Detaching.....nearly there..

[srt]

Hi surfer, I'd love to start dating, but only if she wants it - I've been hurt too much to get so emotionally involved again.

As for her giving you orders - a couple of suggestions
1. Don't even give her the opportunity (meet kids at door, be busy etc)
2. Flat out say NO if it doesn't suit! (be careful with this one though!)

[Surfer]

Thanks Sotto. It might well be that I am just getting frustrated at a lack of control as such. My WW is tending to put others first though so she can get time with wayward friends rather than turn up on time for my time with D8 and S6 (she always has an excuse). I find this so frustrating given these friends were involved in the whole EA etc scenario.....just need to detach I think. We have to get on for the kids sake but when I know she is so manipulative that's hard.

Another question. When she picks up/drops off she often has something to say 'you need to, you should, you must' type things. Not nagging so much, more being 'bossy'. She is very keen on this. I detests it with a passion. I don't want to come across as rude in front of the kids - she always does this in front of them. What is the best way to handle this - I normally just look through her and validate in an 'I'm not listening and you know it way'. I don't think it really helps tbh - it's frustrates her. But I am not going to act like a doormat husband either.

Any thoughts? Anyone?.....

[Sotto]

Hi Surfer, just in case you didn't see it - I replied to this on the previous page

[betterm]

surfer, has a D been filed yet? i'm sorry your in this situation, but in order to have firm rules in place about who has kids, and when, and then be sure that she sticks to that plan, would be to get a legal order...

i wasn't sure if a D is filed yet or not, but if it is, your L can file a provisional order that will lay down rules on custody, those would remain in effect until the D is finalized before a judge.

[sandi2]

Another question. When she picks up/drops off she often has something to say 'you need to, you should, you must' type things. Not nagging so much, more being 'bossy'. She is very keen on this. I detests it with a passion. I don't want to come across as rude in front of the kids - she always does this in front of them. What is the best way to handle this - I normally just look through her and validate in an 'I'm not listening and you know it way'. I don't think it really helps tbh - it's frustrates her. But I am not going to act like a doormat husband either.

The first thing you do is to pull her aside from the kids. Explain that you would appreciate it if she would not speak to you as if she is giving orders. If she says fine, then go on. The next time it happens, (and there will be a next time), separate her from the kids and tell her that you are not her child, employee, or trainee .......therefore, she has no authority to tell you what to do and not do. Tell her you will not tolerate being disrespected in front of your children.

You need not raise your voice or say it in a threatening manner. I do believe you need to say it firmly, or seriously. Don't come across as some whimp who is pleading with her to play fair. You aren't asking her. You are making a statement.

Now, you need to know what the consequences will be of she doesn't honor your boundary.

[CT1118]

Surfer, just a suggestion on the dating during all this. When my separation first began I was in a really low point. I had begun GAL, but had just begun. I wanted to put it back together with my WW, but was months away from finding this site or the books. I decided dating would be part of my GAL (which I didn't know was GAL at that time) and I went out with two women. One of them really liked me, but I realized I was just not ready for it and that I would only end up hurting her because I am still in love with my WW and I would have only been using her for a revenge fling. Guess what, it hurt her anyway because she felt I led her on even though I was very honest, painfully honest about my sitch from the start. Then for about a week I had this woman and WW blowing me up about what my flaws were as a human from two different angles. You do what you gotta do, but that something to think about. You might still be a hot mess right now. Also, WW and I married on the very tail end of each having had a divorce. Yes we knew each other prior and had been in love prior, and had been off an on for years, but still - those rebounds or transition, well if they worked for most people I would not be here right now. Just my experience man. Hope yours is different.

[Surfer]

Thank you Sandi and CT. Much appreciated thoughts

[Surfer]

Surprising bout of anxiety at the moment. Spoke to my wife and have not seen the kids for quite a while (how sad I just realised I took them to the cinema only 48 hours ago - it seems like a lifetime ago). I am basically really missing them all. Closeness with my wife in particular. We are going to speak later about me having more time with the kids prior to her taking them on holiday with her friends. This fills me with dread/anxiety as I would desperately would love to be going with them on holiday - but it would definitely be a disaster at the moment. We are both still struggling to talk well.

Conversation was good earlier though - although she did have a little grumble about me thinking negatively about her kindness in ensuring I have time with the kids (basically she was assuming that I was expecting her to be cake eating - however she was guessing and I wasn't really thinking that). I just let her grumble/comment slide and thanked her for thinking of me.

Lots of overthinking all round I guess. I crave a straight forward relationship with her. One with easy conversation etc. I am not sure we have ever really had this though. We definitely have had bouts of this but I think there has often been strain.

One thing I could do with help on is setting boundaries in terms of the nit picking, grumbling, complaints that seem to be about 'picking a fight'. Historically I have presumed that my wife is doing just that. Perhaps however my WW is actually not doing this, perhaps she's just sad and is trying to express how she feels about how I see her. Perhaps then I should reassure her that I don't see her like this? I get confused how to handle this - or should I say I don't like all this nit-picking please stop it. Perhaps though it's best not to overthink? Just be happy and focus is on the positives.

[Buxom]

Hi surfer, anxiety and over thinking are crippling! We want to do the right thing and think we have the answer figured out until reality strikes and we're forced to see it another way. Since she is the ww, she is the one with the most issues and will be all over the map. My WH is most unreachable and unreasonable when he's in a shame spiral and it shows on his face and bodily. He also stays away more or withdraws more. I think he thinks he's protecting me from him, it's been his style. If I pursue or push to talk it only serves me and causes him to lash out or ignore me and I'm not sure which is worse ( which does not serve me but injures me further). I guess we are walking wounded with I spouses who are wounded and broken just in a different way.
I know you want to fix things with her and right know you can't, neither of us can fix our sitch and it's hard to swallow. I'm sorry this is a hard time for you too. Take care of you, especially while she's on holiday.

[Buxom]

Hi surfer, anxiety and over thinking are crippling! We want to do the right thing and think we have the answer figured out until reality strikes and we're forced to see it another way. Since she is the ww, she is the one with the most issues and will be all over the map. My WH is most unreachable and unreasonable when he's in a shame spiral and it shows on his face and bodily. He also stays away more or withdraws more. I think he thinks he's protecting me from him, it's been his style. If I pursue or push to talk it only serves me and causes him to lash out or ignore me and I'm not sure which is worse ( which does not serve me but injures me further). I guess we are walking wounded with I spouses who are wounded and broken just in a different way.
I know you want to fix things with her and right know you can't, neither of us can fix our sitch and it's hard to swallow. I'm sorry this is a hard time for you too. Take care of you, especially while she's on holiday.