My wife walked out 4

[RSG]

I feel like it's just an excuse to try to have a chat with me, and sometimes that I'm her go to when she's bored.

Not only is it an excuse for her, but it is controlling behavior.

Sandi, I see. Every weekday I have him, 8AM and somewhere between 5-6PM. How was dropoff? How was his day? She could look at the cameras in the AM to see how he is, and call the teacher in the PM to ask about his day.....IF she were that worried, and independent. She's used to her H answering these questions to put her mind at ease, because as a H it's no big deal. Still feel like an ahole sometimes because she gets really stressed and I believe has developed a blood pressure issue, but she needs to understand what D feels like. She likes to say "it's not your choice" (ie D or Reconciliation) but then gets huffy when I'm not instantly available. You know, like a H!! I don't think the woman has any concept as to what D would actually mean....

LT0402, I have become so much more confident. It's ironic, and kinda sad, but since this started at the beginning of 2016, my relationship w/my S has grown amazingly. He loves me more than ever, and it feels so good! He exhausts me, but those hugs and kisses put such smiles on my face. Dressing better, wearing cologne, shaving more regularly (and going beardless) has made me feel really good about how I look.

[RSG]

At 7 (when I believe she gets out of the gym) text me 5 times and called me twice about little guy. We went up for bed around 7:30, and I finally answered the next text. I told her "I understand you're worried about him" but he had a good day, is tired and we are going to bed. She said why can't you just tell me that, you know I worry. Then said, is there a reason you're not keeping me up to date on him. I reminded her I would send her updates about his day at or around bed, and encouraged her to check out the cameras at school during the day.

She mentioned, again, that she sends me pictures why can't I keep her updated like that. She just expects me to behave like her H did in March or something. She did say thank you about 5 times, finishing with one and I left it at that.

For the life of me, this is so confusing. How does she actually think this is going to continue? Divorce means contact will be next to dead. Nothing but money for his tuition and discussing who has him the next week. Reconciliation means we work on being a family again, and she would be treated as part of the family again (ie I would do H things again, as long as she worked on being W of course).

All that said, I DO appreciate her worrying about him. That is the normal Mommy I know, and it's nice to see that part of her is coming back. But I resent being thought of and depended upon as a H without getting diddly in return.

Sandi, is there a way I could convey the italicized part without coming across as a complete jackass? I can see throwing it in there during a serious R talk because she does listen when we have them, but I'm not initiating that so I have no idea when one will occur again.

[CT1118]

She mentioned, again, that she sends me pictures why can't I keep her updated like that. She just expects me to behave like her H did in March or something. She did say thank you about 5 times, finishing with one and I left it at that.

For the life of me, this is so confusing. How does she actually think this is going to continue? Divorce means contact will be next to dead. Nothing but money for his tuition and discussing who has him the next week. Reconciliation means we work on being a family again, and she would be treated as part of the family again (ie I would do H things again, as long as she worked on being W of course).

RSG, first off, I get the same thing...the thank you's when I send a pic, the "why don't you"'s when I don't, the "I am sorry" when my 180's function. I think it i all guilt, it is all pulse check. That said, you are right about the W w/ the kids. When I see see my WW w/ my S4...well this is that most difficult time. Their love for each other is why I love them the most, and when I certainly love WW the most. Almost jealous, seriously, her love for S4 will never betray. But I am not jealous, I said almost, and I hope for S4's sake she remains pure to him always.
To your next paragraph which I included, it always continues. Yes, MWD states this clearly in her books, but I have seen it. My brother had a horrific divorce spawned by an affair his W had. He tried hard, but days before the net and/or knowledge of DB, perhaps nonetheless, his marriage failed. That was a long time ago. Yet now, as his D23 gets older, his XW is till always in his life, always calling to discuss D23's future, looking out. It never goes away man. D does not mean contact is ever dead if there is a kid involved. My brother has a future I do not want, he hates it because even though he has re-M, and so has XW (my brother's WW and AP bucked the stats, M for 12 years plus)he still wishes she would have found a way to R. Anyway, I feel your pressure. not sure that I assisted.

[RSG]

Thanks. At least it's nice to know I'm not the only one who doesn't understand wtf they're doing! I don't see her often, but when I do see WW w/S now I see the woman I know and it makes me happy inside. I don't see the one who neglected him for 6+ months, who screamed at him for not going to bed an hour before he always did because she "had" to meet her trashy new friends (ie feed addiction), who only wanted to be his Mommy when it suited her.

Jeez, feel bad for your bro. I think my old lady knows that if we D, her silly idea of "being friends" is flushed. Or at least I'm trying to make that readily apparent.

Speaking of the pulse check. It seems like whenever I stand firm and ask her to do something, she follows through. I reminded her yesterday to check the cameras and that I'd update her around bedtime. Today? No texts. I've asked her not to go into the house unless S is with her, because I'm not comfortable. She did. I've told her not to speak to me in certain ways. She apologizes. I don't know what this means either lol. Is she just being nice so she can say she's being agreeable when D comes? Building brownie points for future use? Trying to temp check me? Genuinely trying to get along w/me? Ugh.

I too am starting to feel like others. I've hit a place, and I don't know how to keep going sometimes. I'm doing stuff for me, enjoying time with my boy, starting to do IC (next session supposed to be next T), feeling more and more positive about myself. But damn. I'm starting to feel like I just want a decision. I feel like I'm in limbo and it's awful. Patience is key, and I know I'm trying for S and the family he deserves.....but damn it's hard.

[RSG]

A bit of a setback this afternoon. Something in me just ripped open, and I had a bit of a crying fit around 2:30. Had a lump in my throat the next 2 hours and of course on the way home S had to ask "where's Mommy" 4 different times. I didn't do anything stupid like text "how are you" but I haven't been sad like this in a while.

As I watch my little guy devour some chips, I know I'm not a quitter. I'm prepared to D if that's where it goes, but I'm just going to keep pushing along.

[hawker]

Sorry for your little setback RSG....Limbo totally [censored]!!!! Its ok to have a crying fit in private! I go up and down...I think I"m ok and then bam I'm crying...hang in there for your boy!!

[lt0402]

I hear you RSG. Had my visit with IC this am and was gung ho about being ok. Fast forward to the drive home from work and I found my mind wandering to the weekend she went to see OM.

No clue where that came from but it definitely hurt. Been a week or so since something weighed on me like that. Back in an ok place now but it's tough. The randomness of thoughts is what kills me.

Hang in there brother, definitely not alone!

[cbtdad]

RSG,
I don't think you crying is a setback. You are doing nothing an awesome job with your S. You are showing him a strong independent man. And a strong independent man can shed a tear every now and then.
A setback would be texting your W all day and giving her access.
Continue to detach, continue to limit info to your W.
If you and your W divorce then do you plan on constantly giving her updates, etc?
Think about that. What does your life look like without W?
And when you understand that then you will know how to communicate and correspond with W
Don't be mean or rude, but you are living your life right now
Patience!!

[RSG]

RSG,
I don't think you crying is a setback. You are doing nothing an awesome job with your S. You are showing him a strong independent man. And a strong independent man can shed a tear every now and then.
A setback would be texting your W all day and giving her access.
Continue to detach, continue to limit info to your W.
If you and your W divorce then do you plan on constantly giving her updates, etc?
Think about that. What does your life look like without W?
And when you understand that then you will know how to communicate and correspond with W
Don't be mean or rude, but you are living your life right now
Patience!!

Thanks cbt. I'm doing well. I did trade texts with W last night. I was exhausted a took a "whoops" nap right around the time S went to sleep, and wokeup around 9 with frantic texts from W. Why aren't you updating me? Is everything ok? Are you upset with me? (This last one made me chuckle. REALLY? Are you seriously asking this? lol)

I had told her, per darkness recommendation, I would send updates after bed. I just said he had a good day and is asleep. We then discussed his schedule for next week, and I asked about next week availability for my counseling session. I'll be able to go next week, but thereafter I'm going to have to talk to the therapist because W school schedule simply won't work. I hope I can work something out, because I was starting to open up to my therapist. W mentioned for about the 4th time she's house sitting btw.

I did send 2 texts about periphery stuff re S I probably shouldn't have, luckily she said goodnight and it was left at that. She also continues to include scores of thank yous, sorry, using my name (now I don't use hers ever) etc.

This AM she said she was getting him early. I said ok. She sent a long paragraph about how she's trying to work so she can spend PM with him and asked if he'd like that. I said yes he would (probably didn't need to answer that, more rhetorical in nature). Then she went on about work, hoped I was doing ok at work and mentioned she's been busy. I didn't answer.

Picked up S around 12:30. Why she did so before naptime I don't understand, but she sent a bunch of texts about his day, how much she worries, he looked sad and she wanted to cry, etc. I just mentioned he got up really early, and that the actual school yr starts next week and will give him the structure he needs.


I don't know if I'm handling this right. She literally cannot do anything with S w/o me reassuring, explaining minutiae of his movements, etc etc. I'm so confused!

[CT1118]

RSG, The more I read your story the more I wonder if your WW is actually my WW and is bouncing between us on a secret life. Jokes of course.

I cannot explain what happened in my head a few days ago, but I changed. I am certain I am still on the roller coaster, but I am so much closer to accepting what was once unacceptable: the WW cannot be rationalized or rationed with, this behavior will last longer than we want or are ready for, I cannot save my WW, I cannot try to help my WW, I cannot control my WW, the WW does not care about the LBS (but in small moments they realize they want to or should), every action your WW takes is justifiable to themselves in the name of doing what they feel they have to do.

And realizations from the above: I control me. I can keep myself together. I can get through today. I can be nice and positive without giving in. If I give in, I learn from that behavior for the future.I will be better, no matter what happens in my life, I will be better.

All that said, yes, WW's are the most confusing thing which I have ever encountered, so I am not even going to contest your last statement. Stay cool my friend.