New here and separated

[Raul]

Coly23, welcome. I'm in the same situation as you. W left and now renting an apartment. Told me she never loved me. She took off her ring too. I did not suspect she was seeing anyone, but it turn out she was having an EA with OM. I too was pleading, begging, giving her gifts and flowers to try to come back. But it pushed her further away. I have taken advice here about going dark. So far, 5 days & NC. I notice that she will text to try to start a conversation, but I had fallen for that before. I would go NC for 4 days, she will text small talk. I enthusiastically respond, she would then get angry. But sound to me that your H is more leveled out, as he isn't playing games with you. Do you suspect another woman?

[Coly23]

Hi Raul, I am sorry you also find yourself on this board. I'm not sure if H is seeing anyone else. I have asked him and he has denied it but that doesn't mean anything as I have seen from some of the situations here. I think only time will tell. He is level headdd and quite the opposite to me as I am quick to react and wear my heart on my sleeve! He is also quite stubborn though and I think once he has made a decision he is inclined to stick with it even if he realises it might be the wrong one. I have decided to go 'dark' also but he does come around once a week to see my daughter and we have dinner together so it's not completely 'dark' but I have managed NC since last Friday and I feel it's getting easier. One thing I'm not sure about is he always kisses me when he arrives and leaves. I'm not sure if I should be encouraging that or discouraging it as at the end of the day he left me and said he didn't love me (although now back peddling) so why should I want him to kiss me! But then it makes me feel closer to him, it's so confusing! How long will you go 'dark' for and do you know if W is still in contact with OP?

[ForGump]

so why should I want him to kiss me!

Because you want him to feel connected to you, consciously and subconsciously. As long as it doesn't mess w/ your own head too much. It's not about what makes logical sense, I think -- it's about what works.

I'd walk a thousand miles right now for a kiss from my W.

[Coly23]

Hi ForGump, thanks for your response and maybe you are right, it does make me feel connected. On your previous comment when you said you have mostly cried for your children I can relate to this. My daughter's biological Dad has not seen her since she was seven, she is now fifteen. This is his choice. My H is aware of this and on our wedding day he stood up in front of everyone and promised to be the Dad to her that she deserves. This is the bitterest pill to swallow because yet again she has been let down. It has been the cause of many a sobbing session to...

[Coly23]

Feeling much stronger today. After deciding to go 'dim to dark' and only sending one text to WAH since last Friday (about money) I just got a joint text from H to both me and my daughter about coming over to us on Friday this week with a takeaway. I know this is for him to see his step-daughter and not me but the pre-last Friday Coly23 would have gone back within minutes saying how lovely that would be. However the new Coly23 is going to sit on it for a few hours before I respond, after all I am quite a busy woman!!

[ForGump]

Hi ForGump, thanks for your response and maybe you are right, it does make me feel connected.

The important thing is that the physical intimacy (kissing) makes HIM feel connected to you. I know you can't easily tell, but that would be the reason to keep doing it.

If it only stokes YOUR feelings but is meaningless to him, I'd stop it. It's about what works for him to keep valuing you marriage.

[ForGump]

p.s. But don't place too much importance on physical affection... I have seen many people here talk about how one week they're having sex and the next week the spouse wants a divorce. People engage in physical affection even when their feelings are totally confused and/or very far away.

[MoveFrwd]

Hi ForGump, thanks for your response and maybe you are right, it does make me feel connected.

The important thing is that the physical intimacy (kissing) makes HIM feel connected to you. I know you can't easily tell, but that would be the reason to keep doing it.

If it only stokes YOUR feelings but is meaningless to him, I'd stop it. It's about what works for him to keep valuing you marriage.

In my opinion, I wouldn't want to do anything physically with someone that I suspected was involved with someone else.

[ForGump]

In my opinion, I wouldn't want to do anything physically with someone that I suspected was involved with someone else.

Good point.

Cancel my advice.

[Coly23]

Thanks both. I don't have any evidence (as yet) that he is seeing someone else but I'm certainly not at the stage of wanting anything more physical than a peck on the cheek!!