Ok, she's hit a whole new level of cookoo... We were having a discussion/argument, she stated that she's done nothing wrong, so I said well what would you think if S knew what you'd done? And I almost fell down when she said I told him... Turned out she only told him she was talking to someone, but still, I couldn't believe that she would tell him anything.
My son is an extremely high achiever in academics and sports, he's going into 11th grade and has already taken 3 college courses, and the rest of his classes are all honors, he excelled in karate and as a 10th grader made it to regionals in wrestling... I told WW that she is mind [censored]!ng him and needs to stop, that he won't be able to perform at the level he needs to if she doesn't mellow out. She says I painted her in a corner and she didn't have anything else to say when he asked why I slashed her tires.. I told her she could have said I didn't want her to leave the house, or could of told him that the conversation should wait until her and I can talk to him together to explain, which would buy her time to think about the response... Grrrr, I'm so pissed at her, I really wish he was my biological son, cause she's losing control...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Sandi, I think she did try and leave him for awhile, I saw the change in her attitude almost back to who she was, but I saw her anger and resentment return, so I was pretty sure she was back at it, that's why the little things I saw had an impact on me, cause I just needed to know for sure.
Since you do intend to stick around I want you, specifically, to understand why I was so aggressively posting to you about the importance of "no contact" in your previous threads.
You SAW the change in attitude and could tell she WAS trying to leave him and be done with the affair. But withdrawal is a horrible thing for addicts AND waywards. It's like letting the drug addict hang out with their dealer. A few more days or weeks of "no contact" and the wife you witnessed emerging from the fog just might have gotten through withdrawal and actually committed to recovery; but, instead, she was permitted to maintain contact with the OM and BAM --- right back into their affairytale.
When you see this happen over and over again to multiple betrayed husbands on multiple forums it can get you a little riled up. It also riles me up to see other posters tell you that contact can or might be OK, you should just let it go and/or you should just trust her.
I'm not trying to be boastful or prideful that I was correct. I WISH I was wrong and even had you stood firm in your boundary of no contact you very likely would have ended up here anyway albeit without the few weeks of tortured lies, gas lighting and a charade thrown in.
You are perfectly within your rights to be completely done, file for divorce and never look back (I also suggest you tell your son the full and absolute truth about the situation ---in an age appropriate manner--- it's his life and family too and the truth is much better than whispers, your wayward wife's spin on things [stuff like "we just FELL out of love"], lies & half truths or worse him thinking HE did something wrong [kids think everything is their fault]. That being said, IF your wife does have a change of heart and comes to you willing then to do everything and anything to save your marriage, I suggest you MAY want to consider the possibility it could still work out IF you do it right. I'm not blaming you but you did condone and approve the disastrous risky plan of letting her continue a stupid volunteer job with the OM. Mr. Bond is the singular poster I've ever seen post affair discovery permitted continued contact work out for and he waited like 2-3 years for actual 'no contact' [when OM retired and his wife threw him a retirement party] and his marriage didn't really begin true recovery until after that.
As MWD says "no contact" is step one.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Cnut I feel so sorry for what you are going through. I am worried about your anger right now though I know you are upset and you have every right to be But you seem to be carrying this "holier than thou" attitude right now I can say that, because I've been there before Like Sandi said you need to get away from there. This is not the person you have been through your situation I know you are better than this
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
You're breaking bathroom doors bad slashing tires and SHES the one losing control?
Look. I get it that you're angry. Put in the same spot, I'm sure I'd be livid too. She cheated then comeback to "work on the M" all the while still keeping you as her plan B. That [censored]. Royally.
But come on. You need to get a grip on yourself. What exactly were you planning when you cut open her tires? You really think that will stop things? All you are doing is galvanizing them together. Whether you want a D or not, the more pressure you put on her and them, the closer they'll get. And THAT clearly seems to be something you can't handle. You are setting these "boundaries", but she's going to cross them. And really, I don't see them as boundaries around you at all. She can't go on a date until the D is final...? How does that impact you? That's all about YOU trying to control HER.
What can you do to bring your focus back on to the things you CAN control?
My friend, I agree with you.....to a degree. She seems to be in full on WW, selfish, looney tunes land. And her nonsense is driving you mad.
But CBT is right, you need to get a temporary place to stay. You're going to keep asking questions, and she's going to keep saying nonsense that's going to anger you further. You don't want that young man to see you get angrier than you already are. If his Mom is going batty, he needs you to calm down. You can do it brother.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
The anger is there, it is real, but I need to learn to get past it. I am done with this M, it is over, but I will not move out until the house sells. In order for the rest of my life to work out with my step son, I need to get passed the anger with my WW. I was mean last night, I insulted, I belittled, I said everything I ever felt like I needed to say (son wasn't home), then I felt sick to my stomach. that is not the man I am or want to be, I want to, and will, work through it, I will lose my anger, I will drop the resentment, I will accept the outcome of this situation and find happiness. Not just with myself, but with the situation, I will find understanding in my part of all this, I will learn that there are consequences to actions, and my actions put her in a vulnerable position, I will learn to have compassion for her choices, since I was part of the problem that made her choose to do what she did.
But I will not run away, I will not live somewhere else before I have to, I will learn to overcome my anger, I will learn to respect the mother of my child, I must to make major events in his future enjoyable and comfortable. If I run from my issues now, I will just find them again down the road. I recognize what I must do, I see my fault in all this, I am focused on doing the right thing. And most of all, I will cherish the time I have left living with my son.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
C-nut, dude, I feel you. This may be the hardest time in your life, so give yourself a break. You are spinning, desperately reaching to grab onto some control. My advice is the same. Take a deep breath and don't act on any emotions right now. I have been reading these threads for some time now and it seems consistent that these sitches with waywards often get worse before they get better. She is following a course and it is still early on.
I am years down the road from you and my sitch arguably got much, much worse. There has been many times over the last couple years that I have felt completely done and even resolved in ending my M. The reality is that the 6 months you have been in this circus is short compared to the many years you have known her and son and the years to come that you may still know them.
We all agree that you do not need to stay in this M. No one is even saying that you should. What are the stats on D? More than half of all marriages end in D? I don't know, but it's ok if that's what you want and plenty of people move forward to have great lives. I guess I still feel that you have nothing to lose by waiting but if there is a chance to save this M, if you file now, you could regret it in a few months or years. Also, if saving a relationship with your son is important, then your actions now need to reflect that.
As darkness said, there is a big difference between boundaries and trying to control her. Boundaries are for you and what you need in your Rs with people. You continue to try and control her and state that you are done, want D, will not put up with X, Y, and Z. What are you hoping to achieve by any of this? It's all more of the same from you and you are offering her more reason to justify her A and rewrite history and blame you. "C-nut is crazy, controlling, slashing my tires!" It's time to be a man only a fool would be so stop acting like a fool.
So my advice is the same. Stop acting on emotions and making bad choices. Stop trying to control her. Start DBing for YOU. Become the man you want to be and can be proud of for your son. Let her go. Drop the rope. Maybe one day she will do and say what you need and maybe she won't. Let your focus be on being the best C-nut you can be. You don't have to keep telling us you are done and want D. We get it. What we want to read now is what you are doing to reclaim your confidence and happiness in a life that may not include her.
Keep posting! You got this!!!
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
That's was supposed to read "it's time to be a man only a fool would leave ..."
Another thing I want to share with you about things getting worse before they get better, is that IMO the A needs to die a natural death. This was one of the hardest things for me to accept! I tried hard to control him, just as you are, and I tortured myself, it didn't work, and more importantly I didn't feel good about myself.
In the beginning I thought if it continues at all I'm done. Next it was, if they get physical, I'm done. Then it was if they have sex. Also if they bring the kids around them (which never happened). Then it was he needs to leave her in X amount of time. He needs to do and say X, Y, and Z for me to EVER forgive him. And on and on and on ...
He ended his A because he always felt in his gut it was wrong, he was more miserable with her than before, he knew he was running from his problems and she just told him what he wanted to hear, he liked how she made him feel about himself but it wasn't about her specifically, he missed what we had, and he knew he owed it to himself to try. ... Why am I telling you this? Because me trying to control him only delayed his process and I was never a lighthouse. They had to die a natural death. He was at a low point in life and scared, and even more scared to come back because of my anger!
You know what? I could not and still cannot control anything this man does or says. More so, I don't want to. I want to only be in control of me and focus on me. That's it. I have been fortunate that he has naturally done/said what I have needed over time to find forgiveness, but that can always change, right?
Funny because we even had put in our marriage vows that being together each day is a choice. Choices are subject to change. You can't decide now what your life will be in 1, 2, or 10 years. But you CAN start making day to day choices that you will feel good about.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I am done with this M, it is over, but I will not move out until the house sells.
Why? What are you proving, and to whom?
Quote:
But I will not run away, I will not live somewhere else before I have to, I will learn to overcome my anger, I will learn to respect the mother of my child, I must to make major events in his future enjoyable and comfortable.
It's not running away! It is being smart! First of all, you are being stubborn, and you want to control what she does with OM......and I think that's why you want to stay there. You don't want her dating him, bringing him to the house, or introducing S to him. If you aren't staying there.....then you can't claim this as boundaries....can you? Look, if you did not have such a hot temper .....then I might not be so concerned about you staying, but I think you are not being honest with yourself.
Second, how can you feel respect for her when she's cheating on you? Third, why are you taking chances, knowing how angry you are and how you've already reacted in anger? You have been with her all these years and have not learned to control your temper......and you think you are going to learn when she's cheating and the two of you fighting? This is not how you learn to overcome, Coconut. I think you are feeding a bunch of b.s. to yourself. You are taking chances that aren't worth it.
Remove yourself from the situation at home, please. If you give her half an excuse, she's going to file charges (legit, or not) and if you get arrested....what do you suppose your S will think about you then? Go back and look at what you said previously about what it would do to you to be under the same roof and watching her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
