The lie continues...

[MoveFrwd]

I did not because we have a 4 year old. I thought that family days would be best for him. I thought going out with her would be best for us.

What's best is to set goals and ensure you are working toward them. I would start the book from the beginning. The process for you is the same regardless of what she is doing.

[CT1118]

Great advice man. My WW never spoke down to me, its where I failed in the 180's every time. She would cry for help and boom. I decided to stop that, and haven't done it again, but its only been one week. Part of my confusion leading to my post today about whether to put a line in the sand or not. Its been one of the harder days for me, but I'm really glad I came here to talk instead of just gut reacting - which I know goes against the DB program.
I also began a prescription for my ADHD last week and in between does is when I really get quite unsure of myself. This is where I was earlier.
None of this is like me in real life. I am a confident, assertive, successful man. But in my head, my WW sitch rises and falls, just like Sandi2 predicted in one of her threads. Fortunately, I have never begged of my WW, or cried on her, or why don't you love me. I have however spoken that with actions like fixing the shower and repairing her car. If I learned anything today - that ain't right and I am done with it.

[CT1118]

darknes,

I set goals from the start and have actually been meeting them. I left a few out though and need to or have just recently added them.

Goals I have met:
loose 25 lbs, quit drugs and binge drinking(which was in place of drugs), dress better, begin writing again (I publish articles), volunteer work, improve my time with my son, take up a new activity (I chose to ride my skateboard again, which I hadn't), talk to random people (I'm introverted, so this was a challenge, get to an IC and get help for my ADHD.

Goals I need to add:
stick to the 180's like religion
continue with GAL above always
seek positive ways to deal with my pain over the WW
finish the books

[hawker]

Way to meet those goals CT118!!! I also need to find positive ways to deal with my pain...I have good days and bad!! Hang in there!!!

[CT1118]

Thanks,mi think I can hang in there and you can too. It's hard many days

[CT1118]

So a question for any WW on this site or anyone who was successful with DB. What finally made you/them give up the affair? What was the realization that did it? I am very curious to know. I just read a whole bunch of posts where stuff just didn't work out.

[sandi2]

I have several threads about the wayward wife. If you are interested, start with this one:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

[CT1118]

A quote from you:
"The first loss the wayward should experience is her H. When everything is laid out and she starts with the usual BS of not seeing a future with him, etc., he should start immediately in pulling away. He needs to do it to the degree she feels his absence in her everyday life. And it is important that the H does not make any grand announcements about his intentions. He doesn't talk. He acts. He doesn't tell her what he's doing, he just does it."

So when I posted all this yesterday and was asking about telling her I know the affair continues and I need to stop the day to day stuff from her - I was looking to be tough, but I believe it hit the "grand announcement" you speak of. So yesterday afternoon I began the 180 in conversation with being polite, using Wonka's assertive techniques, but not giving too much info. I was told I was being weird and asked whats wrong each time. I responded that I feel great and nothing's wrong. This morning she called to ask about sharing visitation for the week with our son. She was trying to wrangle a full weekend out of me and I stood firm and told her I was happy with the current arrangement. I was told again that something was wrong with me and I have seemed off or weird lately. Then she said she had to go before I could (I was getting ready too, but she beat me to it). Is that a sign I may be doing it correctly - that it is confusing her - or am I doing it wrong by her thinking I'm weird?

[MoveFrwd]

I'll add some thoughts below:

I set goals from the start and have actually been meeting them. I left a few out though and need to or have just recently added them.

Goals I have met:
loose 25 lbs Great job. Are you finished or is there more? Whats next?
uit drugs and binge drinking(which was in place of drugs) Also, awesome. Congrats on this!
dress better OK. Thats good.
begin writing again (I publish articles) So your goal was to begin? Do you have a target for how much/what you are going to write?
volunteer work Again, good start. But do you have actual measurable goals for this? Time? Frequency? Involvement?
improve my time with my son And what does this mean? How will you do this?
take up a new activity (I chose to ride my skateboard again, which I hadn't) Alright. Again, is there some plan? some frequency or something you can establish to measure this?
talk to random people (I'm introverted, so this was a challenge I might be being a broken record, but again, what is your actual goal? Does ssaying "thank you" to the cashier count?
get to an IC and get help for my ADHD. Great to hear it if youve done this. Do you have more future goals?


So your GAL looks good. And it looks like youve identified some personality traits you wish to improve. For example - you introvertedness and your reliance on drugs. Do you think there are some other personality traits you can work towards improving? What kind of person do you see yourself becoming? What kinds of things will make and keep you happy without regards to your W?

[CT1118]

All fair questions darkness.

1. The weight - I was not too overweight, but at the max of the spectrum and I still looked good, but the weight was from beer and lack of exercise. I am 41 and my goal is college graduation weight: 192-198, I am at 203 right now and also working on muscle definition.
2. Drugs - many here discuss facing what you did to contribute to a separation. I have a chronic headache condition that Oxy was prescribed for. For many years I could go on/off it at will according to my headache cycle. Until I couldn't. I hid the pills from her for 1.5 years and when I realized she was having an affair, I knew right away they had to go and I threw them into the garbage disposal. Want a big challenge in life - quit Oxy cold turkey. Sure enough, she ID'd that as a primary reason for the demise which built up to her terrible and selfish decision (she could have helped me, but that the past now).
3. Dress better - My wardrobe was outdated. My WW and I are both very good looking people, but I always dressed like a slacker, it bothered her. When she left, I bought new clothes to see what would happen in my life in the outside world. I noticed I felt better, strangers and friends complimented me, other men at work began taking me more seriously - all positive so I'm keeping it up, it makes ME feel better.
4. Writing - goals was to publish one or two articles this summer. Both got rejected, but not a full rejection. I was asked to tweak them which I am currently doing. Also writing myself a journal to stay sane.
5. Volunteer - goal was to put in 50 hours this summer. It has been met.
6. When you are on Oxy, you slip so far into yourself that the rest of the world annoys you. Shamefully and sadly I ignored my W and my son. No more. I am doing this by talking with him, taking an interest in his interest, and really smiling at the little way he makes me happy.
7. New activity - yes plan was to do something recreational and fun for myself at least once a week. Been achieving that. Will continue that.
8. Talk to random people - when you are introverted and have ADHD, the idea of speaking to new people at a business conference, approaching a woman at a bar and just talking, or speaking to a fellow airplane passenger are all very intimidating to the point it does not happen. I began actively putting myself in situations to do things like this (I do not go to bars often and am not there to hook up, but I did have to try to approach women a few times just to get over the fear, while I didnt seek to take them home the confidence boost was great). Now after months of this, I am really pretty good at. I intend to continue, it feels good.
9. IC/ADHD - yes, goals are to continue council and to learn ways to deal with my thoughts which will not force me to stay on medication. ADHD is for life, I dont want the medicine to be.
10. Great question. First GAL goal is to continue what I am doing above. Next one is that I am finishing my masters degree by next spring. Along w that is to improve time management while doing the degree (this was a big one - poor time+stress from grad school+ drug abuse= my contribution to WW). I see myself maintaining my status as role model man. I am successful professionally, I am in great shape and look good, I am getting healthier mentally. I want to be comfortable alone, as an individual and I am getting there. All my life I have had a GF or a W, never a long period w/out. I am going to keep being me on my own. If the WW wants back in, great I will work w/her, if not I am still going to be great.