One for the road....

[J5K]

Hi Jelly,

You have been missed by many! I hope you are doing well!

[JujuB]

Just wanted to say I loved your response to me. It came across as a post from a confident and strong woman. You know, the type of woman that goes to work everyday to fight for people that might not always have a voice, or the type of woman that can literally take complete control of an uncomfortable social situation, or the type of woman that actually notices and stops to ask a crying stranger if she is ok?

I am glad you know your worth.

I relate to good girl issues. Thin skins around people you value, and the fear/guilt of hurting others. And of course the neurosis. (Which I'm coming to love)

I relate to thoughts being thought due to moods and feelings as well. Women are complex, aren't we?

Hugs

J.

[Vanilla]

Let's discuss one up.

And some have more knowledge and experience than others.

The key to this is to know your field.


For example those who are here for 6 months will know more than a raw newbie.

So there are fields you know and there are fields you know less and want to learn. That's data and knowledge. Using this through experience is wisdom.

So there are areas you have data, areas you have information, there are areas of expertise and areas of wisdom. And areas of empty space.

Then there is opinion, your views. Your views are your views. Equal to others in every way. They are worthy of respect even if every one else disagrees.

Date or not date? Friends with the opposite sex yes or no?

Views.

You also have the right and the obligation to argue your view and to change it,or to stay silent. Up to you, your choice.

So let me give you some of my unpopular views:

MLC does not exist, waywards are not ill they are chosing to be wayward
Piecing is a long drawn out process get on with your life instead
It's ok to date if you are formally S and ready
Walk away from an abuser DB is for you
Men and women can be friends
Sometimes exposing an A is a good thing
Snooping for Intel is fine
Fathers can be better parents than mothers
Abuse is abuse, call it and record it
Be self centered

Some of these I have data, others info, some expertise and in others a little taste of wisdom. I also have a slightly soft new age,12 step, higher power approach to life. Rather laid back on occasion. Sometimes I miss the obvious.

I have views, arguing against these isn't invalidating V, it's just arguing against my views. Some of which may change next week.

As long as you are authentic, then it's ok. I learned this when I felt I was under attack by another here, fearing that those I posted too would be heavily criticised.

I learned from that,and it was a close call.

If others put you down that's their issue not yours. Even if your view is that the earth is flat and that grass is blue and the ocean green.

You are not your views.


V

[ciluzen]

I will have to do this, JB. How can I not?

[JellyB]

One for the road... here's a very brief update from JellyB...

Mr Ex: Well have heard nothing from Mr Ex since April 2015. Since a very threatening messenge advising that if I made any further contact with his daughter he would make a compliant to my work place and possibly to my registration board (I work with children). He is now very well established in his relationship with the woman he met three months after we separated. I anticipate by the fact that they have now purchased a business together - his dream business that she is likely the love of his life. I wish him well.

Mr M: Ex number one has now entirely taken a step back out of my life after a very recent calling out of him, about his wanting to keep our friendship and contact a secret from his new partner. I feel the loss of his friendship, but I couldn't be a secret and it is good to know that he at least has developed some maturity and commitment to his new partner to remain somewhat honest in not contacting me anymore. He did not ever give me the same courtsey.

Weight: For those that know my situation, you will be fully aware of the struggle I have experienced with my weight and body image and how this has impacted on my relationships with partners and my sense of self and feelings of worthiness of love. You may recall I had battled for many months, regarding further invasive weight loss surgery to lose the last of this weight, or just go straight to plastic surgery to remove the excess skin I have.

I made the decision at the end of April that further invasive weight loss surgery well, frankly the personal and financial cost was likely going to be too high. I made the decision to make a last ditch effort to lose the weight on my own with the assistance of a naturopath. The treatment plan involves gluten free, dairy free, alcohol, coffee and chocolate free food plan. It also involves a supplementation programme (exspensive!!!). The first phase (8 weeks) is balancing my body to with minerals and vitamins and to reduce inflammation and improve gut health. The second phase (7 weeks) detox of my body, liver and kidneys, third phase actual weight loss.

So I am eight weeks free of all of the above. I am frustrated by no weight loss. My Naturopath did not like me expressing my frustration at the lack of weight loss and wanting to move to the weight loss phase directly (he said I could if I wanted to, on our first discussion of the treatment plan). He then fired me as client. I am seeing a new Naturopath next week aarrgghhh starting over!!

Depression: This still comes and goes and June was hard month. I would like to be like some here where the depression and anxiety disappear, but I have come to realise that this is just my thing, and I will likely have to manage it for a lifetime. I still feel the "crazy" stigma. The Ex's response to my depression will sit with me for a long time. The fact that it is ok to abandon someone you supposedly love while they are in the middle of mental health breakdown, will never leave me. It makes me feel vulnerable.

My mother: In June my mother was diagnosed with Lymphoma. She is my rock and has been my person more times than I can count, so the possiblity of losing her was pretty daunting. My mother has however maintained an amazing attitude and with a lot of black humour we have gotten through. My mum is due to have her first chemo treatment next week.

The Work: Since the beginning of the year, I have slowly taken a step back on working on myself, on fixing all the things I thought were broken or are broken about me. Something in me just felt it was time to consolidate and give myself some time to take a few leaps of faith to move forward and to let myself feel the possiblity that maybe some change could stick.

The depression I experienced in mid to late 2014, left my feeling suicidal, with BD and the separation from Mr Ex, my confidence had been left in tatters. I had developed some pretty serious social anxiety about meeting new people and doing new things. GAL wasn't happening at all. And GAL as we know if an ABSOLUTE for freeing ourselves from the pain of BD and impending D. I was stuck and didn't know how to fix it.

So in March being completly fed up with myself and feeling like the social anxiety was ruling my life, I made a decision to take a leap of faith and threw myself in the deep end of the social pool.

I booked a trip to the US and visited a number of places and met some amazing people, who I now consider friends. The trip was everything I needed it to be and more. I have found a little nugget of my self confidence. There is still a ways to go, but I am beginning to feel like myself again. The best verison of myself.

Dating/Relationships: As some of you know I made a committment to myself that I would not date for 12 months after bomb drop. I needed to get well from my depression and there was much work to do (FOO issues & Body Image issues primarily). Well I made it 9 months, I dated on and off between July 2015 to January 2016. I met one person I thought was someone I thought I could have a relationship with, appears he didn't think the same of me. "Too sweet" and "too kind" apparently. We remain friends and he has been a great coffee, and movie companion and a great dinner date if I want to have a glam night out on the town.

I am 44 now, and I want to say that as a girl who did not start her dating life until she was 29, and her first relationship at 35 and has more experience dating than being a relationship.

Please don't take dating too seriously.

It can play with your head and heart, but once you figure out that your esteem doesn't have to be attached to someone's desire to meet you for coffee or ask you out again, it gets so much easier. When your esteem and confidence does take a knock, don't keep dating, take a time out to recoup your confidence and go back in when your ready.

Also not every person you meet is going to be relationship material and not every relationship is going to lead to something long term. But it is good experience for learning the places you still have vulnerablities and where growth still needs to happen. Take that for yourself. Go easy on yourself, it's supposed to be fun getting to know another human being.

As for me, I have met someone incredibly special. More special than I really know what to do with. My insercurities are a constant, but he seems to take them in his stride. I am fortunate in that he has been on a personal journey himself for a number of years and understands the power of honesty, vulnerablitiy and communication within a relationship. We are finding our way. Me particularly. There are at times a lot of minefields for me, regarding how he views my body, fears about trusting that he won't disappear when he finds out I'm crazy. He tells me I'm not crazy, he says he likes my kind of quirky and wouldn't want it any other way. He wants me just as I am. Who knew!

So many of the people who came to the board when I did have moved on and I miss them. There are few familiar names and I continue to follow you and lurk even though I may not post to you. I don't post because I don't feel I could bring anything that you are not currently recieving from wiser posters. I do however have so many wishes for you life and your happiness.

Zues and V if you are reading, you taught me a lot in the month of June. Much love always my friend. xxx

Well that's all from me for now...


Much Love and Peace

JellyBxxx

[Zues126]

Jelly, I'm proud of you. We all have a cross to bear and I know yours is a heavy burden at times. But again, you do what you can. You put one foot in front of the other, you make the best decisions you can, and you live with knowing you've done your best. Sometimes that means digging deep for change. Sometimes that means accepting your limitations. But it's always well thought out and genuine. Those are traits of the highest order.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I'm glad you get to spend some quality time with her now. One thing I've tried hard to do is not let some of the adversity we're dealing with distract me from the time with my family. It is far too short. I am so glad in the midst of this you are able to be there with her. I am hoping you have more time ahead. If it would help you to share, I'd love to hear a good story about you and your mom that would tell us a bit about your relationship.

Way to snag a fellah! More than anyone I think I can relate to being a bit skittish, so I'm glad you're handling that as well. As for being crazy, that might be your best quality JB. Being crazy is like being a witch. You can be a good witch or a bad witch. Your crazy isn't a broomstick crazy, it's more of a gradually growing pink bubble turning into a pink dress and wand crazy. So don't lose that.

I can't believe your body is so resistant to losing weight. That's really brutal. You've moved mountains and I could see why you'd feel discouraged, but your determination is unbelievable. Hopefully this next person can help, but no matter how hard it is I wouldn't want to bet against you. In any case, you're obviously doing everything you can, and that's what you can do.

This reply seems so trite. It's kind of sad in some ways...like going from being friends with someone and talking every day, to getting to the point where you sum up 2 year blocks of your life in five minutes. You touch on the life changing events, but leave out the daily laughs, struggles, and triumphs. Your audience says "congratulations", then "oh no", then "good to catch up", but it seems like a weak echo of when you'd actually walk the road of life together. But while that's sad in some ways, the roots are deep. I may not know the last movie you watched, or your last tough day at work, but that's not necessary. I know you're out there being JB, and that is all I need to know. I appreciate the updates and hope the next leg of your journey is something to write home (to DB forums) about!

[JellyB]

Just needing to put some stuff down and walk away from it, if you all don't mind.

I am hormonal and a little (well maybe a squidge more than a little) all over the place and often the works of my internal landscape tend to explode externally in these times. I try to control it, keep it in check, but for the life of me, it comes spilling out and all over. I hate for myself for it because it is sad and ugly and hurts the people and a particular person (My Special Someone- Mr S).

I knew that being with someone new would bring all the joys and intimacies that had been missing over the course of grieving my last relationship with Mr Ex. And it has tenfold and more. More than I could have anticipated even. I am different, I am better, less broken in so many ways. Yes it is coming, there is a BUT, there are still some fundamental broken pieces that for the life of me I can't seem to get past.

So I am obviously with a man, who I feel amazing emotional safety with. I feel safe to express my anger, sweet sadness and even little miss bossy and little miss crazy with. And know he will love me regardless and not leave me. But the emotional overwhelm that happens after truly expressing these shadow parts of my personality and psyche, creates angst for both of us.

I think ( and would be happy for people's opinion's on this) that I haven't quite cultivated a way to manage the intimacy and expressed love and care that comes to me from him when he listens, supports, apologizes, and loves me.

I have observed of myself that I get triggered into a high level of emotional drama, which is so unwarranted and frustrating and surprising. I had my need met why the drama.

I remember reading a book by Patricia Allen and she used an example of young woman who always ended up escalating to crying and upset every time she asked her partner to meet a need. I feel like this is what I am doing. Only I am able to initially express the emotional ''I feel disappointed that we didn't spend time together all week", and I can say " I would feel good, happy in fact if we could make more time this week'. And then he says " yes I have felt the same, lets do better this week". And then all hell breaks loose me for me.

Then I barrage him with " so this is what was triggered for me this week because of the lack of time together"....imagine 30 minute account of every emotion I experienced related to said issue - with me in emotional heightened state.

I think I have worked it out enough to know that the trigger is feelings of abandonment and not being prioritized. Neither which has occurred. Rationally I know, but little JellyB is triggered by this I know, spent a year in therapy getting to this, so know what is occurring and why. But why the externalised punishment to the man I love and why the high level of emotion and drama.

Is it punishment, or am I so relief to have someone available I trust and care for to soothe the emotional trigger, because the interaction doesn't soothe, it in fact makes me feels worse. Sometimes I think I talk to much about how I feel and that is the trigger to really crawling inside the feeling.

I acknowledge that right now, this behaviour presents only when I am hormonal or triggered to it by my depression by other life stressors. The rest of the time I am fine.

The other thing I have noticed, is that I am not so prone to triggering if he tells me in advance when time together isn't going to happen, I can go for days without seeing or talking to him. But I do need emotional reconnection to happen quickly when we reunite or I end up in high emotion, high drama.

All these behaviours, presence of high drama and emotion scare me. They are old ways of functioning in relationship for me, and while the unconscious need to engage in them may never leave me, I want to be able to contain them, tame them, so they don't ruin, what I think could be an amazing relationship with a wonderful man.

Help!!

JellyBxxx

PS I know I am taking more than I am giving to the DB board right now. Sorry.

[Zues126]

Good to hear from you JB.

I can relate to a bit of what you're saying. It was different for me, but I know I felt a overwhelming desire for physical closeness in my M, and it would be very difficult for me when I felt neglected. It would get to the point where it would be hard for me to be close again when the opportunity allowed because it didn't seem fair, like somehow I could be shoved in the corner to suffer for eternity, then when it's convenient for her we could get together. It didn't feel very good.

I've thought a lot about abandonment. One theory is that we act our worst to 'test the rope', and prove to ourselves that our partner would never leave. If we act our worse and they stay then we feel safer than if we try to be on our best behavior. Another theory is that we've abandoned ourselves somewhat, and that no one can ever make up for the fact that we feel inadequate, so we try to show our inadequacies and have them validated by a third party since we deep down don't approve. But those are tired old theories that I've beat to death and don't always have practical use.

One thought I have is whether you could go to counseling with him. Would he be open to it? I always wondered why people wait until everything is horrible. I've always thought it would be kind of romantic to have professional guidance on how to work better as a couple, to do so in a setting where both people want to make the relationship better, instead of when one is checked out or both feel the other person needs to change.

How is he handling all of this?

Finally, next post can you share some of the good stuff you do for him, and the things about you he loves, and the good things in your R? You talk as if you make a mountain out of a molehill at times and threaten to wreck a good R by letting small things derail you, and that you expand those feelings by giving them so much attention. But then you post only about the negative part of you and your R, when it sounds like it is really going positive overall. Maybe if you told us more of the positives the negatives would diminish naturally. Maybe that's wishful thinking, just throwing darts at the board. Plus I'd like to hear some of what's going well for you, so it can't hurt

Hang in JB, and thanks for being around always.

[JksD]

(((Jellyb)))


NG is lucky to have found you!

Zues has given you lot of sound advice and I have nothing much to add.

Could it be that like what Zues said, you're subconsciously trying to test him to see if he's the real deal?

Is there anything that he could do on the spot to make you feel better, so that you won't display your protest behaviours? Or do your frustrations need to run their course? Are there any other ways of venting your frustrations?

[J5K]

Jellyb,

I am happy that you found a new R. Zues has made some good points. Maybe we when enter into a new R somehow the detachment hasn't completely left us.

To me it sounds like we will still need to DB through a new R to ensure that it is happy and healthy. It is ok to continue to take it slow because if the person you are with cares enough, they will be patient and wait.

I am not the best on advice but I hope that I am able to provide a POV you have not considered.

(((Jelly)))