The lie continues...

[MoveFrwd]

I am trying to hang in there and see how that affects her A.

I think you are wasting your energy with this. If you're setting a deadline or your own timeline on things, then you should just be "done" now.

Stop worrying about a "few weeks". Just worry about today. Can you make it through today?

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: CT1118
I am trying to hang in there and see how that affects her A.

I have a very different opinion about the "hanging in there". First of all, it has no positive affect on her affair. If anything, she will pursue the affair as long as your actions are telling her that you are still there for her.

I believe it shortens the affair, considerably, if the WW sees she is losing the man she took for granted and treated badly. The longer he sticks around, the less she cares. My question is......what does he need to do to cause her to think she's losing him?

I am not saying the man has to go straight to divorce, if he doesn't want it. There are other ways of getting her to think she is losing him.

CT, you are thinking like a man...........not a woman, and especially a wayward woman! You could probably do the opposite of what you think and get a closer hit to her mindset.

[CT1118]

I am trying to hang in there and see how that affects her A.

I think you are wasting your energy with this. If you're setting a deadline or your own timeline on things, then you should just be "done" now.

Stop worrying about a "few weeks". Just worry about today. Can you make it through today?

Great point, yes I can make it through today. She just tried to change up our kids schedule via email. I responded very appropriately no I was not willing because I already had plans. She respond that my tone was awful and that she will not make this mistake again. Wondering if I overdid it one the tone, but it was email and I did tell her that I would be open to discussing next week so we do not make this mistake again.

[CT1118]

Sandi,

Please weigh in on what I responded to Darkness with. I stood my ground on an email where she wanted me to change a schedule so that she could have Saturday night off. I stood my ground because historically Saturdays have been my days for me. Also, she used the use of a friend which has been an excuse before when I found proof of her being with her AP. She did not respond very kindly to that. I am guessing that is very normal?

[RSG]

Is she currently involved in A? This "it's all about me" crap attitude makes it sound that way. I might soften on the tone a little bit, but standing firm is right. Don't give in to everything she says. She'll moan, but a little incident like this won't mean anything a few days down the road....

[CT1118]

Thanks RSG, yes she is still in the A, but thinks I am unaware of that. My tone was a bit harsh, in hindsight. I should have been more calculated in my approach and offered an alternative that still worked out for me to stand ground.

[CT1118]

Originally Posted By: CT1118
I am trying to hang in there and see how that affects her A.

I have a very different opinion about the "hanging in there". First of all, it has no positive affect on her affair. If anything, she will pursue the affair as long as your actions are telling her that you are still there for her.

I believe it shortens the affair, considerably, if the WW sees she is losing the man she took for granted and treated badly. The longer he sticks around, the less she cares. My question is......what does he need to do to cause her to think she's losing him?

I am not saying the man has to go straight to divorce, if he doesn't want it. There are other ways of getting her to think she is losing him.

CT, you are thinking like a man...........not a woman, and especially a wayward woman! You could probably do the opposite of what you think and get a closer hit to her mindset.


Sandi, my response was indeed the opposite of what I thought, but it was also fairly curt at a time when that level had not been approached yet. I'm certain I want WW to think she is losing me, but in a good way where I stand firm and continue with self-improvement, not by making her think she made the choice of walking away because I am an a-hole.I responded back to WW stating that I would offer a solution in terms of discussing what the future week would look like and WW apologized to me for flying off the handle. I still stood my ground and kept my days as I wanted and WW left apologizing. Holy S this is a complicated communication tactic. Way out of my element, but learning and will be a better communicator in the regardless of what happens. Thanks to all for the 2x4's and support tactics. You are right Sandi and Darknes, I do not want a divorce and I am putting my patience in a cart and placing it before the horse. Day by day, day by day, day by day.
I have a great GAL tonight though for which I stood my ground on - going to learn how to rock climb, joined a rock gym. Hope to meet new positive people.

[ImAwake]

Sandi's point of WW needing to feel as though she is losing you was huge for me.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2667390#Post2667390
I read Sandi's first response in that link all the time for inspiration in times of hopelessness.

[CT1118]

Sandi's point of WW needing to feel as though she is losing you was huge for me.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2667390#Post2667390
I read Sandi's first response in that link all the time for inspiration in times of hopelessness.

That was the biggest help I have had since I have been here. Thank for pointing me towards it.

[CT1118]

CLARIFICATION POST: OK, so I need some clarification on a few things. And thanks Imawake, as forwarding Sandi's item is inspiring. Plus it helped me really identify a confusion I have had here. People all say advice here with some slight differences or I have been misinterpreting it (seems natural, would happen on a real street, why not a virtual?). I could give examples if asked, but not without.

So, to identify my biggest issue and confusion source w/ background recap: (keep in mind, i did not find this site until this month, I know I did wrong for a while). WW told me in June (3 months after BD/S) that the A was done). While I suspected the A continued, I decided I had to begin trusting WW again at some point despite my gut. On July 4 WW was returning from 3 day trip w S4 & me at my parents. WW acted noticeably hurried on return trip - had not seen that since pre-BD - which led me to the AP's FB page - I saw WW asking him about dinner. Realized I was duped twice as WW said she would end when we broke up, but needed time. I was mad and agreed to separation thinking it would really be best for both of us because I was so mad I wanted away from WW.Plus I would have been hard from the start, had I not decided to believe a lying liar who lies - I was w/out information then. So I know A is back on. Didn't want to act from anger, found this place. WW still does not know I am aware the A continues...

Reading through site, noticed a ton of commonality about getting tough on the WW. While I had been GAL from the start, realized I was still "nice guy", feel tricked into being nice guy, have never been that in my life, but also realize I have been a dck, which ain't good either. Thought the right answer to get tough would be to tell her I know she continued lying. Sensible people talked me off the ledge by stating if I wanted no D, why make the threat. I order the DR/DB and began reading, cannot possibly afford DB site's coaches, barely got the books. By now know coaches differ from chat room on WW. Began 180 last week and while I have seen some results, admit to backsliding here and there or just flat out getting it wrong while I learn. I have to pass by WW place to pick up S4 at daycare, do so tonight and AP vehicle is in driveway (no, there is no other way to get there, believe me I would take it). I did not feel anger, nor fear, nor pain - what I told myself was "I only control me". Plus, I realized there is still more fight in me - on one of my opening posts I asked how long do I fight - Cadet suggested "till they throw dirt on your box", great warrior Cadet.

BUT...here is where the confusion comes in. I have been hit w/ enough 2x4's and advice to see why me telling her I know about the A at this point will not make any difference (someone cheer for that in your head please). I also think, if guilt still exists in WW, that I would rather leave it with her for having to lie than to free WW of it by letting the cat out. However, I am struggling with how to press consequence upon the WW w/out explaining why. I have been getting response to my small consequences, but these have all seemed strange to WW, and please keep in mind I am a reforming Oxy addict (my part in the bad part of M) and so I am extra sensitive to appearing to be on it again, I promise I act weird on Oxy - WW used to say it all the time back when ( I am 6 months clean as of the 21st of this month and never going back). I am finding a discrepancy or misunderstanding for myself between the 180 rules and consequence w/out WW knowing I know the A continues. So, I had been going on "family days" etc, but know now I need to stop (for me!) what is the best answer to why I am turning it off at this point? And/or, could a statement simply be made like "you know, I am feeling really good right now, but we are separated and I think we have been too close lately, I would like to take a break from this for a while" - or something like that?

Not sure if these points matter, but not sure if I have provided before as I know I have been so hectic here I have overlooked questions, even if unitentionally: WW has never said ILYBNILWY only ILY, WW stopped speaking of D in late March and said nothing since, WW has done some pretty ridiculous things since S began like bring me meals, clean my apartment, buy me gifts,and ask me out on dates, WW just this week began referring to me as wanting to be friends which as I have read is a great place to be from the coaching but a horrible place from the chat room - last but not least, whether these things are out of guilt, love, or remorse, WW has sure as H gotten to enjoy the cake. I would like it to end the dessert somehow and I hope people here understand my confusion in the education. Still strong, looking forward to hearing from you.