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So sorry to hear this. Best of luck, and I agree with Sandi--keep posting.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 700
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Yes I third that...don't leave us, keep posting!!! smile


W:42 M:48
T:9 yrs M:1yr
BD: Feb 2016
EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016
D: Feb 2017

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Posts: 1,091
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Coconut,

I am sorry she was still hiding it from you. The WW is cruel. Keep posting we are here for you man!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Coconut:

A tough blow. My guess is you have most of the info you need now. You can dust yourself off and move forward on your own terms.

Stay strong - our group is an small army who are behind you all the way.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Joined: May 2016
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Thank you all, your support is greatly appreciated.. I've been planning for this, I was 95% sure something was going on, but I didn't want to give up on M unless I knew for sure, so I suffered through knowing it was likely happening.

Sandi, I think she did try and leave him for awhile, I saw the change in her attitude almost back to who she was, but I saw her anger and resentment return, so I was pretty sure she was back at it, that's why the little things I saw had an impact on me, cause I just needed to know for sure.

Just so you all know, I didn't act out of rage last night, I was in control of my emotions, I told her to either open the bathroom door or back away because it wasn't going to stay shut either way, I tried letting the air out of tires rather than slashing because I wanted it to be an easy fix... My actions were thought out and calculated to achieve my two goals last night.

I'm ok, like I said I have all my family and friends supporting me, I'm not crying or tearful, I'm spending the day with my son and took him grocery shopping to make sure he has what he needs. I'm at piece knowing that I didn't give up, that I was and will continue working on me. I have gotten over my addiction to TV, Video games, I'm more social than I've been since we got M, I'm coming into my own.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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Oh, and posting here and supporting others is part of my GAL, I'm not going anywhere... I realize it's meaningful to let others see how the journey is on this side of it all.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: May 2016
Posts: 1,509
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Had a good day, I spent most of the day with son at the house, but she came home from the academy 3 hrs early which caught me off guard, she brought two people from the academy with her to help with the tires. I was hoping to be gone before she showed up, so when they showed up I asked my son to go tell her I was leaving and have the person that parked behind me move, when they moved I went out of house to leave.

On my way out, she asked me if I knew where the wheel lock was, I just ignored her and left. I didn't like the way ignoring felt, I'm stronger and better than that, and I have no reason to be awkward in my own house... I'm not trying to DB to get her back, so I will work on just being comfortable with whatever situation I'm in, because, unfortunately I work with her.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
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I think you may need to plan on seeing son away from the house. At this time, you do not need any chance interaction with your W. The WW seems to always catch the H off guard, so you could at least prevent running into her there. Besides, everywhere you look, your eyes will be reminded of her.

I see a lot of H's fall into a situation with their STBXW and not know how to get out of it. It can start with something simple, like what happened when your W asked about the wheel lock. He starts having thoughts like, that isn't who he is, and he would answer a neighbor, or it's really for the sake of the kids, etc., etc. However, she's not getting the message that the H is through with her and she can't use him any more. So, what happens? She starts sending little texts, maybe asking where something is, or whatever. Then, before the H can blink, she's got him coming over to do something for her........or maybe she just needs a caring ear to listen. And he starts getting confused and wonder if she's sending mixed signals b/c she seems nice to him when she wants something.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi, I went the opposite direction.. I spent a lot of time over the last two days contemplating my decision, and I don't want to save M, I want to move on. I came back to the house this morning, told her I am staying her till the end of August and will help her pay house costs till then, and I'm moving out and getting my own place in September.

I gave her clear explanation of my 3 boundaries:
1. He does not come in my house
2. He does not get introduced to my son
3. You do not go on dates with him while I live here

My consequence for breaking any of those is I will act on my anger and basically shame her to everyone if any of those are broken... And I also might have mentioned having to go meet him myself in there.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
01/10/18 - D Finalized
Joined: Aug 2015
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so sorry Coconut....

I have been following your sitch but haven't rung in as much as i would of liked to. You are getting so much advise and you seem to know where you are going.

Your gut feeling is your friend and you listened to it. I think you showed us a side of your W that made many here trust her. Sometimes we explain our own situations with the assumption everyone reading it is on the same thought pattern as us. I got the idea that your W is really trying and she could be trusted. My bad.

Only you know your W. You were so right.

I completely understand your frustration over the past few weeks.


I agree with Sandi. Stay away from your W. You can't trust her.


Also keep anger at bay. Don't lash out, even if its your property. You don't want a situation where the police come to the house if you are arguing with your W. She will play the victim and you being a man will be taken away. An arrest will have devastating consequences on your shared custody of your S. Don't let her push your buttons.

Mine tried everything to make me look bad, the police, pushing me, provoking fights. I stood tall. kept clear and in the end she was just so over the edge it all fell onto her. Your W seems more slick. I would not trust her and don't give her an inch.

you are a strong man, keep that up and continue your path my friend.

Irish.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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