The lie continues...

[CT1118]

Why do you need to reply at all?

You're making me better, you're making me better.

[CT1118]

So, WW just informed me she has accepted a new position at new company. I knew she was interviewing and it was the right move for her career at this point. I openly believed she needed to do this for her career, but also in part her old company made miserable and that was part of our problems before the A started. The new job is a slight promotion, an boatload more income, more responsibility, but better benefits and all that. Anyway,telling you her AP currently works for her old company, will this move potentially make the sitch better or worse? Granted GAL & 180 continue either way. But I can see two scenarios: one she will have to be more involved in work, will not see the AP on the regular as she does now, and might slowly start to pull away from him. Or she is no longer under the guise of being terminated by her employer if the A with a subordinate rank employee is discovered (like she is now where they both work) and they can be free to act as they like. Lastly, will it make any freaking difference at all?

[EDF]

Impossible to predict what impact it will have between her and OM but, as you say, either way doesn't really matter since it doesn't change what you need to do

[MoveFrwd]

Anyway,telling you her AP currently works for her old company, will this move potentially make the sitch better or worse?

Yes

[lfm]

Funny how in parallel our situations seem to be CT, my WW is also looking for a new job that would take her from part time to full time. She's had some interviews, but no offers yet. This would put her in a job away from the OM as well.

I don't think it will change anything with her A, but certainly makes it a little bit easier if she does decide to break things off with him as she won't have to worry about anything with the former employee (assuming that comes to pass).

I just have to continue to be patient, do my thing and wait and see if she ever sees the light that I am trying to become.

[CT1118]

Thanks EDF, lfm, & Darknes. Clearly I really hope it does. She just called, we had to speak on some S4 matters, but the conversation switched to her new job acceptance. I backslid from my #15 slightly, not far, but I have to admit it to you all so that I see it said out loud and understand it myself. I was far from doing backflips and used Wonka's validation the entire time "you must be really proud of yourself for making this decision" Again, understanding that fine line between the 180 and allowable conversation to be polite and supportive can be a bit grey. And, while I meant what I said, it is the best move for her career (read as hopefully if nothing else it will benefit my S4 too), I did have ulterior horses in the race. Thanks everyone. I am sure I will check back in later.

PS, reading DR book - great - I feel way more application than the DB.

[CT1118]

OK, this is an awkward one. I was just informed (earlier tonight) that WW is going to TX for 5 days to see her family (mother passed 15+ years ago, father/brother & his family still alive) and that she is taking S4. And then I was told that my father in law bought a tix so that I could come along. As part of the WW lies, I know FIL was told WW and I separated, but not the reasons why (I've stated above WW has been lying to friends/me about the A continuing, but family was not told about A to start with - took about 1 minute for me to figure that out on FB when we separated - they just think we are having "trouble").

Time for exposure has not arrived IMO. I have known this man for 22 years and known him as a father figure when my own was not available (part of what made WW close when we were teens was her F'kd up family taking me in from my F'kd up family - please keep in mind WW & I dated for 2 years as teens, broke up, dated in early 20's and broke up, lost contact for 10 years and M'ed at 35 years old when we found each other again - now both 41).

Given my current sitch I am highly inclined to not attend, but I really want to see this man. And if WW and I decline further in our R (which I am honestly not certain of yet) I will not see him for some time (lets be real, S4 is his grandson and as MWD states, w/a C the married couple is in it for life, D/M regardless).

The trip is in 2.5 weeks. I am 29 days from 6 months of knowing A was real & calling out the A to my W who then 1 day later became WW, 8 months from when I traced it to PA, and 10 months from when I traced an EA.

I tentatively accepted and I did so thinking his is my chance to say goodbye in person to a family I have known all my life, even if I won't directly say goodbye I would do so in my heart.
Initial thought was to decline and state I will call FIL and tell him honestly why I cannot attend, but as I said above, WW was not honest w her father (he would advocate for me), but exposure does not feel like the correct choice now. I also feel like I want to suck it up and go - understand, for no other reason than to say goodbye to my FIL and WW's family as they love me and I have love for them.
This is some very confusing Sh!t to happen across tonight as my 180's seem to have been working otherwise this week.

Dmnit. Advice...

[MoveFrwd]

If your goal is to reconcile, I think going is taking you farther away.

This is a giant slice of cake you're letting her eat. She's with OM now - it isn't your job to go to her family events to assuage her guilt and keep up appearances.

[CT1118]

If your goal is to reconcile, I think going is taking you farther away.

This is a giant slice of cake you're letting her eat. She's with OM now - it isn't your job to go to her family events to assuage her guilt and keep up appearances.

How do I 180 that one? What do I say to her father who does not know? What do I tell her w/out telling her that I know the affair continues?

[CT1118]

Something happened in me today. I would guess it has been happening and maybe just arrived today. While reading MWD's books, the 180's, this site I had been pondering the concept of "do something different". Clearly above, I tired that with communication and it was mostly working, but was just beginning. And I am not sure if what I am experiencing today is normal, is final, or just part of the ride. But last night I thought about my views of the A and my WW and I asked myself what could I do different?
I have been so angry. I have been so very very angry at WW, at the AP, at myself. I have been so obsessed in thinking about WW, AP, and myself. Its done me no good. My GAL's have been working, but sometimes they are just momentarily distracting. I've seen friends, but they leave or I do at some point. I've spent hours at work, ducking into my office to read this site, some other sites, or books on this subject of A and get myself educated. And I work with my IC weekly. That stuff is all different behavior from me compared to where I was 6 months ago, but it was my reply to someone's post earlier this week that gave me my answer. I realized I had to forgive.

So I woke up this morning and I felt a little different about myself. I realized I was not obsessively thinking of WW and the A. I thought to myself, "I accept all of this is happening and no matter what I do for myself and how I speak with WW, I have no control over her decisions. But I accept control for myself and I will not be angry about this any more. I will protect my boundaries, my space, and my heart from here forward". I really felt better thinking that. I showered, dressed, cleaned, played guitar, read this site, and otherwise began my day.

So at late morning I had to drive out to WW's place and drop off some money which was needed for S4 to participate in a pre-K next week (she has S4 on Saturdays). I knew WW and I would talk, but today I was not planning what I would say, how I would 180, what I would give etc. I was going in unrehearsed and felt fine about that. Decided to trust myself enough to know who I am, when I am. I got there and she had not really seen me on a weekend in the past few weeks since the 4th. We said hello and then WW stepped back and look at me. She mentioned how nice my shirt was, she liked my new watch, and how absolutely cute I looked. I simply said "thank you". Then we spoke about the school thing the money was for and she stopped in mid-sentence and said "seriously, you look great. how come you did not dress this well when we were together?" All I did was stare at her, not sure for how long, not with anger, not even sure if I was offering an expression other than my resting face. Then she apologized and began something about "I didn't mean.." and I just held up my hand as if to say don't bother.

Thing is, in that moment, I realized I didn't care anymore. I don't mean like an "I'm sick of this BS" don't care, I don't mean like an "I'm going to ignore this and let it roll off my back" don't care, I mean I felt nothing. I felt nothing and that felt great. Peculiar, but great. I'm still feeling this way now as I write. I don't care anymore and for me that means if we R again one day it's fine, if MR or ML again one day its fine, if we D then that's what happens. I finally feel free of my fear and my anger. I must have hit the bottom of my ability to withstand my emotions on this. Not really sure, but while I still don't want a D, if that's where this leads, I know now I am better prepared to handle it emotionally.

The woman I have loved for over 22 years still exists. She and I had a great R together, we had a loving M together, we made this beautiful S4 together. But her & I got lost somewhere. I found out where I was, buried under a pile of self-imposed struggle and I dug myself out, which took time. I think now I know where my loving W went. She is somewhere inside my WW. She shows up sometimes when I watch her play with our son and they smile honestly at each other, but then she gets sucked back into the WW if left out in the open for too long. The person I have been dealing with is not the woman I have always loved and most likely always will have some for. No, the person I have been dealing with is a WW and I won't let thoughts of that WW hurt me anymore. I forgive myself for what I have done and I how I have behaved. I have put in a great deal of work to atone for my faults and flaws. And today, I began to forgive the woman I fell in love with who is floating around somewhere in that WW, she must be hurting and really lonely in there. I hope that lovely woman wake's up when she hears the scrambling of a WW who realizes that this LBS turned the lights on and that a WW is just not very attractive to him anymore.
Not sure where this goes for me, but today I feel good. Thanks everyone for your brutal truths, frank words, and honest commentary - its all in loving kindness.