My wife informed me on May 17 that she does not love me and wants a divorce. She said she is leaving me. We have been married for 14 years and have 2 beautiful children. I noticed that the last few months she has been receiving calls and text at all odd hours. As a good husband I was, I never checked her phone. But after this announcement, I did. I found out she had many texts back and forth and phone calls with her ex lover of 2005.
In 2005, after 3 years of marriage, no children at the time. She left me for another man. I tried so hard to save my marriage. Eventually we would go out and get back together. But nothing stopped her affair. She left me- came home to an empty apartment. I continue to try to get back. I broke all the rules that I discovered here: called her all the time, send her flowers, letters. After 2 months of trying, I gave up. She gave me the divorce papers. She told me he is the love of his life. She loves him so much. She wants to marry him. I signed the divorce papers. I then joined the Army Reserves. I did not tell her anything. I just disappeared for 9 months for training. When I came back, I was in great shape, happy, motivated and started dating. I figured I was divorce by now, so I was telling everyone I was divorced. She ended up calling me two months later. She said she made a mistake and loves me. She said she ended her affair and wants me to move in with her. I met with her to talk. I know now I should not have done this. After seeing her again, I knew I was still madly in love with her, but I did not want to show it. My wife then informed me that she never turned in the divorce papers so we are still married. After weeks of her trying to get me back, I gave in. I moved in with her. In span of 7 years with had two beautiful daughters.We were the perfect couple. Never argued, showed loving gestures towards each other. The only issue we ever had is that she works long hours. My hours are regular hours 8-5pm. So I was more involved with our girls. I would take them to school, pick them up and make dinner. By the time my wife got home, usually the kids were asleep, showered and fed. Happy life, happy wife.
Now back to 2016. We left the apartment and bought our first house in 2012. We were so excited and happy. The girls had their own room. We had a big yard. We did many functions and had so many wonderful memories. My grandmother, before she passed away in 2013 told me that she was so happy for me. She was proud that I have a beautiful life. You see, my grandmother is old fashioned. She was proud that I got married in a Catholic church. For religious Latinos, getting married in church is the ultimate signs of love and respect. She made me promise to fight for marriage, to be loving, be faithful and always put family first. Which I have always. My wife is also from a religious Latino background. They love me like a son. Her mother and sisters are beautiful souls and always show love and kindness for me. I had the perfect marriage. A loving wife, two beautiful children, our own house, in laws that love me...happy life.
May 17...D Day. My world came crumbling down.She started packing her things. She tells me that she never loved me. And that she wants to be with the love of her life. She left me and my daughters. Her family found out, they tried to talk to her. But my wife instead ignored them and told them that they will not convince her. She is now claiming that her mother caused her to come back to me in 2005. That her mother told her if she did not work out her marriage, she will disown her. But I assure you, I spoke with her mother and told me none of that is true. In fact, she told her daughter to leave me alone if she was not serious about her marriage. Wife moves out with a friend. She starts going out and starts dating. I was confused because I thought she left me for "the love of her life." But I guess she started seeing other men as well. So what I have been told. I tried to fight for my marriage again, like in 2005. I made the mistakes again: calling her, sending her flowers, letters.
The Wayward Wife This time around, it is much different than 2005. She ignores me and when she does talk to me, she screams at me. She has so much anger. She blames me. She fits all the characteristics of the Wayward Wife (Sandi's list). She said it is all my fault her family is mad at her. Yes, I exposed her affair to them. She said I made her life miserable. Screams that she wants me out of her life for good. She now has her own apartment. She gets our daughters only 2 days out of the week, her choice. My 9 year old has told me that her mother is always talking to a man on the phone, telling each other I love you. What I don't understand is that in 2005, my wife told me she is leaving me for another man that she loves. This time, she told me that she is not in love with me but has not man in her life. Her story changes. She then says she in love with the love of her life. And then tells me that there is no other man and that I am making it up. My wife finally admitted to cheating and lying to me. Something she has been denying.
Can my marriage be saved? It has now been 2 months now. I have read the Divorce Remedy, but I continue to pursue my wife. I broke too many rules. I pushed her away too far. In the last 2 months, I have send her many flowers, texts, letters, and gifts. I spoke with her yesterday (she called me), she still screams at me. Told me that she does not love me, to move on because she has. To be prepared because she will be giving the divorce papers in a few weeks. At first I was telling her to try to work our marriage out. But then I remember reading Sandi's do's and don'ts and about the Wayward Wife. I decided to tell her that I gave up. That I no longer want to work out our marriage if she doesn't and I will move on. But she mocked me and told me that my words don't mean nothing, she wants action. She also suggested that we might be friends, I told her (based on Sandi's info) that I only have interested in being her husband and not her friend. She said then we can't be friends then. I have decided that my daughters should be my most priority. I believed that if I fought for their mother I would be able to bring our family back together. My 9 year wants me to keep trying. I had a talk with her a few days ago that I can't no more. I will try therapy again. Read more books to build my self-esteem. And spend as much family time with my daughters. I'm happy with my two daughters. I have been taking them out to the movies, the beach, bookstores, park and restaurants. My wife told me yesterday that the only reason I have my daughters is because she knows I need them more than she does. Those were her exact words. I was disgusted with what she said. But I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to tell her, you sure isn't because you want to live single.
Is there hope? I still love my wife.
Raul
Me: 42 Her: 39 Kids: 2 ILYBNILWY: 5/17/2016 D-Day: 5/17/2016 Verified OM: 5/17/2016 Verified she told OM ILY: 5/21/2016 Moved Out: 5/19/2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Raul, sorry to see you here man. Read the other threads around here because it's helpful from the perspective of dealing with your WW and also with getting yourself to a better place. You're not alone, and while you think your situation is uncommon, the knowledge that it's not is oddly comforting. A lot of great people here who are very supportive.
I'm also working through my WWs anger and shutoff of communications between us. It's extremely frustrating, but what I've learned is I can't control or change her. All I can do is control and change myself and make sure my D and I are strengthening our relationship. You need to focus on the same. Work on making yourself into the best man you can be and continue being a rock for your kids. If your MR works out, great, if not then you're setup for success in your next R.
Outside of that, I'm still working through my situation, so others here are better with more detailed advice. Keep your head up and keep grinding bud!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Have you committed to really stopping the pursuing behavior, or are you still actively pursuing?
Also, what kind of GAL activities are you doing? Spending time with your daughters is great, but are you exploring or rediscovering any other personal interests/activities/friendships? How about exercise?
Me, WW - Upper 30s BD - Apr 1 2016 EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away) Confronted wife about EA - May 17 Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
EDF, Yes. I am done with the pursuing. After 2 months, I have made things much worst. I have read Sandi's rules and read the book Divorce Remedy, and did not follow the guidelines like I should have. I would go 4 days NC and then text her how much we miss her. I would still call her honey and she would get very mad.
As of GAL, in June, I actually took motorcycle classes. I bought myself a motorcycle (a cheap used one) and enjoy riding it around. Made new friends at motorcycle class too. Still learning how to ride. It has built my confidence. I have also stepped out and made new friends whom had previously bad relationships but survived. I am actually thinking of starting a support group for break ups in my garage. I used to facilitate groups in prison, juvenile hall and support father programs. So I'm still thinking about it.
Me: 42 Her: 39 Kids: 2 ILYBNILWY: 5/17/2016 D-Day: 5/17/2016 Verified OM: 5/17/2016 Verified she told OM ILY: 5/21/2016 Moved Out: 5/19/2016
I made the mistakes again: calling her, sending her flowers, letters.
Learn from your mistakes. I've read that repeating the same actions and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I have been guilty of it, and observed a lot of people doing it.......so maybe we all are a little crazy, especially when it comes to relationships. I do want to encourage you to remember what worked and what didn't work in the past.
When you and your W went back together after the first affair, was there any counseling about the affair and how to deal with it? Have you asked her family if there was any history of issues in her childhood?
Did you just take her word that you were never really divorced and were still married, or did you check it out and see if the D papers had been filed?
Quote:
I had the perfect marriage. A loving wife, two beautiful children, our own house, in laws that love me...happy life.
Your W cared nothing about spending quality time and attention with her own children, or doing anything with her new house. It sounds as if she stayed awayed from the house as long as she could, before finally going home. You did all the work at home, raised the kids, and held down a full time job. My first thoughts were that you were badly deceived, or you could be seeing life with distorted vision. My second thoughts were there that your W could have a serious problem.
You say you and W had the perfect M and went for seven years without having an argument. Never an argument? How did you accomplish that? Happy wife --- happy life? How did you keep her happy during that time?
What are the ages of you and W?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You are so smart to recognize that pursuing her with flowers, texts & telling her you love her isn't working. Sounds like you did some major GAL when you joined the reserves. Clearly, you see the value of GAL. Keep it up & be safe on that motorcycle. Focus all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Raul and Dad.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I made the mistakes again: calling her, sending her flowers, letters.
Learn from your mistakes. I've read that repeating the same actions and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I have been guilty of it, and observed a lot of people doing it.......so maybe we all are a little crazy, especially when it comes to relationships. I do want to encourage you to remember what worked and what didn't work in the past.
When you and your W went back together after the first affair, was there any counseling about the affair and how to deal with it? Have you asked her family if there was any history of issues in her childhood?
Did you just take her word that you were never really divorced and were still married, or did you check it out and see if the D papers had been filed?
Quote:
I had the perfect marriage. A loving wife, two beautiful children, our own house, in laws that love me...happy life.
Your W cared nothing about spending quality time and attention with her own children, or doing anything with her new house. It sounds as if she stayed awayed from the house as long as she could, before finally going home. You did all the work at home, raised the kids, and held down a full time job. My first thoughts were that you were badly deceived, or you could be seeing life with distorted vision. My second thoughts were there that your W could have a serious problem.
You say you and W had the perfect M and went for seven years without having an argument. Never an argument? How did you accomplish that? Happy wife --- happy life? How did you keep her happy during that time?
What are the ages of you and W?
Sandi, yes she did not filed the divorce papers. She still had them with her when I got back with her. She stated that was the reason why her affair ended. Because he gave her two weeks to file and she hates it when people tell her what to do. But in all honesty, I don't believe her. She has told me three version on how her affair ended. I don't her affair ended. Because a few years later she told me he called her to see how she has been. I told her it was a bad idea and she reassured me it will never happen again. I know...I am very naive.
After the affair ended in 2005, I suggested counseling. She refused. I found out that she had been sexually abused as a child. I should have been more persistent now that I look back.
Arguments... well of course we had disagreements. But not where screaming or yelling was ever involved. She would give me the silent treatment for a few days until I would give her flowers and make up.
Sandi, you have great perception. I did not realize until you pointed out that my wife stayed away from home. Now that I think about it, it may be the reason why our walls had no family pictures for almost 4 years. Every time I wanted to hang a family picture, she would say that she has plans to add stuff to the walls. Now that she's gone, me and my daughters put up pictures of us all over the house. My daughters did put up a few pictures of her with mommy. Her family would constantly get on her about her work hours. She would miss a lot of the family functions, only me and my daughters would show up. But now that i look back, she could have possibly be having her affairs during that time.
I did notice that she wanted a baby in November after her sister had one. We talked about it for a few months. Then in April, I told her that we should. By then, she said she changed her mind.
My wife 39 and I'm 42.
Me: 42 Her: 39 Kids: 2 ILYBNILWY: 5/17/2016 D-Day: 5/17/2016 Verified OM: 5/17/2016 Verified she told OM ILY: 5/21/2016 Moved Out: 5/19/2016
Okay, I am going to ask several questions, to get a better picture of your W and the MR. Has your W basically had the same personality since you M her? Does she have major mood swings?
In order for you to feel you were making your W happy, would you put aside what you thought was best.......or what you wanted.....and give your W whatever she wanted? Did she pretty much have her way since you've been M?
Over the years, did you feel that she was constantly seeking that one thing that was going to make her happy? As if there was an empty spot her that could not be satisfied for very long? Like, she would get something she thought she wanted.....but then lose interest in it.
You sound like a very devoted father, and it is good that your little girls have you. How long did your W take off work when the babies were born? Did she have depression after they were born?
One more question for now. How was your sex life, before she had the affair and took off this last time?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
