced to D to get her out of the house - which is still gonna take another 5 Months!! But it's part of the journey.
As for the best outcome, well that's debatable. I have found myself and become the best person i could ever be. I have the self-confidence of The Hulk! So DB does work, but you need a guardian angel to carry you through.
Would i do anything different and save my M... well that was never my choice, was it?
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
It is good, thats one of the things about this forum. It talks about detachment and giving your toxic partner to your higher power. There is only one higher power.
Yet, the entire DB theory is somehow based on the premise that you have control over the things in your life. If you gym, learn to self-validate and 180 then your WW will start becoming romantically attracted to you again.
I believe that this whole thing has happened (to me at least) as the Higher Power is showing you something - your WW is fickle, and you're fickle for trying to hang on to someone that the Higher Power is taking away from you - why is He doing it - well, ask Him and you might just attain the POWER OF NOW! I have.
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
It is good, thats one of the things about this forum. It talks about detachment and giving your toxic partner to your higher power. There is only one higher power.
Yet, the entire DB theory is somehow based on the premise that you have control over the things in your life. If you gym, learn to self-validate and 180 then your WW will start becoming romantically attracted to you again.
I believe that this whole thing has happened (to me at least) as the Higher Power is showing you something - your WW is fickle, and you're fickle for trying to hang on to someone that the Higher Power is taking away from you - why is He doing it - well, ask Him and you might just attain the POWER OF NOW! I have.
Is this really your understanding of the DB theory? I couldn't disagree more with your summary.
DB says that the only thing or person you have control of is yourself. When your marriage is in trouble, you identify the "cheeseless tunnels"--those interaction patterns that you and your spouse repeat again and again that result in conflict or distance or whatever the trouble is. Then, you identify different responses (the 180s). You try those and see if that keeps you from ending up in the cheeseless tunnel. If it does, you keep that are your new normal response. If you still end up in the tunnel, you try a different response and see if that gets better results.
GAL activities are to help you learn to find fulfillment from other sources and to keep you from chasing after a spouse who wants distance.
There is no guarantee this will cause your spouse to be attracted to you again. Because you can't control your spouse.
I think it's important that we represent DB accurately.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Ok, Rose. I see what you're saying, my challenge of the DB theory is that each tunnel filled with cheese is a new behaviour that we reinforce. These new behaviours need to become second nature.
I was challenged before about self-validation. Personally the attachment reasons are that we LBS only looked for external validation of happiness, in our spouses. Part of being detached is finding internal happiness and in turn self-validation.
BUT, if we change our behaviour in order to get a reaction (attention) out of someone else, then we're simply just changing the way that we externally validate????
The GAL activities saved my life, it literally did. It helped me focus on myself and I am forever thankful for the DB theory. No one has to D, I just saw it as a goal in my quest to be more me, and I have achieved all my goals.
I am now 3 months sober I am 3 and a half months without porn, no sex, not even taking matters into my own hands. I now have self-control. I am 95% detached - i even told my XW that she must let me know when her new boyfriend is in town so that I can see inconveniences coming.
SO DB Works. I may not have saved my M, but I am the best person i can ever be!
Just cos things are going right, doesn't mean that they were always wrong.
Ok, Rose. I see what you're saying, my challenge of the DB theory is that each tunnel filled with cheese is a new behaviour that we reinforce. These new behaviours need to become second nature.
I was challenged before about self-validation. Personally the attachment reasons are that we LBS only looked for external validation of happiness, in our spouses. Part of being detached is finding internal happiness and in turn self-validation.
BUT, if we change our behaviour in order to get a reaction (attention) out of someone else, then we're simply just changing the way that we externally validate????
The GAL activities saved my life, it literally did. It helped me focus on myself and I am forever thankful for the DB theory. No one has to D, I just saw it as a goal in my quest to be more me, and I have achieved all my goals.
I am now 3 months sober I am 3 and a half months without porn, no sex, not even taking matters into my own hands. I now have self-control. I am 95% detached - i even told my XW that she must let me know when her new boyfriend is in town so that I can see inconveniences coming.
SO DB Works. I may not have saved my M, but I am the best person i can ever be!
I don't think in terms of changing my behavior to get a reaction out of H. I see myself as changing my behavior to get a different reaction. For example, H sometimes interrupts wih joking comments. I used to get irritated and snap at him when he did this. Or, I'd stop talking and pout. Then he'd be irritated with me, and the conversation would end.
Now, if I'm frustrated wih the interruptions, I stop talking. But I don't snap or pout, and when he says "Sorry, what were you saying?" I continue the conversation with no hard feelings.
For me, 180s are about ending cheeseless tunnels, and detaching is about being responsible for my own mood and happiness. They are two separate strategies, and they solve different problems.
I do agree that both need to become second nature.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I agree with you, but I think 180s not only end cheeseless tunnels, they also disrupt the spouse's thought pattern (or behavior). For example, if the WS wants to get a divorce, then the LBS can help the WS find information about getting a divorce (the process, the cost etc). Normally, the LBS is attempting to avoid any discussion of divorce, so doing the 180 throws the WS off-balance (the WS loves to be pursued).
Of course, we may both be saying the same thing and just using different terminology.
