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#2692514 07/25/16 01:33 PM
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Hi everyone, I've just joined the DB forum and like most newbies I am very confused with the whole DBng. I've bought DR which I am currently reading but would love some help with where I am at the moment.

My husband walked out in May this year. It wasn't a complete shock as he had indicated during an argument between Christmas and New Year that he thought we should split up as he didn't love me anymore and didn't think he ever loved me. Didn't think we had anything in common, I like gardening (what!) and he likes sports and he hasn't felt like himself for a long time. He wants to be free to be able to do want he wants, go where he wants. To be able to pack a bag at short notice and go away with friends for the weekend. Off course I went ballistic and told him we should try and save our marriage but he didn't say anything to this and made no attempt to leave. During this time I tried to keep the peace but he became very withdrawn and refused to talk any more, no sex only a cuddle when I asked. I gave him a lot more scope to do what he wanted like play golf every weekend and tried to be considerate and upbeat as much as I could but it wasn't enough. During an R conversation I once asked him what he planned to do and waited for half an hour for him to respond to no avail and then I gave up. I kept asking if he wanted to leave and he eventually said yes but he wasn't sure when or how as he hadn't planned anything. Eventually after a family party where he was so miserable and didn't talk to me all evening, I told him if he wanted to go then he should and he got so mad he walked out that night and stayed in a hotel.

I off course begged and pleaded for him to come home but he refused. He stayed with family and friends for a couple of weeks and then temporarily stayed in a friend's flat which he has now had to move out of as the new tenants are moving in. He is now staying in the home of those same friends and has signed a rental agreement for another flat.

At the beginning when I asked if we could try again he kept saying not at the moment, this is not for me. All his friends are confused as no one knew that he was struggling as he is not a good communicator. Most of them he won't speak to or see as he says all they will want to do is talk about why this has happened so consequently he spends most of his weekends either at the golf course or sitting around in his own.

My daughter, his step daughter, sees him one day a week and that is only because I organise it. He hasn't done anything except to keep throwing money at her to ease his guilt. He comes over to our house to see her in the evening after work for dinner as she would prefer to spend time with her friends at the weekend than him. It is hard for me but I am getting better at 'acting as if' when he is around, but I've decided I'm not arranging anything anymore, he can take on that responsibility. Last week I noticed he had removed his wedding ring and when I asked him why he said he never wanted to wear one in the first place like a petulant child! I said that it felt like I had held him prisoner for six years and he said it wasn't like that. I said it must have been considering he said he didn't think he ever loved me and he started back pedalling saying that he didn't say that. I then mistakenly started talking about the R and the fact that we both made a commitment and although I am not begging him to come home maybe we could start building our relationship back up. This time he didn't say anything about this not being for him but said that he didn't want any timeline on it when I suggested we use the end of his lease to see how it is going. I also found out from his best friend's wife, who are the only ones who can get anything out of him, that he has taken on the flat for a year but is trying to negotiate it down to six months. But when I asked him about the length of the lease, even though I knew, he said he hadn't had the final paperwork so was not sure.

I am so confused because to me that sounds positive but he has made no real effort. A couple of weeks ago when we found out he still intended to rent a flat both me and my daughter became really upset and we both sent him a few messages to say how disappointed we were and then we ignored him when he keep saying to my daughter that it will get better! He said he didn't understand why we were behaving like that as we knew he needed his space and he thought things were going well with him coming over once a week. Although he has been offering to buy takeaways for us when he comes over and has been bringing a bottle of wine for me I'm not sure what it means. Does that sound positive or is he just being friendly? My friends think we are letting him have the best of both worlds and we should just leave him to realise what it is like to be seperated. I am trying to go 'dark' with him and have stopped texting him unless it is about my daughter or the house. Can someone tell me if I am going in the right direction? I don't get any signs from him at all to show that he wants to try but maybe the coming over with wind etc is his way, what do you think? Sorry for the long post!

Me - 46 - 2nd marriage
H - 44 - 1st marriage
D - 15
M- 6
Separated - May 16


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Coly23 Offline OP
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Thank you for the welcome Cadet! I'm currently reading the Divorce Remedy and finding it very helpful! Also I was wondering if he is a good case for MLC although he seems to be putting on weight rather than losing it and getting fit which is what he did when he was with me! When I met him he was a little overweight however once we got together he started eating healthily and exercising so it all seems to be a bit opposite. I've also asked him directly several times if there is an OP involved and he continuously denies it, just saying that I need to give him space. I am however keeping that in the back of my mind as I have seen in several signatures where the OP is revealed several weeks/months later!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Stop asking him because as in my original post you can not believe anything he says!

So you are just encouraging him to lie.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Coly23 Offline OP
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I have stopped asking him now. I'm just hoping that he is telling the truth.... I don't think I could cope with another revelation 2.5 months down the line. I kept asking because if it was true I wanted to get the initial hurt and shock out if the way all at once. This way it would be like death by a thousand paper cuts.... 😢


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Sorry you are here. It's no fun not knowing. Every time you ask or not give him space he will take more. Sad but true. Also asking him mat trigger him to think, well if she thinks I'm having an affair, I might has well.
Time will tell.
It's all so painful but there is help here.
Regards.


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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Coly23 Offline OP
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Thanks for you response Buxom. After knowing he lied about the lease on his flat I have decided I won't ask anymore questions. It's all too painful to know the person who you thought loved you unconditionally now continually tells lies. I just feel like I am getting mixed signals from him but I'm not sure if up I am just making them up to suit me!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Just assume that he IS in an affair and then if you find out later that he wasn't, you an be pleasantly surprised?

All I know is that every time you ask or think about it, you are setting yourself back.

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Coly23 Offline OP
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Thank you Cadet. I just don't know what to do anymore and how to move forward. Do I take it that he might want to work on the relationship but in his own time? I was going to send him the following communication:

'M, we had a quick chat the other day and you seemed open to building our relationship back up. I was just wondering if you have any suggestions on how we can start to move forward with this as I am a bit stuck'

Or is this going to push him further away....


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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