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Joined: May 2016
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I just got off the phone with my W. She is in extreme pain from a duodenal ulcer, and she has been suffering from it since last Thursday. I only found out about it Sunday as my D told me my W called and told her about it.

Last night I sent her an email going over the budget dollars I was sending her and at the end of the email I told her I was sorry to hear about her ulcer and to give her the status of the items I was trying to sell.

She responded by telling me the pain she was in and was so tired of her physical ailments she has had to deal with over the years. She has had 9 hernia operations, 4 miscarriages, multiple issues with her “woman parts”, and a couple of ACL tears. I’ve spent many hours with her in the hospital over the years. I’ve been rather lucky. I’ve been to the doctor a couple of times for dehydration about 25 years ago, and I had a kidney stone about 15 years ago. Other than that I’ve been pretty good health wise (not counting my dental problems).

I answered her email by expressing concern over her pain and briefly told her about the job offer I had in TN. She called me about 10 minutes after I sent the email. I soon as I heard her voice I knew she was in a lot of pain. She tried to talk to me about it but she would start crying when her pain became too intense. I felt so badly for her and my heart ached. I probably broke every DB principle out the door when I was on the phone with her, but my W was in so much physical pain I didn’t know what else to do. She did ask if I would watch our (her) dog for a week as she can’t pick the dog up or take care of her. She was really worried about asking me because she was afraid I would keep the dog from her. She was also afraid I would get angry about the dog as she is very accident prone in her old age. One of the many things I got angry about and took it out on my W was how I felt the dog was treating our house like a toilet. The dog has ruined the carpets and I was waiting for the dog to die before I pulled the carpet up and install new flooring.

I assured her I would not do anything to harm the dog and I wouldn’t get mad with the accidents. My D has a puppy in the middle of getting house trained so it’s not like I can do anything about it. Instead of steam cleaning my carpets monthly I will do it bi-weekly.

I am getting the dog tonight. I don’t know how long I will have her. My W has an appointment at the hospital tomorrow. They are talking possible surgery now. More to follow.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
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RDS,

In my opinion you did just fine. I hope your wife starts feeling better.

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You're doing great, RDS. You're taking care of your W - this is something she really needs at this time. I wouldn't even worry about DBing at this stage.

I'm in the middle of piecing myself. My wife had such a nasty sinus infection, she was literally draining blood from her nose. I got her medication, took care of her, took days off from work to help her - you have NO idea how well this helped us in our recovery.

I think your W will see your efforts and understand that you really want her back. You cannot go wrong in taking care of her needs at this time.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
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Agree with the above. This isnt about a ploy to win her back. in times of health issues, I think you do as a good person would do. It isnt about your R with her, it's about doing well you can to help an injured human.

That said, try not to get your expectations up that your efforts will change anything with regards to the course of your R.

Joined: May 2016
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Thanks guys, I appreciate it.

And darknes, rest assured I am not getting any hopes of getting back together because of this. I am worried about. I've seen her in pain before, and sometimes it's intense, but nothing like I heard in her voice today.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 293
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RDS Offline OP
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Joined: May 2016
Posts: 293
Busy the last couple of days. Tuesday I had an IC appointment, had lunch with my cousin (who had a devastating D a few years ago), a DB coach appointment, and discovered my W was admitted to hospital due to her stomach pains.

Just as my W used to do that would anger me, she didn’t let anyone know she was going to the hospital until after the fact, so then it leaves everyone scrambling. I had to find out through text message. I texted her after I had dinner to work out the details of picking up her dog for a few days while she recovered from her ulcer. She responded by saying when she gets out of “XYZ” hospital. Now XYZ hospital is about 40 minutes from the town we live in. There are 2 hospitals within minutes from here, but she had to go to the one downtown. I found out later her hernia doctor works out from the downtown hospital and he wouldn’t be able to see her if she went to the nearby hospitals. I had to pick the dog up from her BF around midnight. During the night we talked on the phone about what she was going through. She was in a “wait and see” position. I told her to give me a call when she heard something. She called me about 3 AM and told me they were going to admit her to the hospital for observation. This is after she had been there for hours already. They still didn’t have a room for her so she was basically in a hospital bed in a hallway.

Discovered it wasn’t her hernia causing her the intense pain, but she had an intestine blockage caused by her small intestine twisting. The doctors prescribed her pain medication and continued to monitor her. They wanted to see if bed rest would allow it to work itself out or if surgery would be needed.

Anyway, I did visit my W in the hospital last night. I wasn’t going to as I did not want to cause her (or myself) any stress. In the past she always felt I only visited her in the hospital out of “duty” and not any real concern. I admit I did visit because I felt it was something I had to do, but I also did it because I did care about her. I didn’t particularly enjoy visiting her before because I never got the vibe she appreciated me being there with her. Almost everyone who knows her knows she is not a very good patient to be around at times.

My D visited my W yesterday after she got off work. My D works downtown so it was easy for her to swing by and see her mother. My D called and said my W welcomed me to come see her. I quickly took a shower and drove the 40 minutes to see her. During the trip I did swing by my W’s BF and picked up her glasses. My W and left them in the BF’s car when she took her to the hospital.

The visit went very well. I was there about 90 minutes. We didn’t talk about us, so no issues were brought up to cause tensions to rise. Luckily, she didn’t get any visitors while I was there. I don’t think too many people know my W is in the hospital. It was just the two of us.

Not to get too nitty-gritty, but she pulled up her gown to show her belly and the aftereffects of her plastic surgery/tummy tuck she has had done. She even pulled down her panties to show off the work around her privates. It was all so nonchalant. I only commented about her tummy. Her tummy looks much better. I had lots of thoughts when she pulled her panties down, but wisely I kept my mouth shut.

She struggled to get out of bed so we could hug warmly. When I left I bent down to give her a hug and a slight kiss on her check. No ILY was exchanged.

It seems like the bed rest did the trick. I just got off the phone with my W. She was able to eat this morning without vomiting and she is pain free. Her last pain medication was at 11 PM last night. It looks as if she will be released today and her BF is going to pick her up. I will see her again tomorrow morning at a meeting place to give the dog back to her and then I probably won’t see her again for a couple of weeks. I am not reading anything into this, but it is nice to converse with my W with no tension in the air. I’m sure there are going to be a lot of dark days ahead, but currently we are not at each other’s throats so I have to see that as a good thing.
.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 293
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I met my W this morning at a nearby convenience store to give the dog back to her. Before she arrived she called to tell me she was running a little late. I could tell she had taken a shower before she left her place as her hair was still wet. We hugged each other warmly when she got out of her car. She said she used to be afraid to tell me she would be running behind, but she knew I wouldn't get angry with her now for it. I confirmed I did not get mad. I didn't even get annoyed.

She continually thanked me for caring for her(our) dog the last few days. We had small talk and then I told her I had to go to work. We hugged each other again and I left to go into the store. I glanced back at her and she was watching me and her look was the look I used to get from her in happier times. I'm not going to lie, it was a good feeling.

I just have to keep telling myself there are going to be bad days ahead and not get tied into what seems to be going on.

I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing. Rain or shine.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 293
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Posts: 293
It’s been an up and down trip for me the last few days. Friday morning I was in great mood, and then I wasn’t. Without my knowledge I was slated to go to TN to help out in an emergency. I was highly pissed because I would have had to go on a Sunday and come back later this week. I didn’t really mind going, it was just the idea people above me made all the plans without consulting me. Turns out the emergency situation diffused itself. I’m still going to TN, but it will only be for a few hours to get orientation under my belt. Having the trip cancelled put me in a better mood.

During the day my W called me at work and we chatted for about 15 minutes. Again, a good, friendly talk.

When I got home I got an email from my L. The email contained my W’s counter claim for financial support. My L already told me a couple of weeks ago what was in the counterclaim. To actually see her demands in writing is gut wrenching. She is basically asking for the moon and back. A couple of weeks ago I called her on it and told her there is no way I could afford to give her everything she is requesting and still pay for everything. I don’t understand why I should have to pay for everything because I take high stress jobs and she takes a job that pays barely above minimum wage. I would love to have jobs like that, but I also live in the real world where bills have to get paid by me.

The dreaded “D” word was sprinkled throughout the document. I know it’s probably a normal legal procedure but it still hurts. My L is going to contact her L and see if my proposed financial support will work. If my W declines it then I know she isn’t serious about working things out fairly. If she tries to get everything she is asking for I will have to warn her my claws will come out to protect myself. I don’t know how much it will help me but if I don’t go that route then I know it will hurt me.

Friday night she sent me a friendly text filled with funny and happy emojis. I smiled and only replied “cute”.

Early afternoon Saturday she called me just as I finished doing yardwork. She was really excited about watching a movie on Netflix at her BFF’s house and she had to tell me about it. We talked for about 30 minutes about the movie and everything else under the sun. Of course there was no talk about us or our R. It really was like old times, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking of the counterclaim she sent. I don’t know if she knows I know about it.

I called her Saturday night after I saw the movie. It was a decent movie, but it was a very emotional movie based on a true story and my W really gets into movies like it. Her demeanor was a bit off then. She seemed cold and detached. I know I have to expect that but it’s still jarring. We only talked a few minutes before I told her goodbye. It wasn't a fun conversation.

Sunday I emailed her about some stuff I put on Craigslist. Her reply was only a “thanks” for both emails. Again, I know I can’t read into it, but I can’t help it.

And now today, I got some really sad news. My daughter has accepted a position in Dallas, TX and will be moving out within a week. I know this was coming because the entire time she was working towards her Masters she said she wanted to move to the Dallas area. My house is already lonely with her and her dog there, but now it’s going to feel like a tomb when she is gone. We’ve been a team the last couple of years. When we got back from her graduation in May and found out my W had left I made her promise me she wouldn’t stop her dreams because of me. I will keep a happy face for her and help her as much as possible but I can't help but feel my heart has been ripped out again.

These last few months have sucked.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 293
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I'm having a really tough time of it the last couple of days; especially today. I had a 7 hour drive up to TN today so I was alone in my thoughts the whole time. And no matter how I tried my mind kept wandering back to my W.

A good portion of the drive I've traveled dozens of times previously and my W was with me on a lot of those trips. It seemed everything reminded me of her. Hell, I used to call her when I was on the road, even in our worst times, and chat with her to pass the time. I caught myself a couple of times instinctively reaching for the phone to call her.

It seems it's gotten harder now since we've been communicating to not to reach out to her and discuss ur R and beg her back. I know I can't do that but I'm afraid I will get weak and do it. We have talked more in the last month than we have in the last two years. Laughing and talking about everything under the sun (except our R) makes me really resent what I became to turn her away from me.

The court date keeps looming in my head. I'm so afraid if I go into court with guns blazing to protect myself financially it might ruin any chance with my W.

Anybody have suggestions?


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 293
R
RDS Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: May 2016
Posts: 293
Journaling again.

It’s be about 2 weeks since I last posted. Not a whole lot to report, but on OTOH there is much to report.

My daughter accepted a job in TX and moved out Friday and she starts her new job tomorrow. When she first got the job I knew she would not only be moving out of the house again, but she would be moving halfway across the country. I was sad knowing that. I’m not sad anymore. I’m actually excited for her. It is not too depressing being in my big house alone as I thought it would be. In many ways it’s fun living the single life in my house.

There is a lot of work I want to do around the house, but I don’t see the point as it looks as if I will be selling the house soon.

My W and I have been communicating almost daily for the last 3 weeks and when we do talk it is for long periods. I really enjoy our conversations. She still hasn’t recovered since her hospital stay a couple of weeks ago as she can’t hold any food down. So her health has been a big part of our talks. But we do talk about other things.

Only mention of our R is she flatly told me she is not ready to talk about us getting back together since it’s only been 3 months and there is a lot of hurt she has to heal from, but she also didn’t outright claim our R is over forever. I validated and agreed with her as I know there are still lots of work I have to do for myself.

I admit it does get a bit tiring always being the person in the wrong.

We did have a lunch date today as I used my truck to pick up something she needed for her studio apartment. She was really appreciative of my help. I felt like a high school kid on his first date. I was so giddy being around her. I kept thinking just 3 months ago my mind would wander everywhere but to where I was with her. I caught myself looking at the clock counting the minutes we had together and dreading when we got home and she would go her separate way again.

I did ask her if we ever got back together would she want to move back into the house. She emphatically told me she never wants to move back in this house as she sees it as her prison she had to deal with for the last 5 years. That was a stake through the heart. This was our dream house we built to our specifications years ago, but I have to agree this house lost its magic years ago. It’s not a home anymore. It’s just a house I live in. I did comment that the house might have been a prison but she was free to come and go as she pleased. She agreed with that comment and she also said that the prison warden (me) was an a**hole most of the time but there were times where I was a good warden. Now I have to get this house ready to sell. There is a lot of work ahead of me to get that done in the next few months.

A new place to live is what I need to cleanse my soul.

I much prefer to talk and text with her. I love seeing and being with her but afterwards I want back with her in the worst way because being with her exposes what I don’t have anymore. It’s depressing.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
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