Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3
#2691822 07/21/16 01:47 PM
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
R
RaySD Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
Together 26 years Married 22 years…

Had a similar situation about 5 years ago with OM (EA).

I’ll admit that we had drifted apart for a couple months this year but I recognized that and started to reconnect.

June 3th W invites me to an event she is at I attend and we have a pretty good time.

June 4th W meets girlfriend for wine. Comes home and we go out on our patio and share a cigar and wine. We end up having ML on the patio. She goes to the bathroom and I look at her phone and there are texts from another man some flirty in nature.
I confront her tell her we’re done (had a few drinks in me at the time). She starts to cry I go up to bed to go to sleep. Get a text from her around 2AM “I care for you” to which I didn’t respond when I saw it the next morning.

She texts around 12:30PM the next day “I’m on my way home we should have a discussion. We go to our room and she delivers the patented ILYBNILWY “I think we should S or D” “I want it to be amicable” “I hope we can be friends” “I don’t know that I ever really loved you…I was just trying to get out of the house because of my Dad” “I’m so confused” “I don’t know which direction to go” “We should start sleeping apart…I can sleep on the couch”. I resisted. We slept in the same bed that night and the following night.

A couple nights later as we were getting ready to go to sleep she asked me “are you going to sleep on the couch” and I said “no, why” she replied “Because we’re D’ing”. I said I’m not D’ing to which she says “so you’re going to force me to stay in a marriage I don’t want” then I said “If you want a D so bad, you figure it out but I’m not going to lift a finger to help”. She was insistent on telling our DD’s and I let her do the talking while I reiterated that it was her decision and I won’t lift a finger to help.

Found out a couple weeks later that it is the same OM (EA) from 5 years ago.

A week later, we were coming home from an event and I told her “it’s very disappointing how easy it was for you to lie to me”. We got home and she said “I don’t think I should go on vacation with you and the DD’s” I asked why and she said “You said something mean and now I feel awful” I responded “I didn’t say anything mean I’m just speaking my truth” I had another party to go to and in the middle of the party she texted “I’m sorry”. That night I returned to our bed where I’ve been ever since (June 25th).

Had a nice time on vacation…we seemed to be reconnecting (holding hands, letting me give her a kisses, etc). Also she broke down a couple times about how awful she feels…doesn’t know if she can forgive herself. I had a blowup to which I apologized…told her I wanted to give her a safe place to land (I know…desperate and needy…eck).

After vacation was over, I asked her in bed how she was feeling and she replied “you’re suffocating me” so I backed off for a couple days…not initiating text communication during the day (I usually send her a heart emoji in the morning), etc. Our anniversary was that Saturday so I got her flowers, a present, and card. She also got me a present as well. Had a great romantic dinner at a restaurant at a place we hadn’t been to in years. She thanked me the next day for planning everything (I fell down on the job on that one too by not planning nice nights out).

Last week, it seemed that she was avoiding me by spending time with her friends (I verified that she was actually where she said she was). I called her on it Friday night and she said “You’re smothering me…I think we should S or D” I told her we shouldn’t make any decisions about our marriage right now. . I have since backed way off (not giving hugs, kisses, saying ILY, you know the basic needy desperate stuff) She is in IC which is a huge step for her as she suffers from depression.

I’ve now started to 180 and I have to say it’s very difficult. We are still under the same roof sleeping in the same bed. I’m also reading DB and I’ve just started to take an Anti-Depressant.

I stand ready for the 2x4’s and look forward to any advice.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
R
RaySD Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
Thanks Cadet...

WW also claims that she was "ready to leave before he came back into my life" and "I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to tell you before you saw the texts" "I was just too scared" She still maintains its a friendship "He's in bad shape, etc"

Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
J
J5K Offline
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 1,091
RaySD,

Sorry about the situation you are in. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. You will find a lot of support here and good advice from vets.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 604
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 604
RaySD,

I would rather you be in a better sitch, but you will find people at various stages here to help. I am still new here as well and will tell you I have done many posts at different levels of emotion. There is a lot of reading to do here and it takes a lot of time to do it, especially when you factor in the books. So you may do what I did and begin posting stuff before you finish reading everything, because it always feels desperate and you want immediate answers. There are no answers here which will cure this in a small period of time. There are however, experienced and educated people who will guide us along the way, slap us back in bounds, and pick us up after the nosebleed. That's been my experience anyway. [censored] for my employer - I've been sneaking onto this site for two weeks now.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
R
RaySD Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
Dance and Persuit and Distance:
"When you detach and distance yourself from your spouse, notice how they start coming around, being nice, etc.? Well, he/she feels that you are not pursuing them. They want the chase, they want you to pursue them so that they can come back and slam dunk you all over again."

This is how I felt last Friday when she mentioned D and S after we seemed to reconnect on vacation. I somewhat 180'd the week leading up to vacation so I'm thinking that is the very behavior described above.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: RaySD
Dance and Persuit and Distance:
"When you detach and distance yourself from your spouse, notice how they start coming around, being nice, etc.? Well, he/she feels that you are not pursuing them. They want the chase, they want you to pursue them so that they can come back and slam dunk you all over again."

This is how I felt last Friday when she mentioned D and S after we seemed to reconnect on vacation. I somewhat 180'd the week leading up to vacation so I'm thinking that is the very behavior described above.


So the point is to STOP pursuing.
You then take away their power.
And possibly they start to pursue you


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
R
RaySD Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
R
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 13
2x4 time...
WW asked me join her for happy hour which was nice and we had a good time. (more on this later as the conversation was interesting form the Pursuit and Distance perspective)

Afterwards WW and I went to a local cigar lounge/bar and sat outside and shared a cigar. 2 younger gentlemen sat down at our table and we had nice conversation. WW was pretty drunk and said "you two want to go inside and play darts" and they all got up to go inside and I got up as well. I took it as I wasn't invited and said told WW that it's probably time to leave. I closed out the tab and said lets go. She said no I want to stay. So after a few attempts to convince her to leave I left. When I got home D16 asks "wheres Mom" and I said "at the bar talking to other men" (I was borderline drunk). I went to bed and about 10 minutes later D16 woke me up and asked "should we go get Mom"? I said sure you drive and I'll go in and get her. So we go to the bar and she is sitting with one of the two men from earlier. I said "Your daughter is outside" I grabbed her purse and went outside. Put the purse in the car and D16 locked the car door. D16 tried for several minutes to convince WW to come home or D16 would take her to a friends house. WW was adamant about staying so I told D16 "fine lets go home".

I walked down to the gas station to get some Advil and when I got back D16 and D14 were both going to a friends house which I thought was a great idea. They left so I put some of WW's clothes on the front porch and went up to bed. 20 mins later the doorbell rings and it's WW in tears. I said "you're not sleeping here tonight you need to find someplace else to sleep" She called me "Jerk" "Idiot" "F you" "I hate you" hit me open handed on the chest. I said a few things in response that I'm not proud of. She drove away in tears.

I tried to reach her several times today as I was concerned for her safety. She finally responded that she was OK and was coming home to get some work things. She was visibly angry and said "I don't know if we can recover from this one" I didn't respond. She basically said she can't stand my jealousy and insecurity and controlling (something I will work on in IC).

After she left she sent a couple texts:
"Boy do I regret asking you to join me. I won't make that mistake again"
"You ruin ever nice moment we have"

I responded:
"Every major fight we've had involved too much alcohol on both our parts"

To which she responded:
"True"

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Ray, I have observed the more successful outcome with a wayward wife, is when the H sets very firm boundaries and does not continue in catering to his W's sh't.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard