Keeps getting worse, 180 not working

[Cherry]

I agree with cadet and job.
I also feel for you, because I know that feeling oh so well when "we need to talk" comes up.

The d isn't what you want, by validating you aren't agreeing. It's just a "I'm sorry you feel that way" and you can state quite firmly that it isn't what you want, and therefore will not do any of the heavy lifting to get it. Try your best to keep calm and stay strong. We are all here for you.

Just listen, listen and listen some more, and validate.
And an absolute no no, YOU don't leave the house or the mbr. If this is what he wants, he needs to do the work, he needs to go. Why should you be the one to leave when it's not what you want.

Big hugs.

[Buxom]

Job, I appreciate the words! I don't mind if the threads are merged, I just needed to get responses now. I did not know I could change the subject line.

Cadet, thanks for the directness, I need that. I am still struggling with expectations. I also read between the lines a lot. I will agree with anything said and listen only. I do not want this so no way I would help the process.
So then I still 180 and GAL? DB coach earlier today said to be warm and light with him and show happy to be home. I'm not to ask questions about him while away and do chapter five in DR using our exercise today... what themes I need to work on and do the empathy and validation when he brings things up. She does not know about this development.

[Buxom]

Cherry, thanks so much for the support! I do not want to leave mbr. He's moved in while I'm away so I don't know what will happen when I'm home. Can I be so direct as to say your words?? Why should I be the one to leave when it's not what I want?
I've got about 24 hours to pull myself together. This being away was supposed to help me strengthen and rest but it's been very difficult emotionally as I no longer have my denial shielding me. My eyes are wide open and I hurt, years worth of hurt.

[Cherry]

Oh honey, I know that feeling oh so well.

I would say so. Those are pretty much the words I said to my h. A bit of a 180 on my part. I think he was expecting tears and for me to agree to anything he said or to beg and plead. I was firm and strong, so yes I would certainly say to stay strong and firm and say that this is not what you want, so you will not be the one to leave.

[Buxom]

Thanks cherry! I really wonder if I did the wrong thing this time away by not being in touch with WH. I left most emails unanswered and really took my time on others. Maybe he thinks I don't care? I'm trying to be unpredictable. I wish we had learned how to fight better but we are so conflict avoidance. It Sux!

[Cadet]

Thanks cherry! I really wonder if I did the wrong thing this time away by not being in touch with WH. I left most emails unanswered and really took my time on others. Maybe he thinks I don't care? I'm trying to be unpredictable. I wish we had learned how to fight better but we are so conflict avoidance. It Sux!

You are on the right path - STOP worrying about what he thinks,
that is not why you are doing what you are doing.

You make changes for YOU, not to win him back.

[Buxom]

I guess I am thinking more about him than me. I'm just so scared since I'm so sure that today or tomorrow is the I want a D declaration. I'll have to be careful about back sliding! Feeling more depressed.

[roist]

I am sorry for your anxiety and worries. There are tonnes of sites on the web that can help you with that. I am not belittling what you are experiencing.It is tough. But I bet most of what you are feeling is self inflicted (rehashing the past or stressing about the future) and hence you can decide how you let that affect you.

For example your H telling you he wants a D.

Firstly you do not know that so don't assume it to be true.

Secondly if that is how he feels now and he wants to tell you that, he will. There is nothing you can do to stop it. So stressing changes nothing.

Thirdly even if he says that now, it is just a reflection of his current thinking. That can change. The proof is it changed from when ye got married till now.

Fourthly it changes nothing. Yes it confirms the bad state of your M and his intentions. But your path remains the same. You need to focus on that because only that is controllable.

You have had a long slog. Breath. Breath deep. You haveffriends here who will stand with you and help you through this.

Best wishes

[roist]

Oh yeah...... fifthly.You know that you should remain calm unemotional and validate IF he makes such a statement. That is priceless as reacting the wrong way really does not help

[Buxom]

Thank you foist! All good points that I used to have in my control. The last few years have ground me down and this last year with the breast cancer treatments, I'm both physically and emotionally drained.
I do rehash a lot! Working on that and processing a different way of dealing. Hard work that I know will serve me well. I have been reading and rereading all the suggestions on my thread and ill be prepared for the worst.