Hi Andrew, yes absolutely I would pack all her stuff up, put it on the front porch & let her know she can come and get it. You of course will have a GAL activity when she does.
Do take precautionary steps with any joint account. Think now what you would want to do if you were to be long term S, do it and let her know.
I would also let her know (on Mon?) that you will tell the kids on Wed if she hasn't done so already. If she asks, let her know that you won't lie to them about why you guys have S.
I agree on the status. You guys are S just now and that would be the honest answer.
It is always best to just deal with business WRT her. Be decisive and just let her know what you are going to do. Don't wait for her to do things or hang on her every word or text, just get your own house in order and leave her be. I can't emphasise that enough. Be available on and only absolutely minimal basis and about business and start to make your own plans.
You're doing well and you'll get through this difficult phase my friend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
dream - it's good to see you. I've missed your calm reasoning voice.
1 - I'm making the house "mine". Considering how much was taken there's not actually a lot to remove. The stuff that I'm boxing is stuff I don't want in my house. Her booze, her piles of magazines, the small amount of clothes and toiletries etc. Some of the stuff that she could put a claim on will stay because I like it and it's also mine too. Keeping "her" stuff where it is would feel like I'm making a shrine to someone who is gone. I want to feel at home here. I'm not purging her from my life and destroying photo albums etc and never will. I just need to not be seeing her in each little thing around me.
2 - She has always contributed to the joint account. She just hasn't with her latest pay. Given the turmoil in her life which is probably far worse than mine I'm not going to make a fuss. Also - the basis of the legal advice I got was "don't be an @ss" which agrees with my personality. Difficult to say if it's cake eating or not but her intention when we talked when she announced the move was to put more in than she would take out to continue to contribute to the upkeep of the marital home and common expenses like life insurance etc. Personally I'd prefer to be completely separate but don't care enough to be an @ss.
3 - I'm going to first presume that W has talked to them as she said she would. I will tell them that she's walked out and she and their uncle have stripped much of the contents from the house. I'll tell them that it was her choice and that I begged her to stay and that I do not know where she is living. Not sure yet if I'll mention the A - I'm leaning towards not doing that just yet. I'd prefer if that news came from her as well.
4 - This is for government security clearance - nothing to do with the our sitch. I need to make sure that when they check that what I put on the form agrees with what she would say.
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I hope you continue to watch her actions
Actually I'm trying very hard to NOT do this. Me watching her drove me and everyone else mad. The next move is her's so to speak. I can go on like this indefinitely I think.
Thank you for the GAL suggestions. This weekend actually I am most comfortable with taking care of my home and yard and feeling free. I've not felt at "home" here for so long that it will be good for me. Next weekend is the funeral for my oldest sister's husband and S22 said he's coming up. There will be much visiting etc then and hopefully practically no talk about W.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
yes absolutely I would pack all her stuff up, put it on the front porch & let her know she can come and get it. You of course will have a GAL activity when she does.
I'm just packing it up to get it out from underfoot. One of my goals it to initiate contact with W as little as possible. It's up to her when/if she comes for it. She actually works in 2 locations. The main one is in the next village but she puts in time in the shop across the street. She'll know whether I'm home or not and can make her own choices. Not my problem.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Do take precautionary steps with any joint account.
Did that a long long time ago. I get alerts on any transaction over $100 on the bank accounts and on every credit card charge. Just because I've told her that I'm going to be open and honest doesn't mean that I don't worry about her not being that. I can shift the money and block access within minutes if something weird goes on.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
I would also let her know (on Mon?)
She knows that S22 is coming home next weekend. She said she'd do it and would know that there is a short deadline. If she doesn't - not my problem. I'm not initiating contact to check up on if she's done something she promised she'd do. (look at me being all independent!)
Originally Posted By: Sotto
I agree on the status. You guys are S just now and that would be the honest answer.
Honest yes. But we need to have the "same" answer and I would expect that if someone from a federal agency called her out of the blue she would say married.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
It is always best to just deal with business WRT her. Be decisive and just let her know what you are going to do.
She's walked away - I don't need to tell her anything. I did text her about the security clearance thing but I just said "This is what I've put on the form - tell me if I need to change it". I didn't even put the heart emoticon on it
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It's nice to hear that I've been missed. Things were pretty busy in my life for awhile, but I plan to do more posting as well as reading now that things have calmed down!
1- I'm glad to hear you're making your home yours. Packing up random items that she left behind sounds good. If she doesn't pick it up after awhile, you can donate or trash it.
2- I like what you wrote to Sotto. Glad you've got precautionary measures in place to protect yourself.
3- I wouldn't expect her to tell your kids about her A. She will likely give a slightly different version of the events. Just something to be prepared for. Or maybe they already know. Kids are pretty smart at figuring things out without being told!
4- I see you already told her that you've put married and asked her to agree to that if she's asked about it. I would have taken the other route... tell her that you put separated because that's what it is.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Originally Posted By: Sotto
I agree on the status. You guys are S just now and that would be the honest answer.
Honest yes. But we need to have the "same" answer and I would expect that if someone from a federal agency called her out of the blue she would say married.
Looks like some assuming happening here... you don't know what she would say if a federal agency called her out of the blue. I just wanted to point this out to you so you're aware of it.
As far as watching her actions... I think you've been caught up in mind reading, that you weren't seeing reality. Bottom line - the current action is that she packed up and moved out. She has done NOTHING that shows remorse and to work towards your marriage.
Regarding the GAL - I agree you should work on creating a place that feels like home to you. I hope you're open to trying new things as time goes on.
It's nice to hear that I've been missed. Things were pretty busy in my life for awhile, but I plan to do more posting as well as reading now that things have calmed down!
Glad to hear you've made it through whatever challenges you faced. Your's was the voice that got me to calm down more than once and look at my sitch rationally rather than just whack me with a 2X4
Originally Posted By: dream
3- I wouldn't expect her to tell your kids about her A. She will likely give a slightly different version of the events. Just something to be prepared for. Or maybe they already know. Kids are pretty smart at figuring things out without being told!
I think D24 who lives quite far away suspects. I'm not sure about S22. I'm leaning towards being silent on the A unless directly asked. As I told W way back in May - it's none of their affair. The fact that she's walked out on me and stripped the house of heirlooms and not left a forwarding address will be tough enough for them to take.
Originally Posted By: dream
Looks like some assuming happening here... you don't know what she would say if a federal agency called her out of the blue. I just wanted to point this out to you so you're aware of it.
As far as watching her actions... I think you've been caught up in mind reading, that you weren't seeing reality.
Absolutely true. She is also not decisive and she is quite secretive. My message to her was intended to say "this is what I'm telling people - if you want a different message say so". I was practicing being decisive and not asking for her permission When she left she was still wearing her rings. Since I'm NOT watching her actions I can't say if she still is. I don't believe she has the courage to stand the scrutiny that would happen if she announced her marital status change - but then - that's mind-reading. We have a lot of mutual friends though and if she did make it obvious there would be a lot of WTF questions coming my way and going her way on Facebook and in person. I've seen the storm before when others have separated in our community. I've been tempted to change my own relationship status just to prod the bear - but that would fall into the "something stupid" category. SHE chose the path she is on. SHE needs to take any action to either end things or come back. Me, I'm going to make my bed, putting two pillows on it for the first time since April 18th, bring my laundry in from the washline and then take myself out to dinner with a good book for company.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I know that this will be tough but today feels pretty weird. I filled up 1 more box this morning. The piles of recipes that W wanted to try but never did are in a box with most of the fridge magnets and notes and addresses that W had there.
I expect that it will be quite glaring to her the next time she passes through the house as will the new security camera I'm setting up right now that will be pointed at the main door to the house. Just because she has free access doesn't mean that I can't monitor it. I do have a legitimate worry that the house isn't being watched through the day when I'm at work.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Still dropping(ish) the rope. W's boss - who is not quite a friend but closer than an acquaintance has known about her wanting to leave for quite a while. I'm not sure if he knows about the A but he's one of the smartest people I know and the A would have blossomed in his store. I'm not doing any mind-reading on him. W confided in him while building her support network for her exit plan before BD1.
We ran into each other in our small village and he asked how I was. I took a deep breath and said that I was a wreck and that since March have been living through h@ll. I mentioned too that W and her brother had stripped the house but with sadness not anger. I didn't ask about W though. I only said that her leaving wasn't anything I wanted and that she was welcome to come back at any time. I told him that if at any time that she needed anything that I could provide to let me know. I told him as well that I was very worried that she was safe. I thanked him for being supportive of W.
He told me - both of our eyes were getting red - that he had a lot of sympathy for me.
I'm glad that a good man like him is watching over W. She probably needs all of the true friends she has right now.
It's now more than 30 hours since I last contacted her. I do know that she is lurking at me on Facebook. There is a chat group for the memorial for my oldest sister's husband that she was included in. She is still connected to it and shows as reading the posts including one I posted by accident
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I have a "lot" of practice doing groceries by myself but thanks. I'd certainly be up for a visit though! She left most of the booze.
None of her relations have unfriended me either which actually is rather a surprise.
I'm making sure to post positive GAL type updates which match reality and my normal practice.
I'm on day 5 now of lots and lots of days to come. I really wonder sometimes if I "want" her back. Today I made black currant pancakes for dinner. Difficult with so many things being missing from the kitchen. I almost accidentally used icing sugar instead of flour. I adapted, found some flour that W had overlooked and they were quite good. Lots of carbs but my weight is still going down faster than I would like so that might be a good thing.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I hear ya, Andrew. I think it's normal to consider if you still want the marriage. Either way it's a tough road. I think it will take us more fortitude to take on the patience adventuring of the marriage and all IF WH or WW decide to try with equal measure. This is the stage I'm at too. I'm so sorry that there is this pain, for all of us here. Colleen
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Congrats on the job opportunity. Also, glad to hear about some of the excitement in your life rebuilding. It's nice to feel like you're at least in control of yourself!
That said, I don't really understand why you were telling your W's boss you are a wreck. Why are you involving this person into your business? This is your W's BOSS. He's not going to "talk some sense into her" or anything like that. And even if he tried, your W would just shut him out and likely would be furious with you for impacting her work life. In my opinion, the fewer people you involve, the better. And if you are going to involve someone, I'd recommend it not be someone so closely affiliated with your W.
As for what you said - are you serious that she can "come back anytime"? I get that you love her. I don't see any problem with maintaining that love for as long as you want. But love does not mean giving someone everything they want. You deserve better than to be your W's plan B, C, D, or E. Saying she can come back whenever shows that that is exactly the position you're willing to take. If that's really true, then why would WW ever change if she knows you'll always be there to catch her?
I have no expectation nor wish that W's boss will try to talk her around. He's very much a hands-off sort of person. And yes - the fewer people involved the better which is why I've not changed my Facebook relationship status etc. I could count on my fingers without going to toes the number of people I have told. A big part of my pain has been holding all of this inside and keeping it secret to protect W. Letting it out would be a major relief for me and I would be more fully able to live an independent life but it would be a major blow to W and possibly fatal to any chance of her coming back.
The message to this friend was to let HIM know that I had nothing to do with W's exit and that I had not shut the door on her. And yes - while I told him that she could "come back anytime" - there "would" be conditions around that in reality. The other part of the message was to let him know that in case of crisis that I would be there to support W in whatever way was necessary. Again, I don't expect him to tell her that but if for example she were injured at work he would know that it would be safe and appropriate to call me.
Contrary to how I post here, I do worry about the "too much information" when talking to others who aren't part of my personal support network. One of my many flaws though is that I DO NOT lie but can be selective with the truth. When someone who knows the greater part of my sitch asks with genuine concern about my well-being, I gave him the honest answer. It is selfish of me perhaps as well but in my small village I want to be able to hold my head high and not be blamed for the breakdown of my marriage, home and family. Difficult to do perhaps while still keeping quiet. I don't know about elsewhere but here there would be an assumption that the man is at fault and I have no clue what tales W has been spreading about me for the last year or more.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
When she left she was still wearing her rings. Since I'm NOT watching her actions I can't say if she still is. I don't believe she has the courage to stand the scrutiny that would happen if she announced her marital status change - but then - that's mind-reading. We have a lot of mutual friends though and if she did make it obvious there would be a lot of WTF questions coming my way and going her way on Facebook and in person. I've seen the storm before when others have separated in our community. I've been tempted to change my own relationship status just to prod the bear - but that would fall into the "something stupid" category. SHE chose the path she is on. SHE needs to take any action to either end things or come back. Me, I'm going to make my bed, putting two pillows on it for the first time since April 18th, bring my laundry in from the washline and then take myself out to dinner with a good book for company.