Piecing. Can I make this work?

[LiM]

When the two of you decided to start Piecing, did you go to MC?

Yes. We started piecing in April while my W was still living in her rent house. During April, we started going on dates and spending a lot of time together. At the beginning of May, she started sleeping at our house again every night and she fully moved back in before the end of the month. We started MC on May 3rd.

[MrBond]

Did you tell the C about how you were feeling and thoughts of the A? Sometimes you need to tell your spouse what you need to hear or have done in order to heal. It does take time.

[LiM]

Last Saturday, I met with OM's Wife. My W was gone for the day at a bike race so I took that opportunity to go meet with OM's W. I didn't want my W to know beforehand because she would worry. I told her about it afterwards.
OM's W and I talked for 3 hours. I had a lawyer prepare a cease and desist letter (because she keeps contacting my W) and had it in my pocket but I ended up not giving it to her.
We talked about our mutual hurt. There wasn't any real spouse bashing going on.
From reading the FB messages between OM and my W, I felt that she was being treated very disrespectfully (by the way he spoke to her). OM's W told me that he was in fact doing that. He became the pursuer after I kicked my W out of the house. He then had easy access to her and he admitted to his W that he would pursue my W whenever he wanted to get off and would bug my W relentlessly until she caved. OM told his W that he was basically acting out any and all porn he had ever looked at.
I learned that OM's W had to get a new car because even after detailing the car (used during their encounters) that the "taint" was still there. OM's W told me that she is sickened by having to see images of my W on FB and that she is afraid she would vomit if she ever has to see my W. So I'm thinking "Why the HELL do you keep contacting her then!?!?!?!"

She doesn't blame my W for the A anymore than she does her husband. And I feel the same way. I don't blame OM anymore than I blame my W.
I asked her to stop contacting my W and suggested that she block my W on FB so that she doesn't have to accidentally see anything my W posts (even though they aren't friends on FB). She was still asking if I felt we might ever all sit down together and discuss whats happened and I just told her that I didn't see the point. I also told her it would be a very bad if her husband and I were ever in the same room together. I think she got the gist that I don't want to ever have anything to do with them and that she should not contact my W anymore. That's why I decided not to give her the letter from the lawyer. That will get used if she tries to contact us again.

Where am I at today? I honestly don't know. Yesterday was 8 months since BD. We are fast approaching the 1 yr anniversary of when the A started and it just makes me sick. Our 20 year anniversary is in December and unfortunately, my W was with OM on our anniversary last year. I had originally thought that I wanted to renew our M vows this year but I just can't bring myself to make plans for that. I have a feeling I'm going to be in a very bad place on that day. I find myself imaging my life without my W. My W is remorseful and is a better person today than she was a year ago. But I just can't get the "taint" out of my head. Still very much just taking things 1 day at a time.

[doodler]

But I just can't get the "taint" out of my head. Still very much just taking things 1 day at a time.

LiM,

I understand and I'm very sorry. I hope you can get through the icky stuff.

[blueboy]

Hi LiM

Please to hear the meeting with OM W went ok, well done!

Hope you feel better soon, I just think you have to live day to day and keep in the present!

I suppose imagining life without your W is you mind protecting it self against the future possibilities of things going wrong, I have the same feeling day and just want to give up, but the I try and remember the good times we have had in the last 21 years against the bad times!

[MrBond]

So I ask again.

Did you tell the C about how you were feeling and thoughts of the A? Sometimes you need to tell your spouse what you need to hear or have done in order to heal. It does take time.

[LiM]

So I ask again.

Did you tell the C about how you were feeling and thoughts of the A? Sometimes you need to tell your spouse what you need to hear or have done in order to heal. It does take time.

Did the MC specifically ask "So LiM, how do you feel about all this?" No, he didn't. But both he and my W certainly know exactly how I feel. Have I specifically told my W what I need in order to heal? Well, that's a little difficult. So yes, we have talked about what I need in general terms; not really specifics. First of all, I don't even really know what I need to heal. If I had a list of things that she could say or do, I might tell her. But I don't know what I need. Secondly, I would prefer her to figure out what she needs to be doing. If she is able to figure it out on her own, then that means she's spent a LOT of time thinking about it. This is exactly what I have done to address my part of our M problems. I dug deep to figure out who I was and the life I was living and figured out what I needed to do to change everything that wasn't ok. I made 180's.

If I had to pinpoint one single thing that I KNOW that I need, its that I need to be pursued. I need to know that I am not plan B, that she regrets the A to the core of her being and that she will fight for me and never give up for me. I need to know that she wants me.

[Cherry]

I think that you are dealing with this really well. The thought of a pa and someone else with our spouse is the thing that worst nightmares are made of. But given the right amount of effort, you can and I'm sure will move along from it.

But you are right in a way that you have not told her exactly what she needs to do. I'm with you on the school of thought that although communication is key, they really do need to think about their actions and how they can put things right. Does your wife seem remorseful? In just thinking, there could be an issue with pride or worry that if she persues you, you might turn her down? Just a thought.

[LiM]

Does your wife seem remorseful? In just thinking, there could be an issue with pride or worry that if she persues you, you might turn her down? Just a thought.

Yes, I believe she is remorseful. But the question in my mind is "why?" Is she remorseful for what she did and wants me back more than anything in the world or is she worried she really screwed up a good thing and just wants to come back because its easy. While our M was certainly not perfect and I certainly had a lot of things that needed to be changed, we had a good thing going. We both needed to do a lot of "self" work and work on a lot of issues in our M, but we had a good thing.

I think I figured out what the A boils down to. My W had ZERO sense of self worth. She was looking for anyone or anything (her triathlon stuff) to make her feel worthy. Why didn't I make her feel worthy? I didn't. I didn't lift her up the way I should have. But at the end of the day, you have to feel worthy all on your own. That has to come from within. Although there was a lot more I could have been doing to be a good husband, a sense of self worth comes from within. That's one thing I've found through all of this. I know that I am good enough all on my own. My W isn't there yet and that's probably impeding her ability to make amends. She trying but I see that she still has no sense of self worth.

I love my W but I'm afraid I'm not in love with her. But I'm still trying every day even though I don't want to. I'm hoping that if I try hard enough, long enough, that the pain will fade and I will come to be in love with her again.
I've planned a date for us tomorrow evening. We haven't done a real date, where I plan everything, in a few months. We've done LOTS of things together, but not a real date in a while. I guess the reason that I haven't is because I want HER to take the initiative. I want to be pursued. Even though I know I am "enough" I still want to feel needed, wanted and pursued.

[MrBond]

"No, he didn't. But both he and my W certainly know exactly how I feel."

You're expecting them to be mindreaders which is what the WAS does. Tell them how you feel. If your C is any good, he/she will tell you how to navigate through it.

"If I had to pinpoint one single thing that I KNOW that I need, its that I need to be pursued."

Then tell them that. One thing though is to not go in with expectations. What you'll find happening is that you'll keep raising the bar and if YOU feel your W isn't doing what you think she should be doing, you're going to pull the old "see, if you REALLY loved me you'd do this..." That's WAS talk.

"I need to know that I am not plan B, that she regrets the A to the core of her being and that she will fight for me and never give up for me."

No one could ever do that because it's not measurable. You need to say exactly what it is you need and you also have to do your part.

"I need to know that she wants me."

She's back with you now, right? Take that as a starting point. Trust me, there are many on here who would die to be in your shoes right now.