WHs do come back--Piecing--acceptance & time

[J5K]

Blu,

I hope that I and many others end up on the path to reconciliation one day. I am glad you are here posting so others can have hope no matter how bad their sitches are.

[BluWave]

I've been feeling at a loss of what to post lately. I think SH hit the nail on the head--we want a quick fix and without doing the hard work. That hard work being looking inside ourselves and letting go of expectations.

So I've been asking myself if I've been successful at that. I think I've gotten better at letting go of expecting things from H, but that's also because I am reaching a higher level of detachment. Perhaps at times I am indifferent. This also makes me sad.

C-nuts threads have helped me think about where I have gone wrong. I too am impatient, react on emotions, and feel this strong need to make a decision and take action in some direction. I think it stems from feeling out of control and asserting control however one can find it.

So again, I've been going back to what it means to have "control." Control is acceptance. Accepting that things are the way they are, that what happened DID happen, and accepting that things will work out as they need to. There is some sadness in that too. I don't know where I will be in several years.

It's easier to hang on to hurt, to anger, and to take action--working on the M or working on leaving. My biggest test of patience is doing nothing at all. I'm trying to be okay with that. My autopilot mode is to grab the wheel and take control. Because when I don't, I am left with my thoughts and feelings. There is still so much sadness.

I can take 2 roads in this M. Both are going to be hard. Just letting myself feel sad today. Even though I have cried a lot on the last several years, I still need to work on accepting the sadness.

-Blu

[J5K]

Blu

It's natural to have sad days. It means you are human. The best thing is to let it just go through you and just like any other emotion, it will pass. Tomorrow is another day!

(((Blu)))

[Rose888]

Blu, I'm sorry things are rough.

I'm probably more flawed than you are, but I am happiest when I keep the focus on working on me. It's easy for me to lose focus on that when it feels like the marriage is going well, but then I find myself losing my detachment and becoming emotionally dependent.

When I focus on the 180s that are important to me, and on GAL, it feeds my need for control in a healthy way.

I'm not really qualified to offer advice, so take it for what it's worth.

((Blu))

[SH_]

Drive by hug for BluWave.
(((((Blu)))))

Thank you for stoping by my thread. Your words are true and your compliments of my efforts mean a lot to me.

I hope you are having a peaceful and happy day.

You can do this which ever road you choose. The hard work will pay off regardless. Because you will have earned it.
Be in control as you say. One small step day by day and you will make it.

[BluWave]

Thank you everyone.

SH, I recall reading on your thread that you are able to give wonderful support to others but perhaps not as much kindness to yourself. I was thinking about that too. Sometimes for me, it is easier to take care of others than give self care. Self care can require looking inside our minds and history, which in itself can be painful.

I have been wondering lately if there is such a thing as being too detached? I think I may be swinging in that direction. I'm not giving up on my M, not walking away, but realize at times I can be numb. I think it's a natural protective mechanism in this sitch.

I can list so many reasons why H is a good man, father, and partner. I do feel he is staying the course and committed to me and the family. I also find that the triggers are finally fading. There was a long while where I felt so much PTSD--a full on visceral response--that I was scared it would never work.

The numbness is slightly new. I am not sure exactly what it means but I am okay with it. It's a welcome relief. I still feel that part of my control is accepting where things are in the present. I have faith that things will settle into place as they should in time. I can't predict what will happen in the M, but I can surrender myself to giving up control.

I am secretly hoping that this is why people say successfully recovering from an A can lead to a better M. I don't know. But I do know that I like myself a lot more now than I did before any of this chit started years ago.

Hang in there DBers, this is a LONG arse road!

-Blu

[DDJ]

Hey bluewave, I dont think that it has to be such a long-ass road to be honest. Life is about choices, don't get me wrong, i'm divorced in what is really 5 months since BD. And i will live and accept those consequences.

I started my journey on the forum around 05 April, 120% attached! But as I let go of her, gave her the freedom she wanted, and lost the control that I thought i had, i found peace, i found joy, i found calm and a clear mind. I see this in your last update. I am thankfully at 5% attachment now.

But the choice to let go early, and painfully, is key. Even you're still fighting for your marriage, make a decision and stick to it. No-one will find peace if they don't know what they're looking for.

Keep strong, we are all rooting for you!

[LiM]

C-nuts threads have helped me think about where I have gone wrong. I too am impatient, react on emotions, and feel this strong need to make a decision and take action in some direction. I think it stems from feeling out of control and asserting control however one can find it.

So again, I've been going back to what it means to have "control." Control is acceptance. Accepting that things are the way they are, that what happened DID happen, and accepting that things will work out as they need to. There is some sadness in that too. I don't know where I will be in several years.

It's easier to hang on to hurt, to anger, and to take action--working on the M or working on leaving. My biggest test of patience is doing nothing at all. I'm trying to be okay with that. My autopilot mode is to grab the wheel and take control. Because when I don't, I am left with my thoughts and feelings. There is still so much sadness.

-Blu

Hi Blu,

Your post is helping me today.
I've felt completely lost over the past 3-4 weeks; feeling like I don't want to be in the M anymore; feeling like I just can't and don't want to do this. I hate that I feel this way and yet I still feel it. My W is doing what she is supposed to be doing. If you were to ask me what else she could be doing, I wouldnt have an answer. But I still feel like its not enough. Is it even possible for her to do enough? My fear is that she can't despite good intentions.
I realize I too have had expectations. And those expectations probably weren't realistic. I've asked for too much of my W too soon. I feel like it has to either be better NOW or I have to leave. Neither is the answer but I don't know what to do in the meantime. What do you do when you look at your spouse and you don't feel affection? What do you do when you've lost the desire to keep trying?

[Rose888]

C-nuts threads have helped me think about where I have gone wrong. I too am impatient, react on emotions, and feel this strong need to make a decision and take action in some direction. I think it stems from feeling out of control and asserting control however one can find it.

So again, I've been going back to what it means to have "control." Control is acceptance. Accepting that things are the way they are, that what happened DID happen, and accepting that things will work out as they need to. There is some sadness in that too. I don't know where I will be in several years.

It's easier to hang on to hurt, to anger, and to take action--working on the M or working on leaving. My biggest test of patience is doing nothing at all. I'm trying to be okay with that. My autopilot mode is to grab the wheel and take control. Because when I don't, I am left with my thoughts and feelings. There is still so much sadness.

-Blu

Hi Blu,

Your post is helping me today.
I've felt completely lost over the past 3-4 weeks; feeling like I don't want to be in the M anymore; feeling like I just can't and don't want to do this. I hate that I feel this way and yet I still feel it. My W is doing what she is supposed to be doing. If you were to ask me what else she could be doing, I wouldnt have an answer. But I still feel like its not enough. Is it even possible for her to do enough? My fear is that she can't despite good intentions.
I realize I too have had expectations. And those expectations probably weren't realistic. I've asked for too much of my W too soon. I feel like it has to either be better NOW or I have to leave. Neither is the answer but I don't know what to do in the meantime. What do you do when you look at your spouse and you don't feel affection? What do you do when you've lost the desire to keep trying?

I think this is where my H was on BD, which only happened because I confronted him.

It's weird to read it from you. It gives me an additional view from his perspective.

I have no real advice. H committed to trying to reconnect, and his actions and words show he is trying, but I have no idea if it is working because we aren't having R talks.

I'm continuing to work on me and 180 some things that have lead us down cheeseless tunnels in the past. (Including that just in case someone reads this and thinks I am expecting H to do all the work.)

It's way too early to say if we are going to be a success. I'm aware that another BD could happen at any time.

Anyway, sorry to turn this into a tangent. It gave me a jolt to read H's perspective, and I had to respond.

[BluWave]

Hi Lim,

Sorry to reply so late. I try and glance at the threads frequently, but not always great about posting!

I wish I had good answers for you. I think we focus so much on DB--GAL, detaching, 180s--because really we can't get our mind off of when and IF they come back. When they do come back, it is with very mixed emotion. For me it was shock, relief, reconnecting, very quickly followed by anger, fear, and resentment. Then I cycled around several 1000 times. Sometimes over the course of several weeks and other times all in a day.

That is why piecing is such hard work. It's more crazy-making than anything. Allowing your mind to talk the heart off the ledge again and again and again....

I am much further down the time line than you and still at times I feel these mixed emotions or ask these same questions. For the first year, there were several times that I wanted to end it or felt no desire to feel close to him. Look, we would be crazy if we DIDNT feel that way. This person that we dedicated our life to--marriage, children, a family, everything--essentially lied, betrayed and then gave up. That is traumatic! It's natural to protect yourself from this pain. Your body is made to protect you without your awareness.

But I think you have made conscious decision to be in this marriage and to give it your best shot, right? So that is what you remind yourself of when you are having doubts. I still remind myself of that; H is a good man, a wonderful father, I know I can trust him right now, but he is human and made a terrible mistake. My choice to be with him is steered by those principles and I believe the rest will work out over time. If it doesn't? Well then I can move on knowing I tried my best. I want that for me and for my kids.

Are you expecting too much of her? My answer is a simple he11 no. This is your life. You decide what you want, what you need to start trusting her, and what it will take to move forward. Just keep in mind those wants and needs will lighten over time.

I hope this helps.
Blu