Just a footprint to start my new thread and a warning signpost to all the other mind-readers out there.
For those who have stumbled on this thread I have driven myself, members of this forum, and friends mad with my guesses, theories and outright delusions. I combine this with rambling justifications that only create arguments and use up valuable reading and composing time. If you have nothing better to do, please feel free to read my prior threads and you will see how a man can be driven mad but believes himself to be the only sane one in the room.
Yesterday my WW finally moved out "on her own" after giving me 4 months of pure hell. The hell was one I created myself where I would intently focus on her and try to guess what was going on in her mind and in her actions. In this special hell I would often build my own tortures and imagine them to be useful tools.
I'm now trying to drop the rope and build my own meaningful life one baby step at a time. Will she come back? Will I take her back? Will the Toronto Maple Leafs ever win the Stanley Cup? The answer my friends is not blowing in the wind, the answer only comes after the fact and when you recognize it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey, good news about the interview Andrew - and well done for texting someone other than your W. I used to set myself little targets...I'm going to have a whole week without initiating any contact with XH, and then I'll review etc. Because we long to feel that bond again, it is hard to resist dropping little texts etc. But if we are 'doing what works' I really don't think it helps our cause.
I've reached the point where I don't think much about what I write to XH anyway, it's really just business and civil - and soon we won't have to write at all and I don't mind that either. So, it's possible to get to that place within 18 months or so. Some seem to get there much sooner. Having other stuff going on in your life really helps and can shift your sitch from absolute centre stage towards the wings over time.
Hope you have a good weekend and I'm keeping things crossed for you with this job too
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As a fellow mind reader AP, I feel for you. I spend many wasted hours trying to see some sense and logic from my h. Last week, he even said "forget what I say, look at my actions". This has just led to confusing me even more.
I don't think we could ever understand their thought process. Mostly because we are trying to see some logic, and I really don't think there is any.
I'm rooting for you. I think you're gonna come out the other side just fine
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Another fellow mind reader here and have had my moments of feeling crazy as my W words and actions are poles apart. Even yesterday, had an unorganised converstation about the house and after many barbs from her that I did manage to navigate, she came up with "I appreciate what you are doing". This is after a month of angry emails, texts threatening me with her lawyer and legal action.
Unfortunately I did slip up at that point and told her that no she doesn't appreciate me which ended the conversation and I left.
I agree with you Cherry that I keep trying to put logic into her thought process and how can she not see the reality of the situation we are in with a new unfinished house.
Just a footprint to start my new thread and a warning signpost to all the other mind-readers out there.
For those who have stumbled on this thread I have driven myself, members of this forum, and friends mad with my guesses, theories and outright delusions. I combine this with rambling justifications that only create arguments and use up valuable reading and composing time. If you have nothing better to do, please feel free to read my prior threads and you will see how a man can be driven mad but believes himself to be the only sane one in the room.
Yesterday my WW finally moved out "on her own" after giving me 4 months of pure hell. The hell was one I created myself where I would intently focus on her and try to guess what was going on in her mind and in her actions. In this special hell I would often build my own tortures and imagine them to be useful tools.
I'm now trying to drop the rope and build my own meaningful life one baby step at a time. Will she come back? Will I take her back? Will the Toronto Maple Leafs ever win the Stanley Cup? The answer my friends is not blowing in the wind, the answer only comes after the fact and when you recognize it.
Very poetically stated. Words to the wise for all LBS. Proof of progress in your journey. Hang in there my DBing friend. The distance and absence of WW will grant even more clarity and provide room for the sanity you desire. The journey is just beginning, but the lesson learned and shared here will provide you a sound foundation for you and a bright future if you learn from it and make the needed efforts to push forward.
Be well today and may you feel moments of peace and calm.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thank you so much everyone for the words of support and encouragement.
This morning I've woken up for the first time where I need to start figuring things out and would like some opinions.
Firstly I'm thinking that the first thing I should do is - nothing. No big changes, no purchases to replace stuff that doesn't matter, just make do and re-arrange what's left and move on. I'm a single middle-aged man with 2 cats in a large 4 bedroom house. I don't actually need much and probably still have too much stuff.
Secondly - W hasn't put her pay into our joint account and I've left her access to our cloud based book-keeping software intact. My L advised me to not cut W off from marital assets. It means going into our line of credit for a bit but I can survive. I was going to nag her and remind her that S22 relies on us to support him (that transfer hasn't happened either) but he'll manage. I know how to change joint to nothing quite quickly and it's only money that she could take.
Nextly - I haven't told S22 or D24 that W has walked out. She said she'd tell them. S22 is expecting to come home for a funeral next weekend. I'm figuring that I'll call them and talk to them Wednesday whether W does or not.
Lastly - for the new job I need a fairly high security clearance. On the form they want to know my marital status. I've filled it out as married with W living at the same address. She was still wearing her rings when she left and has not changed her status on Facebook. She has not told me her new address and I've not asked although she said she is getting her mail redirected. She told me that she is only living where she is until the end of September. Am I OK in leaving the forms as they are? Should I contact W and advise her? My plan right now is to pretend to the outside world that everything is normal even though it's not and leave it to W to make the next move. There's a (low) risk that W might screw up the security clearance but for now I'm still her plan B while she is eating her outside cake so I don't expect that.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Actually "do nothing" isn't quite true. I was going to pick up some bankers boxes and load them up with W's crap as I do my de-cluttering this weekend and put them in our enclosed front porch. This is part of my plan to make the house more "mine". Non crap stuff that she might think she has a claim to will be left where it is.
OK idea?
My SILs had a giggle about a couple of things I shared with them last night.
The first was the text exchange: W - .... access to the remainder of my belongings ME - I hate to ask. What's left that you might have some vague claim to?
The next was from when I reviewed the camera footage from my home office. The part where I had thought W was copying files (I scanned them for myself more than a month ago) was just her legitimately taking some stuff. However an earlier set of shots that I didn't see showed her crawling across the floor to stay out of camera view and rooting through my desk drawers presumably looking for the file I had shown her previously that had the divorce forms and other things which I said "I'm not showing you now".
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi AndrewP, I've been following along your story, but I'm not sure if I've posted on your thread at all... if I did, it's been awhile. Anyway...
1- this sounds like you're packing for her. Not sure if you should do it or not, but I understand your thoughts behind it.
2- I always worry when access is available for the spouse who is leaving. She hasn't contributed to the joint account, yet she gets to take from it? But whatever your lawyer advises is best.
3- What do you plan to say to your kids?
4- I think you should list your status as separated. I don't think there's a need for her address as you don't have children who need visitation.
I'm glad to see this recent turn in you. I hope you continue to watch her actions and stop reading into things. Don't spend too much time de-cluttering this weekend. Get some fresh air. Maybe re-unite with an old friend. Go to the movies. Try something new!
