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Lim hang in there. 3 months is a very short period of time. It took my W almost 2 years to apologize for what she had done. I mean genuinely feel bad about what it did to us as a family and her as a person.
She will get over it with time and so will you.
Like Sandi said I don't think you will ever forget it.
Like anything else, it takes time. Just the other day I was running in a park where I know my W spent time with OM.
No way that would have happened 2 years ago. Did I think about it and remember it? yes
But it didn't bother me
It just takes time. Keep being there for your W


M 37 W 30
S 7
Together 10 years
Married 9 years
BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day)
I moved to apartment 1/11/13
W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13
Peicing: 6/3/13
Reconciled: 7/2013
BD2: 4/20/16
still working on it
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Quote:
I have forgiven my W. I couldn't have let her come home if I hadn't. I can get over the A. My fear is that I can't get over it if she continues to see it as a "blessing" for the rest of our lives. But if this is just part of the withdrawal, I need to find the strength to endure it.


I am saying this with more tenderness than my previous post, Lim. It is wonderful you were able to forgive her. Success means that you keep on forgiving her. In order for both of you to make it through this hell, you have to forgive her time, after time, after time again. Every time you have these doubts and fears. Every time she carelessly does something that causes you pain, frustration, or brings back a bad memory. Every time you feel like giving up, you have to forgive her. Please understand that forgiveness does NOT mean it makes what she did right, nor any approval from you. It is not forgetting it by sweeping it under the rug. I won't go into a lot of what it is and isn't. There is a ton of information on the Internet on the subject of forgiving......when healing from an affair.

I hope I can help a tiny bit in putting some your fear to rest, by telling you that once your W gets completely through the withdrawals, and she has sufficient time to recooperate ......she will not see OM as any blessing, whatsoever. I can't stress enough how this takes more time than you LBH'S think it will. She has a painful journey ahead of her. She is not restored all at one time. Maybe that's what H's don't understand about the WW. It comes in baby steps for her. Some women recover a lot faster than others, but I have not seen any that just made a complete turnabout at one time. She did not become wayward overnight, and she won't come out of it overnight.

It was nine years ago, when I started my journey back. I am thoroughly disgusted...to the point of wanting to gag, when I think of OM.....(which I never think of him these days, except when I make a reference such as now). My actions caused so much pain and I will forever, sorely, regret my behavior/involvement/feelings/ thoughts and the words I said to him. Many words were typed on the computer and my H saw them. He almost had a heart attack, and his health has steadily went down since that time. I did that to him.

I don't go back and read my story, and some of the dates and how long it took for this and that to happen.......I can't remember as well now. However, I promise you that I have no positive feelings for OM. But know this, I did not get to this point in a few months. I was coming to the board, getting the tools I needed.........and it still took me like (I can't remember)......... a year, before I could go to my H with humility and a broken a heart for what I had done to him, our M, and our family. And I had been trying to get better! You see, I still had that mindset of resentment and disrespect, plus I had a lot of stubborn pride. I had a lot of forgiving to do, too. In fact, I had so much work (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) to do. It is a process for the W who was wayward, and everyone's length of time varies......but it's still a process. For the record, it didn't take nine years, I've just stayed on the board that long. smile


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
For the record, it didn't take nine years, I've just stayed on the board that long. smile


Sandi,

Let me just say for me, and I'm sure countless other LBS's on this board, THANK YOU for being here. You are truly a treasure and I'm blessed to have you provide your insight.

I don't mind 2x4's. Sometimes, that's exactly what it takes to get though to someone. I'm glad you care enough to deliver that 2x4 to me.

I guess my feeling was that if my W was remorseful, then all the feelings associated with OM would instantly sour. But I don't guess that's realistic. I hate it but that's the way it is. I guess that I've also not recognized that forgiveness is something that I will continually need to do. She will likely continue to do and say things that will hurt my feelings and so long as she doesn't go back to having an A, I will just have to be the bigger man and continue to forgive and be the lighthouse.

Thank you for encouraging me to believe that the positive feelings associated with OM will eventually fade with time. I needed to hear that. My problem right now is that because I know she still sees him as a "blessing", I want to withdraw from her. It makes me want to not be around her, not look at her and not be affectionate with her. I guess I need to work with IC and MC on tools to help me deal with those emotions. I DO want to have positive experiences with my W. I DO want to be affectionate with her. I just don't know how to put all this other $h!t out of my mind so that those good, loving feelings will return to me.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Jul 2016
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Sandi,

Let me just say for me, and I'm sure countless other LBS's on this board, THANK YOU for being here. You are truly a treasure and I'm blessed to have you provide your insight.

I agree with LiM Sandi. In the short time I have been here your support and comments for me and what I have read to others have been inspiring. I don't know you, but the fact that you come here on what appears to be a daily basis to help us LBH is evidence of a good heart. For me, I will take this quote from you today:
" Success means that you keep on forgiving her. In order for both of you to make it through this hell, you have to forgive her time, after time, after time again. Every time you have these doubts and fears. Every time she carelessly does something that causes you pain, frustration, or brings back a bad memory. Every time you feel like giving up, you have to forgive her. Please understand that forgiveness does NOT mean it makes what she did right, nor any approval from you. "

It means a lot us all.


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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How are you going LIM, just want to check in as we are in a similar place.


Me: 40 W: 36
T21 M17
S12 D10 D10
ILYBNILWY
EA happened.
PA happened.
June 2016
trying to piece our M and life's back together...
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Lim: I just read this thread and I'm blown away. You are a strong and awesome man. Everyday, all day my W goes through my head and I want nothing more than her to return. After reading yours and other similar threads, I'm reminded that once my W comes home - the real work will begin.

I am blown away by your courage.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
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Hi bigybiz,

I'm glad my story spoke to you. Thanks for your kind words.

Blueboy,

Thanks for checking on me.
I used to frequent these boards multiple times a day. Lately, I don't as much.

My W and I are getting along pretty well. We've stopped talking about the A. Its rarely discussed even though it is ALWAYS on my mind. My W hasn't contacted OM's W in over a month and a half. We continue to go to MC 1 or 2 x a month. She also goes to IC. I haven't been to IC in a while.
My W is trying to get back into her triathlon training. I've been participating to some degree with her. I'm not an athlete like her at all but I am fit and can do activities with her. She's supposed to run the NYC marathon in November and she's going to try to do a triathlon next month.

Our 20th anniversary is in December. In May, I told her that I wanted to renew our M vows this year. But at the place I am at right now, I don't know if I can do that. My W was with OM on our anniversary last year. I just don't know if I can do anything to celebrate this year. Its pretty painful for me. I'm afraid I'm at a point of ILYBNILWY. I'm sure I'll be fine given enough time but I just can't get that $h!t out of my head and I don't know that I can live with someone that constantly reminds me of that. I'm just committed to taking each day as it comes and if someday I decided I don't want to do it anymore, then I'll make a decision then.

When going through the middle of an A, all we can think about is getting our S back. But it is much, much harder than you would ever imagine if you actually get that far. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
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Yes that must be tough.it is understandable that it is on your mind but dwelling on it is not going to help you. I have no words that will make that easier. What would it take to help you get passed the A? Are you happy to no longer talk about it? After a certain point it is healthy to stop discussing the A, but that is not the same as sweeping it under the carpet.

Yes take it day by day. No need to worry further down the line. Feelings can change and if both of you do the necessary,tthere is no reason ye cannot have a much happier future. You have done a lot of good work since BD. Give yourself time to readjust. You can do it.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Hi Lim,

I am glad to see you here. I don't check/post much either but I do find it is still helpful in the process of piecing. As I always say this is a very long road. I am 16 months into piecing and I still think about the A often and can say that my feelings still change at times. There is a honeymoon/bonding phase, which is short lived, because we are so overcome with relief. The reality is that this person we loved, trusted, and dedicated our lives to hurt us and betrayed us in the worst way possible. We owe it to ourselves to honor those feelings but also to understand that they cannot be the one to heal us. Detachment continues in piecing. DB is a way of life to be independent and continue to 180 & GAL for us and us alone.

I know what you mean about ILYBINILWY and I think it is "normal" for that to last a long time. Those feelings are not based on emotion and attraction any longer but ultimately will be a daily choice. It choice may or may not come as time goes on. That is okay if you choose to withdraw. But as you continue to be the best man you can be, your Rs in life will be stronger. This is the silver lining for all of us in this he11 we've been dealt.

I admire you for thinking practically and hanging in there. If months and years go by and you decide that this M is not right for you then that is okay. You will at least feel resolve that you did what you could to give it your best shot. For me, I look at my H and the benefits to everyone in the family and choose each day to try and make it work. I don't let my emotions lead me. Some days I pull back naturally and some days I work on a connection. Most days I do nothing for my M and just live.

What I can say also is that the thoughts and triggers may be there for a long while, but naturally overtime the emotional impact they have on you will fade. It is then that your decision process becomes more clear. Allow that time if you can.

Stay with us here. As you read other sitches and give support and advice to people in mid crisis, it will help you understand your sitch and your W better as well.

(((Lim)))

-Blu


“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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Trust once broken takes a long time to rebuild. You are really only a month and a half away from contact with the OM. I've read a number of places that trust may take up to 3 years to be back where it was. It depends on the situation. I am about 1.5 years out of getting to the bottom of my W's A and it still bothers me, just less. It gets better with time.


Me:49 W:45
M:19 T:22
EA confirmed and ended 8/2014
S:19,17 D:9,5
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