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#2692451 07/25/16 09:17 AM
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New thread time. I haven't had this many threads in years. But like Job said, I do receive so much great support, which is why I always end up back here when things get rough. Thank you, JOb. Again, your post just made me feel so loved it was like a big virtual hug which I needed right now. And thank you grl and sunny for the kind words and hugs. I really do need them right now.

Tomorrow is 15 years since my mother passed. These few days at the end of July are just anniversaries of losses for me and are always rough. These were things I tried so hard to hold onto and lost anyways. 2 relationships I gave my soul to work and they didn't.

I had a nice weekend with D and some friends. D got 2 sleepovers with friends this weekend, one at my house and one at a friend's house. She got pool time, dinner time, shopping time, everything.

I start my new course today, one I am not well versed in, and the assignments look tedious. I have to manage to get everything done during the week, plus 2 doctors appts, because I have a full weekend. I am getting an estimate from a cleaning company Thursday because I can't keep up. I may even skip my last week at the gym before cheerleading practice starts next week (3 nights a week all of august).

I am also going through something that I think is taking a big emotional toll on me but I can't discuss here.

Something will give, soon, I'm sure.

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Previous Thread:

Getting closer to peace


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2692472 07/25/16 10:25 AM
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Hello Ginger1 - I've just read a few of your posts and it made me think of a thought I've been having for a few weeks.

We're looking for a comforting narrative to our lives.

Most of us here have accepted that our M is over and many are comfortable with that. But we are haunted by our take on what happened. You mention, for instance, that you feel 'robbed' of your future. I get it, it's the same for me. Being 'robbed' though is one way to look at it and it's one that's likely to create anger and resentment. It is not a fact. The fact is that our partners left when we wanted them to stay.

Now we decide how we frame it: Is it robbery? Is it freedom? Is it betrayal? Is it relief? Is it renewal? Is it opportunity?

This framing, this perspective, this angle is our choice alone. At BD, it's impossible to feel anything but pain and anger. But over time, we regain the power to look at things a certain way. To come up with a new interpretation of our life. On that doesn't necessarily put the D in the middle of it, for instance. One that sees us from birth until now, and more, with different relationships in them. And a future up for the taking.

Nobody wins from the framing our lives in a painful way. We might resent our X for leaving, but it doesn't impact their lives; only ours. So maybe it's a matter of finding a narrative that's comforting to us and allows us to accept and embrace what happened in order to fuel our new future.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Hi Ginger, I think Mozza is spot on with the reframing suggestion. It is true that the future you had planned was taken away by his decision. But that didn't rob you of your future, just that particular future together with him. And your future without him will I'm sure be filled with joys, blessings and some trials and tribulations too.

I think to say he robbed you of your future gives away some of your personal power, which you can reclaim back to build the future you want for yourself...xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thanks for the suggestions. I completely understand what you are saying. I've reframed it many times, I know I am happy not to be with him anymore. When I got past the hurt and devastation I was pretty excited for a new future. I reframed it as freedom from his mistreatment of me.

I was just reading Zeus' post And he mentioned spinning Inge into a positive. Many positive things did actually come from my divorce. But the reality is, not only did he rob me of a future with him as a family, I cannot deny that the D has made pretty much everything in my life infinitely more difficult, even in my life beyond him. But that's just victim mentality I guess and I don't want to carry that around. Somethings just aren't fair. Like you said sotto, I hate to give him so much power.

ive just got a lot on my emotional plate right now. And my plate in general . Trying to figure out how to do it and deal with it alone exhausts me physically and mentally. I admit, going to exNg's was such a wonderful beautiful escape. When I was with him nothing else mattered. I felt so relaxed and peaceful. And never sad except when I had to leave.

Eh. I'm going to really try to think positive.

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Ginger, I hear you about being robbed of a family. Which is why I think that you're a great person.

You are being nice and civil to your x and the oww, despite feeling robbed of a family. You are able to act differently from your feelings of loss. That is already a great DB success.

I have curbed the urge to ice pick the x and the TPT's cars but in the near and distant future, I cannot see myself doing what you're doing. Civil is probably what I can muster, and nothing more.

I am sorry that you have so many things on your plate now. But it seems that your R with xNG really threw you into a loop.

I have no doubt that XNG is a much nicer man than xh but it seems that he may have just have different distancing strategies from your xh.

(((Ginger)))


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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Hey G,

Just popped in to say Hi! Give little G a hug from her Disney Pal too!

I understand about anniversaries and it seems your Mom passed the same summer me ex left. The pain does subside in time but never disappears completely. My Mom's death (12 years ago) still brings back sadness and I've been thinking of that time more recently as my Dad is in his final years (months?). My Mom's death, funeral and my divorce decree all came within 4 days!

I realized last week that it was 40 years since I married ex. Wow! Didn't think of it til late that night. My only regret? That I didn't end it sooner. That I believed for too long. That I hung in there and gave credit where no credit was due.

My guilty pleasure is watching the Bachelor/ Bachelorette. Not realistic but it makes you think about how we choose a partner. Is it chemistry? Passion? Affirmity? Security? I guess it's a combination of both. They get a glimpse into the other persons life with the Hometown dates then imagine themselves with that future. And they get to choose.

The hardest part for me was that I didn't get to Choose my "Reframing" initially. Most of us are here because of the shock of that. We were suddenly and unceremoniously robbed of the future we planned. But somewhere along the way - we accept that we are in charge of our own destiny. And we do get to choose.

When I realize that ex was not the man I married, not the kind of person who shared my goals and values - I realize the gift of freedom I was given. There have been struggles for sure - but richer rewards too. I appreciate things I used to take for granted. Like not waking up to the stress and depression I felt with ex.

You and little G are very vibrant girls. I felt that strongly when we met. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" could be your theme song. I really enjoyed our time together. Why not continue to enjoy the time you have with her before she becomes a teen and wants to lock you out of her world? Forget about dating a little while longer. You really are doing fine. If Mr Wonderful sees you having fun and asks to join you - you decide. But don't go looking for him. I found that my Mom time flew by too quickly. Probably because I was spread so thin and focussed on some of the things that were going wrong in my life. Trouble is - you can't get that time back.

Ashley and I are going out tonight. Never happens much anymore. Dinner followed by painting and cocktails. She has recently reframed her life. And things are just so awesome. And I am so happy for her despite seeing less of her. I truly envy you still having your time with little G.

Big hugs to you. You will do fine on your new course. Hang in there my friend!

Barb

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Hey Ginger,

I second what Barb said. Well, said, Barb!!!

Back when I got a diagnosis on D19, let me tell you it was one of the lowest points of my life. Even though I knew she was different, I held out hope that she was delayed and that she'd catch up with therapy and the efforts of her dad and me and our love for her. Needless to say, I put myself back into therapy shortly after that.

My IC back then said something that resonates with me to this day, and it applies to you or any of us with dreams and plans. It went something like this... our life is a tapestry. We spend years weaving the threads with our experiences, relationships and plans, and expect to spend our lives adding to that tapestry, expanding and perfecting it. When D19 was diagnosed, it was like a thief came in and took a sharp knife and slashed it to pieces. It was irreparable and could never be put back together again as it was.

As I sat in my chair and wept, she offered me hope by saying, "And I bet it never occurred to you that you are one of the lucky ones who gets a complete do-over. What if you were someone who kept at the tapestry, but didn't feel happy when you saw it? What if you outgrew it, but felt obligated to keep at it? Now you start over. Look at it as something positive, but allow yourself to grieve over what was squashed due to circumstances beyond your control."

That was the day I decided to let myself create a new plan. And the funny thing now? I can't imagine what my life would be like if D19 were in college and someone different. I know I would have celebrated it if she were typical, but I certainly don't look at her as a failed experiment.

I think this follows well with Barb's comments about choice. Sure as night follows day, lets say that you and XH stayed married, but he was a secretive cheater. You had a couple more kids and they never got the chance to see you the way you really are? That you struggled with knowing he was unfaithful, stuck your head in the sand and plugged on... only to have him walk out when the kids were out of high school and you had put all your faith in his plan? There are plenty of folks here who have that fate. They live their lives in a semi unhappy state, because their spouse isn't really plugged in to their relationship except in name and paper? I think that's a death sentence.

You, on the other hand, are young, vibrant and able to create and design your life - not live it by default. What a true blessing!

Now for this (what Barb wrote):

Quote:
Why not continue to enjoy the time you have with her before she becomes a teen and wants to lock you out of her world? Forget about dating a little while longer. You really are doing fine.


Not to say this is right for everyone, this is what I chose to do. Ginger, I can't tell you often enough that I am SO glad I chose this path. They grow up so quickly and then they're gone. I still don't completely have my head wrapped around the fact that a short 4 years ago, my D22 and I could barely stand each other and she was leaving for college (not a minute too soon, either). Now she's graduated, working and living on your side of the country. I'm not sad... but it is different. And it makes me (and her as well) glad that we were able to do all the things together that we did when she was living in my home. When I joined this BB, she had just turned 9. It goes by so quickly. I have zero regrets about not dating.

Like Barb, I look at you and feel really nostalgic and wishful of having that time back. Although I don't have regrets about anything, the only thing I wish I could have done better was to focus on joy when I was living in that moment 100%. I miss having her and her friends around. I went from having a bunch of teenage girls in my house until 2012 to having none - it was incredibly weird.

So enjoy all of your D9 while you have her. Just look at how much time has flown while you've been on this BB. She was an infant yesterday and now she's heading for her teenage years.

I join Barb in the virtual hug! Love and miss you!

Betsey

p.s. Barb, now my D22 is making plans on coming home for Thanksgiving AND Christmas. She told me last week, "There is NO way I'm not spending my holidays with you guys at home." I think you have to go through the pain to get to the good... wink


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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My ladies! I want to promise you all that I'm not dwelling again on the outcome of this whole mess. Yes, the D-date and my mom's death date do pull up a lot of "what-if's" in my life. I lost a lot with both of those. Things I fought so hard for.

Getting the chance for a do-over has been both a blessing and a curse. I am young, or was for that matter, lol, but I was held to the constraints of having an infant and getting a do-over on my own within the consquences of his actions. But like you said, Betsey, it has shaped the R that me and my little one has. I wouldn't trade it in. And I do know that my life would have royally stunk because he would have continued mistreating me and cheating on me, more kids would have come along, and I would have been miserable and eventually very hurt. I know this happened for the better, even if in a really crappy way.

Barb, we are filled with life and love and all the great things. Thank you for recognizing that (as I see it in you too). I do love the things life has to offer. I'm upset I am having hard time finding the joy I once used to, but I got a glimpse of it the other day. In D9's first Zumba class with me, I was watching her and she had sucha huge smile on her face, my heart just lit up. It felt good.

As far as the dating goes..... Just remember, I've been divorced since 28 pretty much, with very little dating mixed in and a 6 month R. It's a little different than someone having a partner through these years then just focusing on their kids. Most of my prime years have been spent on living for my kid and rebuilding life. I enjoy the time I spend with her, we do stuff we both enjoy together, and I am sucking it in now as I know it won't be here forever. I get told a lot they can't understand why I am not taken or I don't have a boyfriend or that I can't find anyone. I don't because I don't look, and because my activities do not put me in the path of a guy. My time is spent with friends and their families, at events or their houses. I go out to bars, dinner, take my exercise classes (mostly women, women with a few married men mixed in) and the such, but I am certainly not looking for Mr. right at a bar, and I am not the type to flirt with guys in those scenes. And when I am out and about with the kid, it is just assumed with such a young kid I am married. I could actively sit down and search online but you are right, that is not where I want to devote my time. I got fortunate enough to meet exNG at a party through mutual friends.He would literally just have to walk into my life. So, al the talk I do, I don't even pursue it. it's is where I am and I guess where I am meant to be.

I miss you both very much. I had so much fun in the time I got to spend with you, as did D. I was scrolling to Disney pics and I love the one of barb and D waiting to see the fireworks. I lost a few in my phone, so if you could barb, send me any you have!

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Back atcha!

Quote:
I get told a lot they can't understand why I am not taken or I don't have a boyfriend or that I can't find anyone.


G, I've heard this from men and women since the get go. I use to spend a lot of time being a wordsmith: you know. Finding what I want to say that was the truth. The fact is that most people are very uncomfortable with people who are comfortable not being paired up. It's *their* projection. With each passing year, I just said, "Because I'm 100% focused on enjoying where I am right now." That was also a bust, because I then got lectures from folks who wouldn't hesitate to say that I couldn't live through my daughter. Sigh.

Now? LOL. Rather than be honest with people - because they seem to feel obliged to point out that I'm wrong - I tell them what they don't want to hear, even if it isn't the truth. LOL. I just tell them, "Why would I want a man? I hate them!" They tend to shut down and tsk away. I must say that I prefer that response.

The fact is, that I'm open to it. Provided he walks into my life like a normal person and we get to know each other off the computer. I'm willing to wait for it. I'll wait forever. And if it doesn't happen, I'm just going to go with my plan...

I can honestly tell you that people won't be so ready to pressure you in 10 years or so. For some reason, the older you get, the more you find people honest and willing to admit they wish they had been able to figure out that they didn't have to lose themselves in a marriage. Go figure. We're not those women, G. smile

Here's to dodging bullets!

Now, off to Westminster. TTYL!

Bets


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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