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Welcome, but sorry to see you here Coly. While I don't like seeing new people here, it makes me feel a bit more connected to see another female here. It seems the majority of DBers are male. We're all in this together though.

I wouldn't place too much importance on the fact that he said he didn't love you. People say all sorts of things when they're angry. If he's still greeting you with a kiss, I'd say that's out of love not just habit. I don't know your H, but just IMO.

Personally, I would continue with the kisses, but that's just me.


M 24 H 27
together 6 • married 3.5
BD round #3: 07/10/2016
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Hi bodhi, thank you and sorry to also see you here. I am also suprise at the number of male DBers on here but It gives me comfort to know that men are just as caring and eager to save their marriages and I don't mean that in a condescending way at all!

Just a question to throw out there for you DBers. Whilst going semi dark-dark my H still has a lot of contact with my daughter. After a few dodgy weeks of her being very angry with him they are now communicating on a daily basis. Whilst I am over the moon that they are still able to carry on a relationship am I being unreasonable in thinking that he might feel he has no reason to contact me at all? After all she can fill him in with what's been going on in our lives. For example we went into the City at the weekend for a show so he texted and called her to find out how it went. I want to GAL and seem a little mysterious but if he is checking up on me through my daughter it makes me mad! I have suggested that if he asks how we are she should only talk about herself and what she has done unless we have done a family activity. Any suggestions?


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Starting to feel down again and very tearful. Had a really good cry before I left for work this morning and thought that would be it but this afternoon is tough as well. Just started thinking that August is going to be an awful month when usually it is a month of celebrations. D15 and me will be going on holiday without H for the first time in eight years, the day we get back will be our sixth wedding anniversary and two days after that will be my birthday. I am hoping the holiday will help me detach and maybe knock the one day a week family evening on the head so H and D15 make their own plans to see each other. The only problem is because I don't know what is going on in H's head I can't tell if this is helping him to reconnect to me. I have set my goals and one of the ways I will know if we are reconnecting is if he contacts me to find out how I am.... Do you think I should continue with the arrangement for a few more weeks and then if no progress towards my goals then try something else or should I keep going and if so for how long? We have had a couple of false starts with this arrangement and my daughter seems to like it but every time he goes home it tears me apart...


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Originally Posted By: Coly23
I am also suprise at the number of male DBers on here


Seems to me there are far more men here then women.

Originally Posted By: Coly23
if he is checking up on me through my daughter it makes me mad!


I would be happy if my W was curious about me ...

It would be far better if your H communicated directly with you but ...


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Thanks ForGump, I guess I'm just being impatient for my communication goal to be accomplished!

I felt low again last night especiay after reading on here someone saying that most DBsrs on here won't reconcile with their partners and that reconciliation is rare. I know a big part of DBing is to improve yourself no matter what the out outcome but at the end of the day I am primarily using these tools to get my marriage back on track but now I feel there is very little hope....


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Just heard that a friend of ours is going into a hospice after a very long battle with cancer and only has a few weeks to live. I was crying my eyes out this morning for a selfish man who has left me and his step daughter to pursue a single life however for me this is a wake up call. This lovely woman is leaving behind a loving husband and two young children who have only seen strength, determination and love in their parent's marriage. I am so sad for them all and I pray that God gives them strength at this time.


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Originally Posted By: Coly23
now I feel there is very little hope....


I'm sorry to say -- both for you and for me -- that I think by the time a marriage gets to a point where a spouse has chosen to separate in-house or into another house, severe damage has already been done to the marriage, and that spouse has already taken a huge mental and emotional leap ... and they are highly unlikely to take the leap back into the marriage.

Which is why many tell you that you have to consider the old marriage dead, and try to be a new, attractive person that the spouse would fall into love with -- but that also seems to me a highly unlikely event.

Sorry, for both of us....


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Thanks ForGump, you sound as down about the whole thing as me. How is your sitch going at the moment?


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,065
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Coly23 Offline OP
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H is due to come over tonight to have dinner with us. Tonight is the first time I feel really nervous about seeing him but not in a good way. Although it's only been a week since I have gone semi dark I already feel like he is a stranger to me. The feelings I had for him are starting to get buried beneath the hopelessness and complete lack of control over the situation. Maybe this is acceptance? I feel so utterly sad about the situation especially as he seems quite happy to come over once a week to have dinner with us and then walk away at the end of the evening. I know I can't know what he is thinking but in my heart I feel that he definitely does not have any love for me as a husband to a wife. Maybe he is a little fond of me or tolerates me for the sake of my step daughter. I've just got to take a deep breath and put my best smile on this evening and then consider whether this arrangement is working for me or not....


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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My situation is bad, no sign of any changes in my W's feelings and her overall intent to get a D.

Interesting to hear you say your feelings are getting buried. Could be a good thing, that you're on your way to recovery from a dysfunctional relationship.

In any case, I think the general advice given here is right, that things don't get better by trying to fix the marriage, you just work on being the best person you can be, and hope that draws your H to you, and inspires him to work on himself too.

I wish the best for you.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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