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Previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...787#Post2636787

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...479#Post2637479

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...973#Post2653973

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2667741&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2685360&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2690759&page=1


I posted a brief recap of my sitch in the past 2 or 3 threads so I won't do that again here.
My W and I are piecing. She is remorseful and I believe she is doing everything she can to make amends. If you were to ask me what else she could be doing, I don't know that I could list anything. She has (for now) finally stopped contacting OM's W. They are both blocked from text, email and phone calls. Getting her to stop contact OM's W was a big battle for me.

My main issue now is trying to figure out if I can ever "get over" the fact that the A happened. I love my W and I do want to stay M, but I can't live the rest of my life under the shadow of the A.
A few weeks ago, my W felt the need to confront OM about a hurtful text he sent to my W. He basically told her that he never cared about her and that it was only F'ing. Instead of confronting or trying to contact him, she wrote a letter. A letter that will never be sent. I read that letter because she texted the contents to a friend and I have access to all her text messages. That letter said:
The realization of what I was to you - what you told me in that text - is devastating to me. I guess I have been in denial long enough haven't I? I feel so sick. How could I give in like that? How could I have fallen so hard and felt so strong emotion for a lie?
I didn't lie to you about my feelings, my heart or my soul. I didn't use you as an experiment. I won't twist my truth and lie to save anyone else's feelings. You can't include me in that statement from your test that stated NOTHING was real. For me, it was real. You can't decide for the both of us.
I know walking away was the right thing for us. We wondered why this was happening and we now know it was to eventually strengthen our marriages.
The truth for me is the same as it has always been. Even in my pain, devastation, anger, tears, depression, loneliness and selfishness, it is the same. Even with your pain, fear and cowardly ways, it is the same.
YOU ARE A LIGHT AND A BLESSING.......My life is better because you were part of it.


I posted this in my last thread but I'm posting again because it is something that I still struggle with. I understand she had feelings for him. I understand she felt it was real. I'm fine with all that. What I'm not fine with is that she sees the A as something that happened so that our M could be BETTER. I'm not fine with her seeing him as a blessing and that her life is better because he was a part of it. The truth is that the A almost destroyed our M (and may still). He is not a blessing. He is a blight.

My question is, am I just supposed to accept that she views the A and OM as a blessing in her life? Am I not just living a lie if I choose to live with a woman that believes this? I don't know that I can. Should I just accept that this is just "fog" talk and that eventually she will see it as that? I just don't know that I can live the rest of my life with my W if she views the A as a blessing instead of a tragic, hurtful decision that she regrets.

Ugh.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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LiM What if the reality is that at that time in her life he "was" a blessing to her? She's not at that time in her life anymore now. Does that turn a past blessing into a curse? Perhaps not.

It is a concern if the next time she hits a rough patch she looks back at that bit of her past and thinks it's worth trying again. I'm very much not an expert enough in how anyone thinks to know what the right thing for her or you to think or do is though.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Whether you accept or not is your choice. Do you want to stay in a M or an R with her? You should come to terms with it and forgive IMO if you do. An IC and other sources may help. My WW is still very much in an A, but I have begun to run a separate track in my mind which offers forgiveness whether we get to R again or not. Why, because I realize I cannot live the rest of my life with this pain. I refuse. Don't do it to yourself man. Your W had chemicals blasting off in her brain (oxytocin, dopamine) which told her she fell in love with this dude. Imagine your first HS relationship and how bad it hurt when it ended. This is what I akin my WW's A to. She is like a child who feels finally free of being an adult and is off playing.

You don't see it now, perhaps you shouldn't or never will view this as a blessing. However, there are many statistics out there which show that couples who survive an A come back stronger, healthier, and better than ever before. Why? because they learned how to be individuals, they learned how to communicate, and they learned how to love each other properly in order to get back together. Again, those arn't my words - do some reading on it. The numbers are out there. Look at the psychology today website.

All things said, where you at [censored] nonetheless, but you are further ahead than me right now. She is back and the healing has begun for both of you I hope


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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PS - MWD's book DR, page 56 item #6 "an affair doesn't have to ruin a marriage" check it out


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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LiM,

I agree with CT. You need to get some help to eliminate the hurt you feel. Look at it from her perspective, it is a blessing to your W because she realized she had a good thing with you. It is in the past and it has to be let go so you and your W can move on with your R and M.

How much time will you give yourself to make an attempt to get past this feeling you have? Have you done everything you can to get past it or are there other things you can do?

I pray that you will heal from this and let the frustration and anger flow through you to have a good R again.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Originally Posted By: LiM

My question is, am I just supposed to accept that she views the A and OM as a blessing in her life? Am I not just living a lie if I choose to live with a woman that believes this? I don't know that I can. Should I just accept that this is just "fog" talk and that eventually she will see it as that? I just don't know that I can live the rest of my life with my W if she views the A as a blessing instead of a tragic, hurtful decision that she regrets.

Ugh.


My take is this. It is pretty well established that many people in doomsday "cults" don't tend to discard their beliefs when The End fails to come as expected. Even when confronted with overwhelming evidence, they tend to revise and double down on their beliefs rather than confront the possible reality that they may have been wrong or mislead or taken advantage of.

I know mind-reading is bad, but in that letter I see someone still struggling to process the ramifications of their actions. It may just be a needed waypoint on her way to coming to terms with everything, and doesn't mean she truly believes everything she wrote, or will still believe it tomorrow.

If I were in your shoes, I would try to view this as another "believe nothing they say" and focus on her actions, which seem to be genuine effort towards reconciling. With time and continued effort from your W you may come to view this as just a fog-induced hiccup; if you can't get over it you can always cross that bridge in the future, but no drastic change is needed now.

Rootin' for ya!


Me, WW - Upper 30s
BD - Apr 1 2016
EA - Apr 7 2016 (discovered; ongoing for months; did not confront right away)
Confronted wife about EA - May 17
Wife sent NC email to OM - July 11
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Lim, I am the last person to tell you how to feel. I can tell you what I have observed over the years. I see the H focusing on getting back his W from the clutches of the OM. Even those LBH'S who are able to reasonably detach, and then reconcile with his W, and experiences a period of vulnerability to becoming the WAH. It seems to happen shortly after the decision to reconcile. During the piecing stage, the behavior of his WW haunts him and his anger becomes darker.

Quote:
My main issue now is trying to figure out if I can ever "get over" the fact that the A happened. I love my W and I do want to stay M, but I can't live the rest of my life under the shadow of the A.


A therapist is probably needed to give you the tools to deal with it. I would think it's like a death. You don't exactly get over it, but you learn how to keep living, in spite of it.

You are in a lot of pain, and maybe expecting too much at this point. You are angry. That is not unreasonable. Death causes anger, too. But what can you do about it? You can't undo the death. Being angry that death took that person, doesn't do much to make things better....,.......but the anger is there. You have to feel it, and find a way to cry it out, scream it out, run it out, pray it out, attend therapy to get it out..............whatever to get it out. B/c the harsh reality is that we cannot change what happened. No matter how angry we are, it won't change the facts. So, let yourself have a period of time to feel the emotion of anger, just find a way to let it run out, so that you can get on with life.

Quote:
A few weeks ago, my W felt the need to confront OM about a hurtful text he sent to my W. He basically told her that he never cared about her and that it was only F'ing. Instead of confronting or trying to contact him, she wrote a letter. A letter that will never be sent. I read that letter because she texted the contents to a friend and I have access to all her text messages. That letter said:
I posted this in my last thread but I'm posting again because it is something that I still struggle with. I understand she had feelings for him. I understand she felt it was real. I'm fine with all that. What I'm not fine with is that she sees the A as something that happened so that our M could be BETTER. I'm not fine with her seeing him as a blessing and that her life is better because he was a part of it. The truth is that the A almost destroyed our M (and may still). He is not a blessing. He is a blight.


Look, I want your undivided attention b/c I want you to get this through your brain, okay? You are not seeing your W as an addict. I want to shake you............she is addicted!!! Would you take it so personally if she was addicted to drugs and you found a letter where she expressed how great she felt when she high with on the drug? Oh, I can hear all the betrayed spouses rising up and saying how this is different b/c of the betrayal and infidelity and everything else.......I know that. I am saying you are looking at her and expecting much more from her than you would an addict........aren't you? You said she was remorseful. Even so, she has to go through the withdrawals AFTER she ENDS all contacts that are TIED to the drug of her choice.

The decission to stay in the M and end the A did not automatically cut all the feelings your W had, like it or not.......that's how an addiction works. The drug addict can be remorseful and want to get clean.......but that doesn't do a thing to the cravings. She has to kick it. She has to go through the withdrawals. Your WW has not gone through withdrawals. When she wrote this letter, she was craving her drug of choice. Do you understand that? So you?

Deleat this letter! Stop reading it. It is poison to your soul. Every time you read it and post it here and talk about it, you take a big dose of poison. It is one thing to experience anger over the betrayal of your W, but quite another to nurse it. I see you hanging on to this letter as you nursing your anger. Sure you struggle with it. It doesn't get better by keeping the letter alive. Does it? Who is keeping it alive? You!

These are words of an addicted woman. No matter what excuse she gave you for her feeling the "need" to write..........that "need" was her craving. Do you get that? It was all fantasy. A dream castle that was pure fiction. So, throw that darn letter away and stop reading it. Right now, it is doing a lot more damage to your M........b/c you allow it to have power through you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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[/quote]Sandi2

Look, I want your undivided attention b/c I want you to get this through your brain, okay? You are not seeing your W as an addict.

[/quote]

Sandi2 is 100% right man. I just put the very similar statement in another post this morning. I compared my WW A to my Oxy addiction. I hit rock bottom and threw them into a garbage disposal. But guess what, if I'm in a room with it, I have to leave that room. I'm only 6 months off, too fragile. Your W, same thing. Again, not my words, the evidence out there to prove this is overwhelming. Oxytocin & Dopamine


"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies.
BD: Feb '16
D: Mar '17
Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing.
S6


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Thank you Sandi and the rest of you for taking the time to respond. Thank you for "shaking" me and making me listen.
This "letter" was written only a couple of weeks ago and the A ended only 3 months ago so not much time has elapsed.
I guess I haven't been looking at my wife as an addict. I've said the words but I guess I've not believed it. Its a lot easier to blow it off if I swap "affair" for "heroin." If I do that, the letter then becomes ridiculous.
I have forgiven my W. I couldn't have let her come home if I hadn't. I can get over the A. My fear is that I can't get over it if she continues to see it as a "blessing" for the rest of our lives. But if this is just part of the withdrawal, I need to find the strength to endure it.
I DO believe that we can come out of this stronger than we were before. I've changed SO much since all of this began. I'm not the same person and neither is my W. There are blessings, they just don't have anything to do with OM.
On Monday, I'm meeting with our MC by myself to discuss my fears that surround this letter. With the feedback I am getting here and with the help our our MC, I think I can find a healthy way to deal with my emotions and not lose sight of saving my M, which is still what I want.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 1,387
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This is all painful to read about.

Anyway, you might like reading "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. It could expand your view of human sexuality in the context of a monogamous marriage, might help you get over the affair just a bit better. Dunno.


Me: 50, MLC/WW 45
Young kids
Nov 2015: BD1
Apr 2016: BD2
Jan 2017: W filed
Feb 2017: D final
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