What Should I be Doing (no direction 8)

[Coconut]

Rose,

We both work FT, before M and the first 4 or 5 years we both cooked, I've always helped with housework. The last 3 or 4 years I'm the only one who cooks regularly, 1 - 2 times a week, when I don't feel like cooking she would wait till late then ask me what we are doing for dinner. I often expressed my desire for home cooked meals on a regular basis. I do all the dishes, garbage, bills, mail, and she cleans the house only when people are coming over, this has been going on for years and has always been a source of contention for me.

My S and I both have talked to her about her phone usage quite a few times, but she's never curbed it at all.

Ginger, I'm honest when I say my feelings have been around for years, not just post A. As for loving her, that's where I'm struggling, I don't think I love her, but I don't know if that's post A or long term. I know I love my thought of us together, what our life could be, but I really don't know if I love her, but realize that could be anger related.

I want to make sure it's clear that I would not give up on M if I knew an AP wasn't in the picture, but I do think there is one.


If I find proof there is an A, would anyone question me if I was to file for D?

[J5K]

Coconut,

I am telling you from first hand experience, hold off as much as possible. Only you can make the decision based off of an A.

Even after my D is final, I am still planning on doing things that STBX wants. Not because she wants it, because I want to be able to look at my boys and say I did everything that I could.

Personally, I want to be M'd once in my life. If it is more than once, I am hoping (small hope) but hoping it will be with my STBX sometime in the future. My rope has a ton of slack in it.

Those who keep score will not live in a healthy M. If you can do it all great! Don't put down you W because she can't. That is how I felt also, I did this, and I did that. I will never think like that again.

Only you can know when to move on.

I hope I am able to give you a different perspective on your sitch.

[CT1118]

JimKao, This is very good advice you gave:
"Even after my D is final, I am still planning on doing things that STBX wants. Not because she wants it, because I want to be able to look at my boys and say I did everything that I could."

I am doing the same. No matter how it turns out, my WW is still the mother of my S4. A good friend of mine whom I have allowed to track my sitch (mostly to watch me for signs of mental collapse at times)told me "One day your S4 will know the truth of all this, I just hope [WW name] conducts herself in a way which allows him to still respect her, because I know he will always respect you."

I see it in my best interest to make sure she still has dignity, self-respect, and the mental health to be a great mother to S4. I know she does not show that in terms of dealing with me, but my desire for the S4 to love her will always remain. When he is an adult and can decide things for himself - that will be up to her.

[cbtdad]

Cnut,
If you find proof she is having an affair then I would completely understand if you filed for divorce.
I know I would. That is a clear boundary that I have set with my W. I only told her once at the beginning of this, but I was as clear as can be.
If there is another person I would never be able to trust her again
I'm pretty sure you gave your W the same boundary
So I don't think anyone would fault you
Why do you think there is an OM?

[Rose888]

Have you considered a house cleaner and/or a meal service? We recently hired someone to clean the house twice a month, and it has been really nice not to argue over whose turn it is to clean the bathrooms.

It sounds like your wife is living in a state of guilty until proven innocent. It can be tough to prove the absence of an affair. Do you know what proof would look like for you?

Maybe my position is closer to Zephyr's than I thought. I am not saying divorce is never justified, but if you want a long term relationship, I think you have to accept ups and downs. That might mean times when your partner is just not that into you and when their commitment to your marriage is dangling by a thread.

Your sitch is not that old, and your wife doesn't want a D. It seems premature to throw in the towel if you are committed to the marriage.

[CT1118]

Your sitch is not that old, and your wife doesn't want a D. It seems premature to throw in the towel if you are committed to the marriage.

I think a great point has been made Coconut. If not for you than it has been for me. Thank you.

[Wonka]

Coconut,

SIX MONTHS
SIX MONTHS
SIX MONTHS
SIX MONTHS
SIX MONTHS

Drill this on your forehead, buddy.


Sandi,

At least one of Coconut's redeeming qualities is that he hasn't gone out and bought W a Cadillac! I am going to let you do the honors and explain this one to Coconut.

(((Sandi)))

[Tofbrks]

Coconut, I was in the same place until info started to trickle in. Most of my "proof" was circumstantial and quickly shot down byW ... Utmately controlling the discussion and transferring to me... Can't believe you put a tracker on my car , you paid how much for it?, you were going to hire a pi? ... All while missing the fact that she had lied about where she was going and with who...

If you do find out something , like I did, you may in turn have some hard questions of if its enough to D over. You say it now .. But when it's concrete it's a little different. It took me sometime of weighing options and evidence before I said I cannot let this go on in my house...period!

[pinn]

Hey Cnut,

Sounds like you guys are speaking different love languages.. obviously she wasn't hitting yours. Have you read the 5 love languages book? Might be helpful for you. It was for me.

[RSG]

That is a boundary I think I'd set with my W. If she were ever to move home, and we start MC and real work, that would be #1. I cannot go through the pains I went through again.

That said, I'd talk to her about phone usage. Don't make it about YOU though, make it about S. She's missing valuable time with her child while she screws around on that thing. As for cooking, I get where you're going. My W stopped cooking and it seemed weird. Doing meal prep for the week, cooking dinner, everything. I later found out she was doing that because she was going out on &%#@*! dates.

I think you may be angry. I wanted W back no matter what the first few weeks she was gone. I'd blurt out at home alone sometimes that I didn't want to see her again, but for the most part I just pulled my emotions so tight I didn't let anything out. Until I got angry, and I let her have it. You're an awful mother, liar, cheater, pathetic, etc. You may not say those things, but I'm guessing you think some of them sometimes.

If there is proof of an affair, I think you'd be justified in filing. Morally, I already know I'm justified. I hold a very Christian view of marriage, so I know I hold the moral high ground. That said, I'm working such that I know I can be a great man and Dad w/o W but at the same time trying my best to make sure S has the family he deserves.

All that to say this: Give it a little time. You're not "sure" you love her means there's some in there you just don't know how much or if it's enough. Barring an A, I wouldn't give up until I KNEW I wanted out....