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Have you heard the expression, "Wherever you go, there you are."? My same old brain has followed me here. Funny how yesterday I felt calm, focused, independent and safe emotionally and now here I am trying to rediscover how I did that yesterday.

Day two started with the same anxiety I left home with. These few days are for me to start changing a number of old, stupid habits... codependent, fears, thought patterns and work on detachment. I will admit to feeling disappointed that I did not get a text from WH since I left, guess I wanted one... so add "no expectations" to the list! Anything from him will be a surprise and hopefully a good one. I guess we get so used to living with and within one another that thoughts and action become intertwined. It's amazing how he seems to have turned the "us" part off or turned it around in such a way that I cannot. I just have to find my switch. Today, during my reading and thinking, I will write out what resonates with and what helps.


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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Thanks surfer! Great to hear from you again! Weird how I checked messages here before I posted and did not see this until now.
It's a process I guess and the challenge will be to keep focused on me when I return home.


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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Posts: 1,273
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Buxom, if it helps please feel reassured that I do really understand. I am going through exactly the same today. At times I manage to feel 'free' of what seems to be a horrible curse (everything you describe 'anxiety etc') if feel like I have detached but then realise I have not. I know really that I am slowly getting there and I therefore know you are too. I also suspect like me, in a way, you really don't want to detach. Because you want to re-attach with your H. I want the same with my W. I think this is normal. You are like two trees with intertwined roots. It takes a long time to disengage I suspect. But don't forget you are detaching from the anxiety not from him as such. That makes a lot of sense and of course you would want to - who 'wants' to feel anxious?

I guess the wayward spouse seems able to do this because they do it when they become wayward. H 'did' it, you still are 'in a process' but it's hard I understand - when all you want is a reflection of the love you feel for them. However, you are not going to get that right now so expecting it is only hurting you and the saddest part is that you end up hurting yourself. I find that you also start thinking it's all your fault too (or certainly take on too much of the blame - not that there should be any if you can cope with that). I guess forgiving and giving less of a cr@p - zero expectations, as you say, is a good plan.

Also, don't forget you want him to change, and if he has still not, then you probably don't want this version of him. Give it time (and him) and most importantly give yourself time.

In terms of getting back to relaxing, what about reading, walking, biking etc. Have you done any of that today? Does it help? I find reading works - problem is all I want to read about is DB'ing and self help at the moment - I would have seen all that as silly nonsense reading a few years ago! 😄


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Thanks surfer, I feel you do understand the push and pull of wanting peace thru detachment but without the disconnection. It is a horrible curse and it's no wonder I stayed in denial so long!! WH had a long affair of two years PA and then two more of EA, the b!ich would not let go!!! He seemed like my guy again after rehab and thru my cancer treatments. We were closer than had been in years, then this new A starts and he's right back into MLC. I know for a fact he's with her now as he told me the AA gang was going to support another member in a play today. He even reminded me of it as I was leaving yesterday. I have to wonder what he wants from me? Then I think, regardless, what do I need to do for me cos he's gonna do what he's gonna do. I wish it was like the USA and that I could lock him out of the house. He won't leave and said he'd make it hard for me to stay. I wonder tho what kind of message they get (their perspective) on the way we are responding to this. I get all tied in knots over whether he might take an approach that further damages the marriage and other times I wonder if in near done. The latter makes me cry.

I did go for a walk, read outside and picked berries. Too windy to bike ride today. The reading is dbing and alanon which helps to detach. I struggle with some of it cos I've been a dormant and some strategies sound doormat like. Do you have similar struggles with the strategies?


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


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Posts: 253
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I also find it hard to be on the forums here to read the hardships that may lay ahead for me and my kids S18 & D16.
The MLC ones made me cry this morning.

The veil of denial lifted from me over the last week and I go back and forth between anger and sadness, both bring tears


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 1,273
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Oh Buxom. You are having such a hard time of it. I do understand how you are feeling. It is so confusing at times isn't it. I guess there is a tendency to overthink, thinking about what if...etc. You also deep down want to do whatever needs doing to mend things. But you can't and sadly neither can I. I just have to accept that, but some days it is harder than others isn't it?

Perhaps the "locking him out" etc point and feelings towards the OW (whilst totally understandable and normal) might get in the way to some degree. I had exactly the same feelings towards my WW's OM. However those feelings are Going slowly and I am really trying to forgive, to protect me, and therefore ultimately the kids. I guess anger, resentment, etc are all feelings that come from that grief cycle that we keep going round. I have learned to accept my feelings more than I used to. To not fear them as such if I can. I find it is hard to do if you are feeling run down, tired etc of course and given the kids, chemo etc you will probably not be sleeping well etc. Particularly when you are worried what the WH is up to - try not to, you can't control his actions. We all keep getting told this but we forget as emotions kick in and anxiety starts tapping us on the shoulder. I was just thinking that I don't want to have emotions any more, but of course I do as I wouldn't be able to love my D8 or S6 or my wife and family without them.

I think a good nights sleep will help if you can get one. Don't know, I'd often have a drink to help me sleep but that started getting out of hand so need to be carefull there but just had some saffron tea which I read is good - particularly with milk. The fresh air picking berries will hep you to sleep also.

Don't forget that the behaviour of others, as described on forums etc, is unique. Whilst there are often similarities each situations is different, so try not to worry about what could happen - because it may not. It can result in negative self talk also - which can tend to influence your actions.....and might lead to the things you are trying to run from. Positive thoughts only tonight.

I do struggle with s strategies. I think you have to be aware of them but not apply them too rigidly at times though. I was all 'go dark' but then realised that I was not communicating at all with the WW that just won't work. So I now talk to her about the kids and just try to keep it light and happy - at times I am, at times I'm not. Here and there she has talked to me about her feelings or has cried. Again feelings. So I think I am doing a few things right. I also struggle with what is cake eating etc - I.e what behaviour should I consider unacceptable etc. I am trying not to worry about that though and also not second guess. Who knows, perhaps the concert is exactly that - so many times I have done the negative self talking thing and been wrong.

You are Buxom, you are in control of how you feel and you can try to detach. You are a good person and you are the one in the relationship that is doing all the good work and trying your best to keep the family together. For that I applaud you!!! I hope you have a good nights rest tonight and then feel more relaxed and in check as a result.

If you still feel shabby tomorrow - could try some vigorous exercise. It worked wonders for me earlier today!

You will be in my prayers tonight!


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
Issues2009
Wpartying w/g.f's2013on
EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR
ImeetAP/EAhalts
VariousBDDates
MFCourse
WSpew
EAresumes I halt
Wrages
DBIng4/2016




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Thanks again surfer!! A good night sleep is always good! I'd been sleeping well but woke anxious. Last night, my first night away, was not great but I'm trying not to use any sleep aid while away. Maybe I should!

I struggle with the cake eating idea too. Then I think I can't control what he does, only me. And I feel I cannot create an environment that he'd want to run from. I'm doing well with 180 and being light and busy. I don't condone the cake eating and really I don't know what he's up to. For all I know he did end the PA as stated. The ea is another matter. I've heard it can take a while to fully disengage from it. All the waiting and wondering if I'm doing it all right is wearing on me.

Today's been up and down emotionally. Fighting the head and the heart. I've re-read detachment, read chapter three in DR,and I keep picturing myself being calm and serene when he's home and away. I've read about compassion and I want to project that rather than giving him the finger thru closed doors or walls. Never in front of anyone but it does affect me much longer.


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 253
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Question... So many things I do or say can be taken as criticism or can have him feel like a jerk , a consequence of his actions it's true. Do they get more down on themselves and cause further distance and emotional damage becos of shame, and then I'm seen in a more negative light?

Seems like we can't win! frown


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 253
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You know what's frustrating is Knowing WH is texting many others in his life, daily, and I don't get a freaking good night text. I hate MLC and all the skanks who prey on married men! I know it's a choice the man makes and things are messed up... just where are the morals and values loyalties?? Vent over.


Me54 WH48
S18 D16
M 22 T 24
EA-PA-EA 2011-2015
Separated 10/14 - 06/15
BD1 02/14
BD2 05/16
BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again
Working on me and liking me again


Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
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Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 377
I'm right there with you, trying to detach - feeling sad, then feeling angry. Wanting it to be over somehow, but also wanting your spouse back. There's not much I can say other than I'm going through the same, and I know how most of the things I could say would just seem like empty platitudes so I won't bother. Just take it one day at a time.


Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs
D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs
BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16

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