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First phone coaching session and I'm more confused than ever!! He's withdrew more and more this week almost like he's doing 180 on me. Feels like pressure to submit. He told me he liked the independent, uncomplicated me from the past and now that I'm working on that, more forme than anyone, he's snarling or silent treatment. Hate it as we used to be so passionate , in sync, and best friends. He even said last month he missed our connection and friendship. I do too!!!

So coach thinks he's MLC and sex addicted, not just about the affairs. She says that's a different approach. Please tell me what u know as we ran out of time!!!!

Her instructions were:
1. Breathe, it's been five years at least of this turmoil

2. Be friends with him, develop a good solid friendship again. Read his body language and if not closed or angry then Talk about light things and pretend he's a friend as a guest in my home.
3. Don't pursue so as to create resistance?
4. Give him space, esp when hes taking space.
5. Be unpredictable
6. Read DR, five love languages and gottzman book seven principles to make marriage work. I'm reading DR, have read love language and ordered the other.
7. Emotionally detach, my biggest weakness. I have my own rollercoaster and then I ride his most times too! Need help here, lots of help!
8. Be a cat, not a puppy
9. She thinks it's ok for me to try and have sex with him. Is this because She thinks he's a sex addict and I have to connect there???

Thoughts? Like I said, I'm confused.
I'm going away for a few days to house sit for a friend with an old dog. WH said, "sounds like good timing all around..." whatever that means!?!


Previous thread...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2691924#Post2691924


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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I had several sessions with phone coach, and it was very helpful, however it is worth being aware that the tactics recommended by the (excellent) phone coaches can vary from that recommended by the (excellent) community here, just as there are differences between individual members of the forums.

One of the big differences is many forum members suggest a different approach for Wayward spouses as opposed to "walk away" spouses where there is not another person involved. Michelle and phone coaches don't draw a big distinction there.

Like yours, my phone coach also suggested many of the things you listed, including focusing on the friendship to rebuild a solid base for the future, and that it was ok to have sex if the spouse seemed willing, etc.

I walked that path for a while. In some ways I felt things were improving, but I still also saw signs of being fundamentally disrespected by my WW. I had a very hard time reconciling the cognitive dissonance between the new-better-stronger independent me I was trying to create, and the me that was having sex with someone still in an EA.

The sex in particular was a double-edged sword for me. She was willing at times, but by me initiating it I never knew whether she really was interested or just went along with it because it was easier. There were also subtle differences like her avoiding eye contact and kissing, which made it much less fulfilling for me and was kinda screwing with me mentally and making it very hard to detach emotionally.

Ultimately my personal choice was to take a bit firmer of a stance than my phone coach was advocating and I have felt that was a more authentic approach for me. Even as I was adjusting my tactics, the phone coach was still very useful to me in hashing things out and handling specific situations. There were several times something came up and I was able to get an impromptu session with my phone coach even the same or next day. One session was at 11pm!


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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The one aspect of having sex with him that would concern me is if he is having sex with someone else, that could be possibly dangerous for your own health.

If you are absolutely sure that he is faithful you can try it and see the results.

My only other word of caution is that an MLC can take a very long time, we do have a forum and more homework there on this subject.


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Buxom,

A lot of the suggestions your DB coach is telling you to do is what mine is telling me to do too. Well, except the sex part. I can only wish for that and I'm not to sure my W would be too willing right now.


M 55 W 52
MR 32 T 34+
D29
BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out
ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email)
No EA/PA
August 23 - DB used against me in every way
Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
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EDF, RDS, And Cadet... input is so appreciated! I'm thinking about the whole sex thing and why I would or would not want to. There are pros and cons. Yesterday WH asked me to go to see the new star trek movie. We went, had a nice time then went food shopping while we waited to pick up S18. We were chatting, nothing heavy, and got talking about sleep issues each of us have had in the last month. One month ago today he moved out of the mbr. He also told me he's been taking naps in my bed. So that's why he's been making my bed! frown I told him I missed having him in our bed. Long silence before he said, well it is a comfortable bed. I left it after that and continued to chat on another topic. Temperature taking? Maybe. I was just compelled to let him know he was missed without the pressure of an R convo.

I'm leaving today for four days and I don't plan to contact WH in any way, just my kids. I want to really make a solid restart of project me. I will look into the MLC board and read my current books too, like DR and solo partner. I have another session booked for Wednesday before I get home.
It has occurred to me that he'll move back into mbr while I'm gone. I'll deal with that when and if it happens. Will have to give it some thot tho so I do not react to anything he might toss at me.

Question.... what do I need to know differently about sex addiction vs affairs only?
THANKS!


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
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Buxom. The best thing is to let it all go. Any feelings that are negative. Disconnect and be you. Find your happy. Kind of give less of a sh!t if you can. Occupy yourself with other things. I think it's kind of like getting your mind back. Make that your goal for now. You can focus on other goals later, reconnecting etc. It's all baby steps so keep busy to help stop over thinking. I promise it will help you. It has me.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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If he is having a PA then I would recommend condoms bare minimum if you have sex. Even then they can't protect against HPV so think about that. The DB coaches are an invaluable source of guidance and support but you have to live with your choices, no one else.

Someone once described pursuing to me like this:

Pretend you are standing on a football field and there is a huge Styrofoam block between you and you WH. When you pursue and walk toward WH the block pushes him back. So either retreat or stand still but don't call, text, walk towards him, nothing.

At best find somewhere else to be, keep calls brief (and he needs to call) end them on a light note but be the one to end the call. Find something to do that really makes you happy. Joy and confidence are a huge turn on universally. So you have to find your joy from within and not from your partner. Remember a time before you were partnered, how you behaved, how you came across.

Recently I regressed a bit with my WH and I think it's because I have been too available to him. I found myself calling him a few times a day and he was becoming more aloof again. Before this I had been very good about not initiating calls and keeping things short, sweet and ending the calls myself. I think I've started coming across clingy again so I am stepping back again. Initially this was very difficult for as I wanted to constantly temp check him, but that was just driving me nuts. So back to the drawing board. Do what works, and in my case it helped when I just wasn't so available to him. He tends to miss me when I am doing my own thing and not chasing him.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Oh, and the 180 is for you, not him. It's to help make you a healthier person, less codependent and make yourself the best person you can be. That way you win regardless of what happens to your marriage.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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Surfer and Sara. Sound advice and very helpful thank you!!

It's been a week of things coming together in my mind and what you've both shared fits in with it all. It's like peeling back layers on an onion. Each layer has a slightly different set of tasks and obstacles. I can't meet the challenges if I'm grieving and depleted. I am fortunate that the friend I called about 90 mins away from me said I could come for a visit and then house sit with her dog for four days. Peace, solitude and time to think and consolidate my thots and gains. Walks, biking, picking berries, reading and sewing. Time with me... I wonder what she will be like?

I turned off the phone but I will be online a bit to check in here. smile
Day one here and I feel no anxiety. Hope to wake in the same state! smile Good night!


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
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Hi Buxom. I hope you are enjoying your day. No anxiety is great. Keep enjoying that free time it's what you need to feel 'you' again. Keep busy with those walks, books, dogs etc. It's good when you can remember how lovely it is to just be you and to be hApPy : ) isn't it? We don't need to feel anxious, in a way we choose to. I guess focusing on you, like you are, allows you to have space to do something else rather than choosing anxiety. Enjoy the space. Recharge and be you!


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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