Yes, my wife was sexually abused by her babysitter and the babysitter's boyfriend and she had very strict, if not abusive, parents as well. I knew about some of the issues when we got married and I was happy to be there for her, but the EA has been a deal breaker. It's sad and unfortunate. My IC (who was our MC) says that my wife is very damaged. I wish I could help her, but I didn't break her and I can't fix her.
Buxom -- I hope your time away is giving you some time to relax some and tend to your mental health.
On the question of helping his dad, I think it's admirable you'd tell him anything other than "No way" given what's he's done to you, but then I'm just a noob making tons of mistakes every day. I think the DB way would be to look at your relationship with his father (not your relationship with your WH) and determine what you want to do or not do for the father, without regard to how it might play in the context of your marital sitch.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Hi, I haven't followed your thread but thought I'd swing by. I'm sorry you are in this situation, it's sounds like your wh, checks in and out like mine. Wrt his elderly fathers care, I guess in my eyes it falls to your r with your FIL, I also care for my MIL. And I still have been throughout h's ups and downs. My reasoning that I continue is that I have a great r with her. I in no way do it to help him, but more so that she is my family and I care for her also
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Thanks Doodler. I'm keeping a list of things to remind myself when I'm feeling discouraged and your line of you didn't break her and you can't fix her is going on the list. I know we are not supposed to try and direct treatment or suggestions for them and it's darn hard!!! I wrote him a letter today, not to give him but to sort my thots. Not sure if it helped yet. Part of the processing though.
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Cherry, thanks for stopping by! I've followed your thread and hope that you are doing well. I do have a good r with FIL but it also will be a big favour for WH and his siblings who like to pass the buck. It's their dad and they're all being non committal. I have no problem helping out and I won't do it all. I'm hoping WH and I can go together. Some of the care is quite intimate I think. Anyway it would be nice to get out of our house and have different time together. Bad idea?
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Jruss, thanks for the thoughts. I'm still away and finding it harder than I thought. Normally, I would be texting and calling wh. It's what we always used to do. As per my prediction yesterday, he is entirely dark today. Why do I let it bother me? I'm trying not to be a doormat and trying to be unpredictable and mysterious. Tomorrow I will let them know I'm spending another night. Also still 180 strong.
I'm fighting my brain and my history with him in doing this new routine. It's hard and necessary and I hope he doesn't think I'm turning my back on him. Then I remind myself that he knows what I want cos I laid it out in June. My anxiety is higher than I expected. I'm struggling to focus on me. It's better when I walk the dog and pick berries so I likely need to stay away from the books and reading too much here right now. Feeling a bit more depressed overall and I had hoped to return home refreshed and sparkling. Colleen
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Ok, I am freaking out! So many questions and flip flipping from patience and just leave him already! Then when I think of that, I look at all the reasons to stay and want to try harder. Then back to remembering all the details,that I know, of his current attachments. My denial protected me up til now and Now it hurts, hurts, hurts! I'm not even home at the mo. He's not communicated much and only once to ask how it's going, the rest about his dad, one joke and forwarding bills paid. I do not know what I'm walking back into. I Know I have No control, only control me, but right now I feel so emotionally out of control. What the h3ll do I do now??
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
WH just texted that "we have to talk". I feel sick!! I've been away four days and will return tomorrow. He's been increasingly disconnected and more downs than ups in the last two weeks.
If he tells me he wants a divorce or separation, I know I can't be emotionally reactive. He hates that. I've kept it under control for over a year now mostly and he says he doesn't trust my changes. What I NEED FROM EVERYONE is how is the best way to handle this? I need to be prepared or I know I will blow it.
At what point do I say, " This is not what I want."?? I can listen and validate but I need words!!!! And what else not to do! If the talk is anything else I can deal, but if this is the big one..... I have to be prepared!! I feel sick!
Also, he said before, when mad and yelling, that it was me who would be leaving. How do I respond to that cos I have no intention of leaving my house.
Thank you so much in advance for your Help!
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Buxom, I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time. Take a moment and just breathe! I would suggest that if he pushes to have a talk, I would sit and listen to what he has to say. Allow him to completely finish his conversation and if there are things that he says you know aren't true or he sounds very unhappy, I would start out by saying "H, I'm sorry you feel that way". If he brings up the subject of divorce, be honest and say "H, I'm sorry you feel that way. If a divorce is what you want, then I'm not going to stand in your way of getting one." If he wants to discuss splitting up assets, etc., stay "H, I need some time to think about all of this and I will let you know what my thoughts are at a later time." Keep things simple because if you start so show emotion, he's going to react to it and normally not in a positive way.
Since you are a very new member of the group, I wanted to advise you to stick to one thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. Your other thread has less than 40 postings/replies. The reason we are asked to stick to one thread at a time is because we need to be able to post to one thread at a time and when there are multiple threads on the forum, we, the readers, will not know which one to post to because they are all active. Also, multiple threads doesn't allow us to keep up w/your situation, i.e., just as you will have a difficult time referring back to postings to see your progress. Also, you can change your subject line within a thread at any time. Cadet will most likely merge your two threads together.
For now, breathe! Try to stay calm. His talk may be happen or it could be about something else, i.e., something minor, but is important to him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just because he SAYS he wants a divorce and just because you VALIDATE that he wants one does not mean anything. He still has lots of work to do to get a divorce. Personally I would not help him. If he wants a divorce then agree with him, validation, I understand husband that you want a divorce. Then STFU and just listen and no matter what he says - agree. You are just speaking words. Just take NO ACTIONS on these words - OK?
You are attaching a lot of EXPECTATIONS to this "TALK" I would try to lower them to zero.
