Please Help Me!

[MoveFrwd]

I'm going to try not to from now on.

I think with goals like this, you will be setting yourself up for failure.

Just say "Im not going to do it anymore". Then dont.

[BishopB]

For now get to step one.
Detach.
Just be aware that there are more steps ahead.

Working on that now. Thanks Cadet.

[BishopB]

Just say "Im not going to do it anymore". Then dont.

[BishopB]

Thank you Darkness. That is a good mantra.

[Surfer]

Trumpet. Great response. Can you help define how you should not be a friend? My DB coach says to be kind, helpful and go out of your way for the WW if you get a good reaction. If you don't know if she is still contacting the OM - as she is in a separate house this is tricky. Any thoughts on how to define the boundary between being kind, helpful etc but not being a friend?

Thanks.

[trumpet]

Surfer,

Good question. Going out of your way to do something for her? No. When she asks for help to do something? Maybe - depends on if she's using you, or if you had the only access to solve the problem, I'd consider helping. Taking an extra day with the kids so she can be with OM? No way. Put down a boundary - say no, I'm sorry (that's important, don't be a jerk), but I'm already committed to that time, that evening, that day, etc.

Texts to you - ignore. Spew - ignore. Her complimenting you on something? Wait, then just text back a one word 'thanks'.

To me, getting a good reaction out of a wayward, while they are still wayward, is just them using you. They see that their verbal manipulation still works, and they are delighted.

There is talk about waywards hitting bottom. I think it comes differently for everyone. For my wayward ex-wife, it could be never. She has so much baggage that she blames on everyone else. Others take a few months, during a separation, without contact, and figure it out. Some take as little as a couple days. Hitting bottom with a wayward is Plan A is gone, and so is plan B. Some go to a plan C, and then D, etc. to get their emotional fix. They can't fix themselves, so onto the next guy! You will have been long gone by then, and have healed to the point you don't need her. I think that's the goal, unfortunately, for most LBS... it's getting to the point you're completely self-sufficient. You might long for a relationship, but you don't NEED the relationship.

For my ex, it was her having enough of life, of me, but her never expressing what she was feeling, what she desired, or if she did, it was things I can't fix for her that did us in. If she can't tell me what she wants, and what she wants is what I can't give her (self-esteem and a PMA), then we're both guilty of being really bad communicators. I played a role - the typical male role - bury feelings, and get angry.

So, imagine your WW/WS as the next door neighbor. Need a cup of sugar? No problem. Watch the place for a couple days on vaction? Yes, can do! Give you hugs and kisses, and then you text OM all night long? NO WAY! Every time you want a piece of your wayward, you're secretly telling them that plan B is in place.

I think verbalizing this in a sit-down is probably best, for those of us nice guys who have said yes to anything in the past. You have to be able to stick to the words written. I've seen a few online, as I was planning on giving 'I'm not going to live in an open marriage, take a few days, and get back to me' letter to her. I did it verbally, we toyed with reconciliation, but the EA/PA really did need to run it's course.

My hangup, BTW, is in how wrong this all is, and how my ex, who was so good at seeing right and wrong, letting the lies, the deceit, the hurt for the kids, all be ok, as long as she got her OM fix. Coming to acceptance that I'll never know what got her to think comitting adultery and divorce were not only permitted, but actually something God told her to do. That she will be blessed with all her mistakes she's making.

Not understanding wayward logic, seeing my kids hurt, and realizing I have to forgive her to move on - my three hurdles right now.