Quick update W and I seemed to be working on or towards piecing, but I now think I saw more effort on her part than what was there (because I wanted to).
I continued to find her being dishonest or not forthcoming with stuff
Found out she downloaded some A friendly apps, she lied about when she downloaded them, and couldn't or wouldn't give me a reason as to why she downloaded them.
I moved her stuff out of MBR, she went berserk and we had a HUGE fight
I was set on moving out and D ASAP, I got hit with a lot of 2x4's and last minute agreed to in-house S.
I feel trapped and really not sure I want to be with her anymore.
Can a mod add link to my previous thread please.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
This is something I wrote on kyler's thread, I thought it describes how I feel happy with myself and feel detached when I'm apart from my W.
I don't think you should consider out of sight - out of mind as detached, you will likely be emotionally affected the next time something crazy happens with your W... But OOS-OOM will help you for now, allowing you to focus on you, to find your happiness. When you find your happiness, the next time you find your self emotionally charged because of an action of W, you'll know that you can and will return to your place of self happiness, that will help you find the indifference to your Ws actions that's known as detachment.
I think accepting the now is working on you and letting go of what may or may not happen. I know I want my marriage to work. I am doing everything I can to become the best man I can be. In the end though that doesn't meant that the current M I have will work. But I do know I will be ok either way.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
I agree Coconut, sometimes when I don't see my W for weeks I think I am detached and then boom we see each other it becomes emotional. I am trying to focus on doing things to make me happy and not worry about our R or her at this point!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
cbtdad, that's where I struggle, I'm at the point now that I'm not sure if I really want my M to work, or at least I don't know if my W will change enough for me to want to be with her.. There are two things I've struggled with for a long time with my W, her always on her phone and her complete lack of homemaking... The always on phone is easy enough to understand, but I'll explain the homemaker comment.
I always pictured My M as having a happy home, meaning that we both enjoyed cooking meals and enjoying them with the family, having a home that is kept up (not OCD clean, but cleaned at least every couple of weeks, and then having special nights out.
The reality is that my W doesn't do anything around the house and very rarely cooks, she would rather go out anyday than enjoy spending a day at the house as a family. Early in our M, I forced cooking and eating as a family at the house because I felt it was needed for S, but in the last 3 or 4 years, we eat out 5 or 6 days a week (or get takeout). My W has cooked dinner once since November. And when we do go out for those "special" nights out, she spends most of the time with her face in her phone.
I know it seems petty, but it's how I've felt over the last few years.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Trust me Cnut as usual I know exactly how you feel. We are the same person I feel at times and married the same woman. You pretty much just described my W. I pictured exactly what you did and that is not what I got. I remember on bomb day I asker her, "just so I don't feel like I am crazy you did feel like you wanted to have 2-3 kids and stay at home right?" She said, "I thought that is what I wanted" So my W is has changed since I married her. My IC asked me what I needed to figure out was could I be happy with my new W. If so then work on it. If not then you will know when it's time to move forward. That is what I am currently doing. My W has been cooking a lot more lately. I think part of it is because I am doing something different. I am not telling her what to cook, or putting down her cooking. She now tries cooking new things and its great.
I think right now Cnut you focus on you and becoming the man you want to be. I know its hard and takes patience, but I feel like you did what I did in my first situation and rushed right back into piecing.
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
Seriously? You are sounding like a WS trying to justify an affair.
Your sig says you were with your wife for a year and a half before you got married. Did you ever share this vision of marriage with her? Did she used to want to stay home and cook then, or did you think that marriage would change her?
If I remember correctly, your wife is not a SAHM, but works a professional job.
I value slow food, but I wouldn't divorce a spouse who preferred takeout. Families can enjoy a family dinner of takeout too.
The phone thing is irritating. A lot of people struggle with phone addictions. Have you discussed his with your wife? Maybe in marriage counseling so you have a third party there to help you not sound controlling.
I don't know, Coconut. Part of being committed to a marriage is holding steady when the other person is losing their feet, and taking the long view.
Your posts lately have made it seem that you are not committed, and you are looking for reasons to justify your lack of commitment.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hey Coconut. Like you i was trying, atleast until a week ago. Now separated. Like you im angry and im looking for reasons.
Not just reasons but im also looking for a plan. Divorce sounds like a plan, it may eventually be the reality but its not now.
Im not looking at Divorce (this instant) nor am i looking for my M (well this varies throughout the day). Im accepting my reality of being separated and putting effort to focus on Son and finding things that will make me happy. In essense my wife is dead and im a grieving widower is how im approaching it.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
It's like the line "I had to divorce you because you didn't clean the bathroom well enough" or "you bought the wrong brand of ketchup"
Ever read the crazy justifications there are on here about why the WAS cheated or left?
Don't be one of them.
Be honest with yourself. Did you feel this way before the A? Or only now, after?
If you love her and who she is and always have, but can't deal with the aftermath of the A and feel like you may never be able to, then be honest with yourself. Don't blame it on her not cooking. BTW, you both seem to work equally, are you putting dinner on the table?
We all have visions of what we thought M would be. And when it wasn't what we invisioned, that is what causes us to make all sorts of decisions.
If you chose to move forward with D, I would HIGHLY suggest you not pursuing anyone for a while. You are not anywhere near there yet. Be with you for sometime. Take some time to get honest with yourself.
